The First Three Savvy Ways to Say NO

Whenever I do a Communication Seminar, my audience is full of people with different needs.

Some are there because they consider themselves to be assertive but their friends, co-workers and family would label them aggressive. A small group is there because they hate telling other's what they want or think. They learn in class that no one owns a crystal ball and so they need to develop the skills to speak up assertively and state their needs. And then the majority is there because they just can't say no to anyone. They get taken advantage of personally as well as professionally. They feel saying no means that they are rejecting someone and they hate rejection themselves. They believe in being a "good team member" and they mistakenly believe saying "yes" is required if they want to hold on to that label. Each person in this group needs help in saying no - assertively...not aggressively or passively. So using the word "no" can actually help in advancing your career and getting you noticed as someone who is decisive, and values their time.

This tool is also imperative for life balance. Is that a problem in the great U S of A? You betcha! Today's American worker is working 30 days more a year than just three years ago. We are asked to do more and more with fewer resources. Many of us are using our vacations to get control of the work load at home - painting, repairs, remodeling. If you can learn to say "no" more assertively and make better choices with your time - you will actually have more time to get done what you want to get done.

One of the problems with getting our lives into balance is that we are doing for everyone else in our life that there is no time left over for ourselves. Exercise program? Out of the question if you're that Little League parent that shows for every game and practice, and the Sunday School teacher that never misses a class, and that babysitter on weeknights for your friends or family. Somewhere a long life's path you must learn to say "NO" to others so that you can say "YES" to yourself.

Some passive communicators use an old tool called "white lies". As our parents taught us - one lie leads to another. And then it becomes even more work to remember which lie you have told to whom to be able to keep all those stories straight. As you will read in other chapters of this book, avoidance is a tool never used by an expert communicator. So forget your white lies. With confidence and an even tone of voice, you can assertively make yourself clear and be heard. In fact, some people have been pushing and pushing you over the years...just waiting for you to say that two letter word...NO. So let's get you started.

The first issue...volunteerism. I believe we are not put on this earth to take, take, take. We need to give back. Volunteerism is great! And you can be a good citizen WITHOUT giving your time away.

Remember, that old saying...you either have all the money in the world and no time to do anything with it or all the time in the world and no money to do anything with it? That's a very useful tool to use when you need to say "no". If your life is out of balance that it's the time that you desperately need to have added to your life. How do you do that? Here are some real life examples and responses or techniques that can be implemented into your life to allow you to be savvy and successful with the word "no".

1. Weekend Event Participation. The next time you're asked to volunteer your Saturday for a charity event, here's your reply.

"Thank you for thinking of me. No, I can't give you that time to sell hotdogs at the game. I DO however want to support the league so let me cut you a check for $ ____ and where would I need to send that?" or

"No I'm not available. What a great opportunity for my children to donate to the community. What time should I send Craig?" or

"No, and that sounds like a great way to raise funds. I was thinking about donating some of our old toys and clothes to the upcoming big garage sale. When and where should I deliver those?"

2. Solicitors. Even if you are on the "do not call" list, sometimes a solicitor can catch you on the phone at night, on weekends, and at dinner. We hear their scripted dialogue and we really don't have the time to listen to it. I usually give them the courtesy and allow them to finish their script (afterall it is THEIR job and I don't want to be rude...everybody has to make a living. So here are several responses that have worked for me.

"Thank you for calling. No, I've already given to my designated charity for this year" or

"NO. I know you must value your time as I do mine, so please take me off of your list so that
you won't be wasting your time again in the future. Thank you". Or

"No thank you and I hope you have good luck with your other calls tonite. Goodbye."

"No thank you, NO THANK YOU, NO THANK YOU" (Pausing between the no's, escalating your tone, and strengthening of your voice). Remember tone of voice is just as important as the words you will use.

3. Interruptors. Alternate offerings have been used in several of our examples so far. By giving an alternate choice, you are helping the other person feel in control by allowing them to choose Option A or Option B. When doing this make sure you are the one coming up with the options because after all, you too are accepting which choice they make. Alternative choice is a good tool to use with people who interrupt your work day. Time management experts will tell you that you actually control very little of your day because of these interruptions. You take pride in getting as much done on your task list as possible yet, someone, maybe even your boss, drops by and requests that you stop everything and put priority on their project.

First of all you need to know that when someone asks "gotta minute?" You can tell them ..."no now I've got 22". Not really - you don't have to be a smart alec - and yet in reality, the research shows that if you were in concentrated thought and working on something, when you are interrupted it will take you 22 minutes to re-focus at the level you were at BEFORE the interruption. Wow - that's allot of time wasted. So my suggestion is to answer "gotta minute" this way...

"No, I'm working on something right now. I can talk with you at lunch (Option A) instead or after work (Option B)" or

"No, I've got 6 minutes. Can you tell me what you need in that time or do we need to reschedule?" One thing I have noticed is when you are specific about what time you DO have...people take notice. When I say I've got 6 minutes...they are thinking...wow she's serious with her time. If they know it can't be handles in 6 minutes they will likely respond with "oh, no,. never mind, it was important. Sorry to disturb you." or

"Oh, it will take more than 6 minutes so yes let's meet for lunch instead."

"No I can't do that and get the other work you've delegated to me completed. So could you use Nancy in Bookkeeping or Joe in Customer Service to help you?" or

"Yes I can do that but this other work won't get done, which project do you want completed today, this one or that one?"

The other types of interrupters is the ones that just show up...unannounced, without permission. As a bonus, here's what you do with them.

First recognize the fact that they often walk into your room talking...even if you're on the phone or doing something. They're talking because they think you haven't noticed them in the room. So notice them. As soon as they come into the room, give them a hand signal (a nice one) to let them know you know they have arrived. Then once off the phone, give them a minute and look at your watch. This is non-verbal communication that lets them know you are watching your time. If that doesn't work, and they are still talking, after a minute stand up like you're going somewhere. And the final step, go somewhere!

Someone in one of my classes told me that she actually has a team member who will follow her into the bathroom and keep talking. If that is the case, then exit the building. Grab your car keys like you're going to the store. Walk around the office outside and then return.

Then assertively ask for a meeting and set some guidelines about how and when to interrupt.

One company that uses cubicles as work space, has a flag system. They have little flags that they keep on their desks. If the flag is as "half mask" that means "I'm busy, don't interrupt. Another client company uses large felt dots on their cubicles. Red means "stop, I'm busy, do not disturb". Yellow means "I'm busy, if it's important you can interrupt for a minute". Green means "I'm working but can be disturbed. See how important guidelines are in assertive communication with other team members? OK, look for the next article The Next Three Ways to Say NO and they will help you too!