Flatfish's Chess Strategies

We were sitting on a park bench observing a chess game played on a huge open air chess board in northern germany.

One of the players was a big man with blond hair.

"Who's that guy?" I asked my friend sitting beside me.

"This is Flatfish!" He said.

"Why Flatfish?" "How would I know? He probably eats a lot of fish I think. He is a cook."

"He is playing the worst chess I have ever seen." I said.

"Yes, I know! He is playing chess for about twenty years now but has no idea about chess strategies."

"What? Twenty years? He should be playing much better then..."

"No, he didn't get better, his chess got worse!"

"You must be joking! This is contrary to all logic and natural laws. I mean there is something like mental evolution. Your development should go up not down. When you study something you should improve and not get worse."

"Yes, but Flatfish is the exception. He is going downhill not uphill. You don't understand that, because you don't know Flatfish! Flatfish has his own laws. He doesn't obey natural laws. He is a law unto himself. Flatfish can't win! He is a psychological phenomenon."

"You are talking a lot of crap today, my friend! He must be able to win, at least one game!"

"No, not Flatfish! Just watch this game now. He has a total winning position. Even my grandmother would win this game with closed eyes."

Flatfish had indeed a deadly attack running on the kingside and was a rook up. He ate another two pawns which were left unprotected and I was quite sure that nobody can lose this game. But after a while he switched over to attack the queenside for no reason at all. Fortunately more pieces were traded off and Flatfish had a winning endgame.

"Now he got an extremely good position. If he loses that he should get shot." I said.

"Yes, but wait...he will find a way to ruin this position somehow."

Flatfish suddenly stared at his rook, took it and moved it forward and finally put it down.

"What's that? The rook can be captured by the enemy knight. What a blunder!" I shouted.

"Shut up, you are not supposed to talk into the game, man! I warned you before that his play can cause you a heart attack!"

Flatfish's opponent captured the rook, of course, but still had a losing game.

"I hope Flatfish pulls himself together now and wins..."

The visitors around me were not excited about this bad move but were whispering.

"Flatfish can still win, yeah, Flatfish is winning...for the first time."

Flatfish recovered and pushed his only pawn forward which was on its way to promote into a queen.

He had many good moves at his disposal and for a few moves he played how he should be playing.

The pawn was running and was unstoppable and there were no pieces left on the board except a rook and a pawn, both belonging to flatfish, and both kings were on the board of course. The opponent had only a king and this king suddenly blocked the pawn just one square before the pawn promotion.

"Flatfish will win this game. This is 100% sure!" I said.

"Just wait my friend, you don't know Flatfish..."

Flatfish just would have to do a waiting move to force the enemy king to move away, but Flatfish did what? He moved the darn king right beside the enemy king. I almost screamed.

"Jesus help me! This is a draw now, a stalemate!!"

"Hahaha, NOW you understand Flatfish, my friend! You got it, man! This is the mental evolution of Flatfish after twenty years! Yes, isn't that marvelous? He just can't win, no matter what happens. Flatfish is a chess genius, just the other way round. He never wins."

http://www.expert-chess-strategies.com