Successful Relationships Are Blocked by Our "Walls"

Are you struggling in your relationship? Have you been feeling frustrated, because you have trouble meeting a partner? The cause may be your defense mechanism that keeps you safe but not satisfied. Find out if you are actually pushing away the love you desire and deserve.

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have had the opportunity to help many men and women identify and overcome their blocks to love. For example, Maria, a 29-year-old massage therapist, succeeded in removing her emotional block to intimacy. That night, she met a very nice man at a party. Maria was amazed how quickly she allowed herself to attract a boyfriend who was totally different than the abusive young men she was with in the past.

Susan and Randy's love for each other did not stop them from struggling the 19 years they were married. When they resolved their personal issues that caused them to build their walls of protection, their relationship improved dramatically.

With the therapeutic process I developed, HART, which stands for Holistic And Rapid Transformation, the clients were able to identify their blocks. I asked them to close their eyes and take two deep breaths. Then I say, "If you had a wall protecting you from getting hurt, what would it look or feel like? How high and wide is it?" The men and women often describe very tall, thick walls that are made of concrete, brick or steel. And they wondered why their relationships were not working!

The irony is that we all want loving relationships, but we are also afraid to let people get too close. The wall represents a hurt heart. When I ask clients to go back to the time they built their wall, the men and women recall being a young child. Something very painful occurred, and they decided unconsciously that it was not safe to love or be loved. Then they continued to reinforce their walls of protection, as they experienced more emotional pain in their unhappy relationships.

Once the clients were able to heal their hurt hearts, their walls came down, and they were free to come out of hiding and open to love. The HART process gets to the cause of many of our dysfunctional symptoms. Our actions often send mixed messages, "Come close, but stay away!" It is typical for couples to be very intimate one night and pick a fight in the morning to push each other way.

It is also common for us to choose partners that are "safe," because they are married or in other relationships, live far away, or who we know are not right for us.

To attract a loving, healthy relationship you may need to heal your emotional wounds from the past so that you can remove your defense and allow your partner in, so that you can enjoy the intimacy you desire. You deserve a great relationship. Go for it!