Blame Causes Pain in All Relationships

Susan blamed her husband, Stan, for all their problems. Of course, he felt terrible and responded by being passive aggressive. When he was home, Stan spent a lot of his time at his computer. In this vicious cycle, Susan kept verbally attacking her husband and Stan kept shutting down. Because the couple was stuck in their dysfunctional behaviors, they remained in emotional pain. Can you relate to this drama? Unfortunately, it is not uncommon.

In an alternative pattern, Melissa and John were both "blamers." Needless to say, they had a very noisy household. Their children used to cower when their parents started yelling accusations at each other. Needless to say, that was one painful family.

The last couple dynamics looks like this. When Tony wanted to blame his wife, Melissa, for their problems, he was sarcastic and gave her dirty looks. Melissa responded by spending money they did not have on things they did not need. Their relatively quiet house hid their underground cold war. Tony and Melissa reached out to others to receive love and attention. Affairs do not solve problems. In fact, they just add "fuel to the fire."

Obviously, blaming does not serve anyone. In fact, it hurts the other person and backfires on you. It is a great way to push away friends, lovers, children, etc. What is the solution? Realize that you are responsible for your feelings and decisions. Put your blaming finger down to your side and ask yourself what you contributed to the problem. Then, explore what you can do differently. Once you are clear, if you need to talk to your partner, identify the problem, and, then, brainstorm how you can solve it with a win-win agreement.

Problems need to be solved. They are not excuses to attack each other in passive or active ways. Beneath angry blame are the underlying feelings of fear, hurt and/or powerlessness. For example, Tony felt he was not good enough. Instead of owning his painful fear, he is likely to blame the problem on others.

Children suffer dearly when they are outwardly blamed for the actions or feelings of others. Ironically, they think that the world revolves around them, and they are likely to automatically feel responsible for others. Knowing this, healthy parents clearly tell the children that they are only responsible for their actions. They teach by example how to take responsibility for what happens to them and encourage everyone to do the same.

If you find yourself blaming others for what happens, it is very likely that is what you experienced in your childhood. Ironically, you probably hated the attacks but may unconsciously repeat the dysfunctional pattern. Or, you may be in a relationship with someone who blames you like one of two of your parents did. It is familiar to you, and you felt you deserved it.

The truth is that nobody deserves to be blamed. If we make a mistake, we can apologize and learn from the experience. We are all human, and we are likely to blunder. However, we do not need to be hurt by others for it. If you are blaming yourself, forgive yourself. If you are blaming others, forgive yourself and change your hurtful no-win pattern to one of taking responsibility for your part. Solve the problem, and your relationships with others and yourself will be healthier and happier. You have the power to create a loving relationship.