Why Communication in Marriage Can Cause Divorce, Part 3

As you have read the wrong communication style is a recipe for disaster in your relationship.

Instead of just talking we need other tools; we need connection, and we need that especially before any attempt at communication. Connection is the key, and Tantra is the art of connection.

When men feel connected they want to talk more and are more open to hearing what their lovers are saying without feeling criticized. When women feel connected they want to talk less because they are not tying to forge the bond they felt was missing.

Seems like connecting causes there to be more of the balance that the different genders need.

Connecting non-verbally will save most of the relationships in doom today. With 40 million couples living sexless marriages and a 61 percent divorce rate we need something other than talking about it, to fix what is going on.

When women talk to each other or the kids about working together or making things better they don't feel the same vulnerabilities to the extent that men do. Those vulnerabilities are namely fear and shame, and those feelings can cripple a man.

What couples need to do is to become aware of how each other reacts to a perceived stressful situation. If you understand that your man can not hear you when you are getting passionately engaged in conversation, don't get mad, get connected. Think about connecting on a non verbal way before starting to try and fix anything verbally.

What generally happens is one or the other will wait until they are scared, hurt, angry or sad before trying to reconnect verbally in the relationship and that doesn't work at all.

In my teaching of Tantra I help couples connect non-verbally with several effective tools to keep this cycle of fear based communication from happening and spinning out of control.

The most powerful one of these connection tools is called a spooning agreement.

As a couple, you can make an agreement that when you are starting down the road to conflict in conversation, one or the other can call spooning, with a hand gesture or a by saying spooning. The other needs to comply with this request.

Spooning is when the couple lays down with one in the front and the other behind, both facing the same way. Usually the one that calls spooning is behind. Once in this position you commence to breathe together. This is done for 5 minutes.

Breathing together creates harmony and breathing helps to combat the effects of cortisol. Generally in 5 minutes both partners have had time to get their bio-chemistry backed off a bit and even more in sync. Once that happens it's hard for the couple to imagine why they might have been angry in the first place.

Keeping to your spooning agreement is a very tough thing to do when you are angry but remember this is about the commitment to the relationship, not about being right. Once you have spooned you will feel better connected and men will be able to listen more and women will be more empathetic to the man's feelings of anxiety and shame.

We need to understand that the majority of men desire to please their partners and make them happy, and the majority of women want their men to feel appreciated and loved.

When women feel connected they talk from their hearts instead of their hurts. When men feel connected they listen from their hearts instead of their shame. And when that can happen, healing and love can flourish.