"he or She Won't Commit? 3 Strategies for Turning Your Love Life Around!" (part One)

Copyright (c) 2008 Elizabeth Davis

A subscriber wrote in and said, "The greatest challenge that I am having in my life right now is in my relationship with my boyfriend. I am ready to take the next step in commitment, either living together or marriage. But I don't know if he will ever be ready. We have been together for 3 years, with a brief break up for a month, just a couple of months ago. The reason for the break up was non-commitment on his part. Please help with what I should do.

Everything else in my life is going well, now that I have learned "the Secret" and use it everyday in my life. I am working on bringing more money in, too, but I need to find my true passion. Thank you so much for your interest in me."

Over the past nine years, I've read thousands of hands and the issue of "commitment" in relationships comes up again and again. No surprise there. We long for and need connection with our fellow humans. The greatest desire for most of us when it comes to relationships is finding an appropriate partner. In today's article. we'll explore 3 main strategies I've discovered from reading hands on how to take your relationship to the next level and create the commitment you seek.

Strategy #1: Your Partner is Your Mirror = Look Closely

Do you complain that your partner won't commit, doesn't keep his/her agreements, won't help out around the house, etc.? Whenever this issue comes up, I find, without exception, that the individual logging the complaint has the SAME issue in their hands. So for example, Andrea wants her husband to pick up after himself and nags him incessantly about those lonely socks on the floor. Andrea secretly dreams of being a writer - she has a writing gift marker in her hand. When I ask Andrea, "Andrea, what are YOU doing to further your writing ambitions?" I am met with a blank stare. Sometimes, just sometimes, the person receiving the hand analysis session will perk up and say, "Oh, my goodness, I see what you mean. I'm nagging after him when I should be writing." Righto! The "mirror effect" isn't always obvious - writing and picking up one's socks may not, at first glance, have a lot in common.

Here's my Coach's Challenge:

What is the CORE ISSUE of your complaint with your partner and how does this mirror back something in yourself? In Andrea's case, it's lack of action. Once you have the "core issue," ask YOURSELF, where do I need to apply this wisdom to move forward in my own self-development? (Note: Sometimes finding our what our partner is mirroring means we need to move on from the relationship. I'm also not implying that you should have to put up with a slob. It's important to ask for what you need in your relationships... which brings me to strategy #2.)

Strategy #2: It Is NOT Your Partner's Job to Read Your Mind = Speak Up!

If I had a dollar for every person who has said to me, "He (or she) should just know." Really? Strategy #2 is so obvious that you should probably just *know* what it is. Just kidding. But you've heard it before - and I'm saying it again - it is absolutely essential to speak up and COMPLETE the communications in your relationships. If you find that this task falls to you again and again, your hands will no doubt reveal that learning to speak up is part of your growth journey.

What do I mean by "completing the communication?" It means making a request for something you'd like or need in the relationship, such as more alone time or more together time. It also means setting clear boundaries and also knowing when to keep your mouth shut and just listen. So many of our relationship conflicts are due to feeling a need to respond to everything that is said rather than just listening.

Here's my Coach's Challenge: What have you NOT said that you are afraid to say? I challenge you to say it and stay open to your partner's response. Many times we don't speak our truth because we're not really interested in hearing the other person's response - it may not be what we want or expect - OR their truth may scare us. You can save yourself a lot of trouble by simply addressing this before sharing your inner vulnerability. "Honey, I need to share this with you. I don't know how you're going to respond. I will do my best to stay open to your response without reacting and I invite you to share your truth with me." The less frightened we are of rejection, abandonment and attack, the easier it becomes to share our innermost truth with another (which, by the way, is the dictionary definition of "intimacy.")

Strategy #3: Who Are You REALLY Committed To?

The first person to commit to is yourself. I can't overstress this. Commit to your health, your happiness, you self-awareness, your self-expansion. If you're not committed to being all you can be, you'll probably attract a fair amount of misery in your relationships. Why? You'll be expecting the other person to fill up a hole that's inside of you. In the case of the subscriber, she mentions, "I am working on bringing more money in, too, but I need to find my true passion." This is a major clue! She wants a commitment from her partner but has yet to commit to her own passion. Trying to get passion from another when you won't give it to yourself is a fruitless endeavor. Believe me - I know. I dated many men with "commitment" issues! But at the time, I couldn't see that I was so busy worrying about their messy lives that I didn't have to face the emptiness and lack of passion in my own. I wasn't committed to me.

BUT - there is a deeper issue here. HOW do you commit to yourself? Okay. Brace yourself for this one. You have to let go of the all the "commitments" that are dragging you down. What do I mean? If you're a grown woman and you're in a committed partnership, do you still call your mom every day? If so, take a deeper look. If you're in a relationship, and your eye is roving outside of the relationship, what are you not experiencing with your partner and what are you doing to take care of it (within the relationship)? Whether single or in a partnership, do you still seek the approval of your parents - whether living or dead? It is absolutely essential to divorce your parents psychologically and grow up. If you don't, you'll never, well, grow up and form healthy bonds with others.

If you're over 25 years old and not over what your parents did or didn't do, you're in for a rough ride with your partner because you'll be looking to them be the perfect mom or dad you didn't have. And YES - these scenarios show up in people's hands - in detail. As Jerry Seinfeld once commented sarcastically, "You CARE what your parents think?" Seriously. Think about it and get over it as fast as possible. There is nothing more deadly to adult partnerships that adult children looking to their man or woman to be mommy or daddy. This also applies to friendships and work relationships, too. Does your best friend refuse to grow up and live her own life? How does this affect your friendship? Does your boss resemble your dad and do you still engage in the same power struggles as you did with your father?

Here's my Coach's Challenge: Make a list of the top 5 most important relationships in your life. Now ask yourself, is your commitment to these relationships (whether the person is living or dead), healthy or unhealthy? In other words, does the relationship allow you to grow, expand and be all you can be, or does the relationship somehow limit your full expression? If you are in a committed partnership, where are the "commitment leaks?" Too much dependence on mom or dad's approval? Roving eye outside of the relationship? Over-committed to work or friends at the expense of time with your partner? Once again, look closely and you will be amazed at what you find.