Forgiving Dad, Your Best Gift for Father's Day

How do you really feel about your dad? Are you thinking loving thoughts and wanting to give him the perfect present? Do you like spending time with him, especially on Father's Day? If you feel positive towards him, consider yourself fortunate, because many people are still harboring angry feelings towards their fathers. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I often helped clients resolve their negative issues with their fathers. Then they were able to truly enjoy giving to them on Father's Day as well as the rest of the year.

Sandy loved her father but resented that he never spent much time with her. Bruce always felt criticized by his dad so he avoided him. John spent most of his life trying to please his father, but never seemed to be good enough. Siblings John and Martha gave their gift on Father's Day only out of obligation, because they still resented their dad's verbal and physical abuse during their earlier years. Cynthia felt sad every Father's Day, because it brought up the guilt feelings she had of not being there when he passed away. She found excuses not to visit him in the hospital, because she had not forgiven him for abusing her. Can you relate to any of these men and women?

In the course of their counseling sessions, the sons and daughters realized that their dads had learned from their fathers' behavior how to be a parent, and they unconsciously repeated the negative patterns with them. These behaviors included being absent, critical, unloving and abusive.

I guided the clients to heal their father issues by closing their eyes and imagining that they were in front of them. I encouraged them to constructively express all their hurt, pain, fears, sadness and anger. Then I suggested that they say, "Dad, you must have been in a lot of pain to do those things. I have compassion for your pain and I am not responsible. I realize you did the best you could with the information you had. What you did and said was about you and not me. I am lovable, worthy, good enough, important and a good person no matter what you said or did. I forgive you."

The relief the men and women felt was apparent on their faces. Suppressed feelings hurt everyone, including us. It is always healing to release them in constructive ways. This process works well even if your dad is deceased.

If you realize that you are a father who repeated negative parenting patterns with your children, you can say to your son or daughter, "I am so sorry for anything I did that was unkind. I never meant to hurt you. I just did to you what was done to me. You are lovable, good enough, worthy, important and a good person. I love you very much. Please forgive me!"

It is never too late to say you are sorry and express caring to your children. The healing that is likely to happen can improve your relationship with them. It is also likely to help them give lovingly to you on Father's Day and throughout the year. Everyone wants and deserves loving parents and children. Even if your dad cannot be the loving person you would like him to be, resolve your unfinished business with him. Then you will be able to give him the best and most valuable gift for Father's Day, and throughout the year—forgiveness, love, and compassion.