Ripped From The Headlines: Ahmadinejad Stumps, Letterman Dumps, Bush Jumps

Screaming Yellow News: Ripped From The Headlines
J. E. Kitchell

June 13, 2009

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has won a landslide victory over former Prime Minister Mir Hossein Mousavi in the Presidential elections in Iran. He beat the reformist Mousavi through his immense charisma, his scintillating oratory and the secret police.

Pre-election polling suggested that Mousavi would likely beat Ahmadinejad, but the ballots told a different story. Al Gore called Mousavi and coached him on his next moves. First, he said, file a lawsuit to recount the ballots, and then challenge the ruling, then drop out of politics, make up a ridiculous junk science theory, sell it to the ruling class and become wealthy. 

Ahmadinejad can now claim a mandate from the people to continue his agenda to restore Iran's respect from the international community. Next on the list: ask the Mullahs to declare fatwa on late-night television comedians.

David Letterman has issued a non-apology for a joke he told about Sarah Palin and her fourteen-year-old daughter having sex with Alex Rodriguez. The conservative community is outraged that Letterman would make such a tasteless reference on television and condemnation is coming from congressmen, talk show hosts, clergymen and women's rights advocates. Letterman deserves every bit of it. I mean, come on! Like A-Rod would leave the field in the middle of a game. 

CBS executives have gone into overtime dealing with the bad publicity. But the signs are positive. Next time they are in the ratings cellar, the plan is they will have Letterman make another questionable joke.

President Obama pushed Congress to fast track his proposal to create a national healthcare program. Legislators got to work immediately to figure out how to balance the nearly $1 trillion-dollar combination of tax hikes and benefit trims to make the proposal work. Obama did his part to help them by issuing an Executive Order putting in a 24-hour Starbucks kiosk on the House floor.

Pharmaceutical representatives, medical provider lobbyists and insurance companies descended upon the House to argue for some advantage to their industries. The AMA has issued guidelines for dealing with elected officials: they recommend take two Congressmen and call me in the morning. 

President Obama will sign a landmark bill handing the FDA authority over the manufacture and sale of cigarettes. The bill promises to add fees, increase compliance paperwork and strictly regulate tobacco companies in order to protect Americans from the deadly effects of smoking but stops short of banning sales of the product. In reality, it is part of the stimulus plan. How many jobs will open up for inspectors, paper shufflers, accountants and legal analysts to figure out how to get around the rules. 

One of the measures in the bill will require larger warnings on cigarette packs. Phillip Morris beat the FDA to the punch. Next year, they will begin marketing These Things Will Kill You 100's.

One section in the bill will require a health warning be shown before any Warner Brothers movie made in the nineteen-forties and fifties.

Former President George H.W. Bush celebrated his 85th birthday by skydiving. Originally, he and former Presidnet Bill Clinton were scheduled for a tandem jump, but Clinton didn't make it. He was in the back of the plane joining the Mile High Club.

More at http://screamingyellownews.blogspot.com