How to be the Next Santa Claus

Let’s face it: Santa’s getting up there. Though no official statement from his publicist has been released, we are all expecting that Mr. Claus will be retiring soon. I think hundreds of years as a civil servant are more than enough to start collecting a pension. All of the elves have roughly equal seniority, so hiring within the company would create workplace tensions and could lead to a strike or, even worse, a coup d’état. And no one likes a militant elf; they’re so confrontational. To avoid a public relations nightmare, the people at Claus Corp. have decided in favor of outsourcing and invite all willing participants to apply. Before you start ho, ho, hoing, there are some prerequisites you must satisfy.

1. You must love children. Now, we don’t mean like them a little, or have logged a few hours babysitting. You are to become the hero to every single boy and girl in the world (and a few developmentally halted adults). It is imperative you treat these billions of kids as if they were your own grandchildren. Eat their cookies, regardless of their taste and shape. Drink their milk even if their little fingers dipped in. Respond to their letters in a loving, compassionate way, even if you know there’s no chance they’ll receive everything on their lists.

2. You must have the right look. Our HR department will remind us time and again that we can’t ask you to gain weight, grow a beard, and wear nothing but red velvet the rest of your career. However, the current Santa Claus has done an excellent job of portraying a figure who we all recognize, from his wire-rimmed glasses to his soot-stained boots. You are encouraged to take over this position and make it your own . . . but don’t stray too far from the original recognizable figure. For example, we frown upon wearing green, but encourage you to stuff a pillow in your fur-lined coat.

3. You must know how to operate a sleigh. This is, hands down the most significant aspect of the job. Owning and operating a sleigh is a privilege, not a right, so safety and caution are of the utmost importance. Being that those of us who don’t live in the North Pole are not readily familiar with such machinery, we encourage you to purchase a sleigh bed for practice. These beds are of a perfect shape and are made of the finest wood. Meticulous detailing on either side adds a creative touch for those who like to think outside the box. As well, sleigh beds are truly comfortable and safe and provide an excellent environment for hours and hours of sleigh-steering practice. Claus Corp will provide you with reindeer.

If you feel that becoming Santa Claus is the right fit for you, we would be delighted to receive your application. Visit Sleigh Bed Select for further details.