What You Can Learn About Cheating From Watching the TV Show Cheaters

I have a guilty pleasure. It's tough to admit, but it's even tougher to shake. I have been watching the television show Cheaters rather faithfully (no pun intended) for the last 4 months. The addiction started when I picked up a Cheaters Uncensored DVD at a garage sale for two dollars.

I heard of the series, but had never seen it. This was partially due to the fact that: (1) I consider myself to be far too intelligent and sophisticated to watch a show about people who seemingly have an average I.Q. of 70; (2) I thought it was fake; (3) I condemn cheating and; (4) it came on at 2 in the morning.

Those were all valid reasons for what I felt would be a natural abhorrence of a show that was high in ratings, but low in morality. After purchasing the DVD I was able to watch episodes at my convenience. I was amazed, appalled, fascinated, entertained...and educated. Yes, I said educated.

In case you have never seen or heard of Cheaters, it's a weekly syndicated reality TV show created in 2000 by Bobby Goldstein, an attorney in Dallas, Texas, which documents people who are suspected of cheating on their partners. It's taped mostly in North Texas around the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex, as well as the greater Houston area. Thanks to the show's phenomenal success over the last 9 + years (which is a sad reflection on our society) it has been syndicated and can now be seen on various channels at all hours of the day and night.

The show is based on investigations (which they refer to as "cases") that are conducted by the Cheaters Detective Agency (which is real agency with many offices throughout the U.S.). The agency follows and investigates people's deceptive behaviors, activities, and sexual infidelities through video surveillance. This is where the entertainment and educational value comes in.

By watching documented surveillance of people who cheat you are placed in a front row seat of a real-time field survey that exposes the antics and psyche of cheaters. Some are first time cheaters (those with no history of cheating in relationships). Some are situational cheaters (those who claim the discontentment of their situation forced them to stray). Some are recreational cheaters (the most flagrant offenders who get a thrill out of manipulating people to get what they want). Very few show remorse for their deeds or take responsibility for their actions. All are liars and their lies and deceptive ways are caught on tape for the world - and their significant others (I use that term very loosely in this article) - to see.

The following is my list of lessons learned from watching Cheaters.

Both Men And Women Cheat - In Different Ways
Immediately following the discovery segment of the show (where collected evidence is presented to the spouse/significant other who hired the Cheaters Detective Agency), there is a segment which the producers refer to as "the confrontation." This is where the spouse/significant other of the alleged cheater gets to confront them (or catch them red-handed) while in the act of cheating. This is also where the drama, the action, and the high ratings occur.

From my observation it seems that women who cheat, in many of these cases, develop an emotional attachment to the men they've cheated with. Often forging an allegiance to their accomplice which results in them choosing the accomplice over their spouse/significant other when confronted (so much for their significance).

The men who they've been cheating with often revel in the cheating spouses' decision as if they've won a prize of some sort. In some instances they even badger the spouse/significant other and make remarks flaunting their sexual conquests after getting busted.

When the situation is reversed the female lover of the cheating man often walks away in disgust. It's notable that at least half of the women who hire cheaters to investigate their spouses/significant others try to resume (usually unsuccessfully) relationships with them. In real life it's estimated that 64% of marriages attempt reconciliation after infidelity occurs. Cheaters confirms this.

Men Cheat More...Or Do They?
According to an infidelity poll of over 1,100 women conducted by WomanSavers.com, over 62% of women thought that men cheat more than women. Matched against a recent American Sexual Behavior study, 14% of married women have cheated at least once, compared to 22% of married men. That's very close; however, these stats must be taken with a grain of salt because in reality it should say only 14% of married women admitted they have cheated at least once, compared to only 22% of married men who admitted.

Clearly women think that men cheat more, but after watching several episodes of Cheaters the truth emerges: women cheat far more than men and other women think. Studies also show that men get caught cheating 80% more often than women do; which proves that women are much better at concealing their infidelities...perhaps because when women do cheat, their men are too busy committing their own infidelities to notice...

Unemployed And Playing Around
Many of the people who are investigated on cheaters are unemployed. This puts a great deal of time at their disposal to fill a void, or boost low self-esteem through an affair. It's a factor, but Cheaters makes it clear that when a person wants to cheat, they are going to cheat - with or without a job - as you will read below. If your spouse/significant other is not vigorously pursuing employment, they may be vigorously pursuing something else with the additional time they have on their hands.

The Top Excuse Used To Cheat: Working Late
In every episode of cheaters they tape a phone conversation between the cheater and their spouse/significant other. In practically every one of those phone calls the cheater uses working late as an excuse to come home late, or to break a scheduled date - often while the person they are cheating with is with them! When your spouse/significant other comes home late on a consistent basis, you need to take note of it.

Friends? Or Lovers In Waiting?
Both the cheating men and women on this show commonly refer to the person they are cheating with as a "friend" - even when they are seen together naked during hidden camera surveillance. Apparently referring to their lover as a "friend" deprives the person they are cheating with of any status or meaning. The person that your spouse/significant other is likely to cheat with will come from his/her pool of friends.

Lies, Lies, Lies!
The people who get investigated on Cheaters have one thing in common: they all are proficient liars. What this show does is help you understand the similarities between the lies that are told, and how they are used to build false relationships with others. Amazingly, it also exposes the lies that people tell themselves when justifying their deviant behavior. Many cheaters don't feel like they are cheating when they are unhappy in a relationship. Others become so used to lying to their spouse/significant other that they continue to lie in the face of cold, hard evidence.

One girl who was busted by the Cheaters Detective Agency said after viewing the tape of her surveillance, "That's not me! They hired someone who looks just like me to be in this video." Or a guy who told his girlfriend that it was not him on the surveillance tape: it was his twin brother that he never told her about. Incredible. The lies come fast and furious on this show. When it comes to cheating in real life, lies are like bricks in a wall: pull one out and many more are sure to come tumbling down.

Busted! Now What?
When men are busted on Cheaters they seem confused about who to console in the situation: the person they cheated on, or the person they cheated with. Cheating women don't front like that: when they are busted, they are just busted. Some are distraught, but many feel compelled or inspired by the opportunity to end the relationship as a result of getting busted.

Trust Your Gut
Cheaters begins each show with the spouse/significant other giving a heartfelt testimony about how they met the person they are investigating. It's very reminiscent of how each case started on the now defunct television series Moonlighting which launched the career of Bruce Willis. Interestingly enough, almost 100% of the people who have their spouse/significant other investigated did so because their gut feeling was that they were cheating.

We don't know how often the Cheaters Detective Agency falls short on finding concrete evidence once hired. Those types of cases do occur and it would be very realistic to document that sometimes both men and women have sneaking suspicions which stem from insecurity, trust issues, or just plain paranoia.

That's different than a gut feeling which persistently gnaws at your stomach and will not go away. The greatest lesson learned from Cheaters is that if your gut has been telling you - for a while - that your spouse/significant other is cheating, you should act upon it. Chances are that your gut is aware of something that you aren't.