Don't Get Nasty in your Divorce: Ten Tips to keeping it Clean!

When you got married, you thought it would be forever. A lot of dreams and hopes and wishing went into that wedding. You and your spouse planned a life together, decorated a house together, raised children together - in short, you shared a life. The dissolution of a marriage is never a happy occasion. There is mourning involved, if there are children, they must be considered. It is basically a family unit being torn apart. So many people do not know how to manage their emotions during a divorce. Old bones are uncovered, accusations are flung about, and the emotional blows can destroy everyone who is involved. So how is it possible to keep your divorce civil?

The following ideas can help you keep the volcano under control... and make sure there is no permanent damage to anyone's emotions, especially the children.

1. Don't wait until the very last minute to discuss your relationship or the end of it. If issues are not discussed between you and your spouse and are aired only during the divorce proceedings, it can get nasty. Honesty and communication should be your guards during the relationship, and when it ends. Make sure you communicate between yourselves, and not through the children.

2. Take care in selecting the best solicitor for you. Some lawyers and solicitors that handle divorce can get smarmy and egg you on to fight. Always remember, creating an explosion in the solicitor's office in front of your estranged spouse and their solicitor is not a good idea. Make sure that you and your solicitor share the same view of enabling the separation to be as amicable as possible.

3. If necessary, work with a marriage counselor during the divorce proceedings to work out the kinks, issues, resentments and bad blood between you. Try to avoid bringing these emotional issues to the divorce proceedings. This also enables you to find a way to communicate about and share your custody of the children, and can help avoid using the children as weapons during the proceedings (a big, huge NO NO).

4.Take personal responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the marriage. Nothing is ever one sided, and taking personal responsibility helps in being able to come to terms with the disintegration of the union. The divorce process is gut wrenching enough without flinging blame at one another. That saying "it takes two to tango" is true. It's never only one party's fault. Sometimes, it's no one's fault.

5. Find it in your heart to forgive. Both sides have done wrong. What is important now is you and your children's future. Concentrate on building a new life rather than harping on about the old.

6.In the event that you've accumulated a great deal of joint property, make sure you take the time to reach an equitable division of assets. If your wife cared for you during your professional years, take it into account. If you both worked and accumulated wealth together, divide it in such a manner that neither feels slighted. Try to understand emotional attachments that your ex-spouse may have for certain things, and find ways to work around them. This, of course, goes both ways.

7.If you cannot come to a reasonable division of property on your own, by all means hire a mediator. Mediators are solicitors that are trained specifically to help divorcing couples mediate their differences and end things well. A mediator can help you find a middle ground so there is no prolonged battle in court (a waste of your precious money).

8.Make absolutely sure you do not say nasty vengeful things about your ex-spouse in front of the children. They hear everything, and they often tell, since they're confused about the whole thing. Keep your disagreements to yourself, and leave the children out of it. You should, however, both sit down and explain the facts to them, and reassure them that they are still loved and will be cared for. It can only lead to bad feeling if the children hear you say bad things about their other parent.

9.Make sure there are equitable visitation rights if one of you receives sole custody. If you share custody of the children, make certain that you are considerate of each other and of the children. Shared custody can be difficult if you cannot communicate. It is vital that you consult each other on decisions affecting the children and maintain open communications about what they are allowed and not allowed to do.

10.Finally, DO NOT TRY TO DO IT ALONE. You must get a solicitor to help you. The process of the divorce can be heart wrenching, and you must have a representative that is keeping a cool head about them.