How to avoid the Killer Mistakes that Prolong an Affair

The first few days surviving an affair opens a new world, albeit, not a pleasant world. Surviving an affair becomes a thought that occupies the front of most of life for those few days. You begin recovering from infidelity by first realizing that what you have been doing is not working, and probably will not work. You see, during those first few days of surviving an affair, you just go into a default mode. To survive infidelity you must first rely on your instincts. Instinct tells you to "work on the marriage." That becomes your "surviving an affair" strategy.

Instinct tells you to change and prove to your spouse that you have changed (have become what s/he always seemingly wanted.) Your surviving an affair inner manual tells you to suggest counseling and so you do. Your instinct may tell you to recruit the help of others, like friends and family, and so maybe you will reach out. Or, for you, surviving an affair might mean reading books, and then sharing what you've found - "words of wisdom" from the Bible, Dr. Phil or  today’s latest pop psychology guru. You feverishly engage in these behaviors as how to survive infidelity. But, guess what?

All of your seemingly logical strategies fall thoroughly flat. Now, don't beat yourself up for trying those tactics and strategies. Infidelity survival experts will quite often instruct you to do those very same things. And, you are not alone. A huge percentage of those facing infidelity start with all those "Killer Mistakes." I've written an ecourse that goes into detail explaining the futility of those "Killer Mistakes." And when you stop, dead in your tracks, sometimes, and cease those behaviors, good and unexpected things begin to happen. Read on for some words from people who managed to stop engaging in these "Killer Mistakes:"

"More fully accept the idea that I did not make or allow my wife to have an affair, she could have talked to me, gotten angry, had a good fight, cried about her unhappiness or a number of other things. In the beginning, I felt responsible for her decision to have an affair." "I have surely stopped taking effort in trying to change my husband's thoughts, beliefs and values. I simply am trying to concentrate on myself. I am trying not to get hurt by his actions. Even though I have seen him change a lot, I still don't really trust him like I used to. I want to get to be confident so that he can’t hurt me again."

"It has made realize I need some counseling to help me make a decision as to whether if my husband "woke Up as to whether I would want him back." "It has helped me gain confidence in myself, not blaming myself for it. I have learned that I have to put more focused energy on myself, rather than on always trying to work on our marriage. I feel much better now." "More confidence - it is not necessarily about me, the reason for it happening, and has made the feeling of rejection easier to bear in a way. I've also learned that he is going through a midlife crisis – he has all of the classic indicators, right down to the "speech" - sad part is that he may never come out of it (has been 2 years) and has burned many bridges. Yet, I can still have compassion - to some extent, he is just not able to help himself. And I do not have to suffer with it. Also, now I know that my first duty is to myself - if I am strong, I am better to handle it."

"I knew that I was trying to do everything that my husband of 22 years wanted done after I learned of the affair, but it was not working and after reading your courses I realized that I was only competing with the other woman and he was still sneaking around. It had been 6 weeks of heart-ache and depression for me since I made him move out."

"It has given me a wealth of knowledge, hope and tools to use in order to effectively deal with this crisis in a healthy productive way. I've been able to turn the affair around so that I can make decisions in order to protect myself from further pain. My wife and I are now concentrating on saving our marriage."

"I have read and heard so many things about my wife's affair over the past 5 months, I am overwhelmed by them all - how I should leave her from everyone (including my mother-in-law), and they all act like it's so easy. Your advice on not listening to them has been the best."

"It has helped me to realize that there is very little chance of reconciling my marriage as a result of this affair (type 1) and that I need to move on." As you read these stories, themes and patterns jump out. It is critical to transfer the focus away from your spouse, and back to your self. You get a great sense of true empowerment. You are changing some counterproductive
behaviors and that makes you feel great. "Hey, I can do this. It's not the end of the world. What else can I do?" And, you are able to stand back, take a deep breath, and with a new appreciation for your strength, make decisions that need to be made.