The Secrets of Inspired Relationships (Part 5 – The Foundation of Relationships)

By understanding the perspective of others we can adapt our communication to get our message across without unhelpful judgments about them being up in the clouds or nit-picking!  This article will look at the ‘Purpose’ Level and how the criteria we use to guide our behaviour in that relationship can help or hinder how easily we get on.

The Purpose level is one of the four simple levels of relationship that can be used to identify where we have compatibility or friction.  When we have excellent rapport with someone, we are probably able to relate with them on all four levels.

• Physical = all the non-verbal communication and body language stuff
• Emotional = the ability of both parties to empathise and understand how the other feels
• Mental = being articulate and intellectually stimulated
• Purpose = clarity of shared values and the purpose of the relationship

As you probably know good relationships are still possible with only two or three levels working well, but it's very interesting to diagnose on what levels possible misunderstandings occur. The article below gives us some clues to what our relationships are actually built on and some interesting ways of diagnosing the motivational preferences of the people with whom we are communicating on the ‘Purpose’ level.

Check out your assumptions

Every relationship has a purpose but all too often it is unspoken, undefined and ambiguous.  When things are going well we naturally assume that our purpose is aligned and there is a good mutual understanding.  However this allows many interpretations and both parties may have completely differing views and expectations for the relationship. 

When a shift of priorities or external pressure begins to affect the relationship things can become fraught, especially if there is a lack of clarity about the fundamental purpose.

While it is fascinating to look into how this affects personal and intimate relationships, this article will focus on relationships in a work context.  However I will invite you to reflect on all the relationships in your life as you read on!

Over the many years that I have been coaching and advising clients, I have met Directors who feel totally ‘betrayed’ when a senior manager decides to resign; did they have an unrealistic expectation that the manager was as ‘wedded’ to the long term success of business as they were? (As in ‘until death us do part’!)

When I was Training and Development Manager at the Waldorf hotel in London the managers thought the purpose of my relationship with them was to ‘fix’ their staff.  If someone was underperforming they would send them on one of my courses and then expect them to suddenly be 100% competent without changing their own management style or behaviour (which was often part of the problem).

It took a few years to change the culture and the managers’ understanding of the real purpose of their own relationship with staff.  But just after I left the Hotel to go walkabout in India and Nepal for 3 months, the Waldorf was re-recognised as an Investor in People.  It was nice to know that the managers did it all by themselves.  They had become clear about the purpose of their relationship with their staff; to lead, manage and develop them. 

What is the purpose of the important relationships in your work (and in your personal life)?  Are you able to define it?  Would your definition match how the others in the relationship define it?  I invite you to explore this and if you want some tips on how to do it see below.

Check out what’s really important

Asking about or discussing the purpose of a relationship can seem like ‘indulgent navel-gazing’ and might get you some strange looks, so it is not a great way to start a conversation.

It is much easier to explore what is important to someone in a given context.  Most people can easily respond to a remark like; “I was just wondering what’s really important for you at work . . .”

Their answer is a way for them to describe their ‘criteria’ or ‘values’ in that context.  Our values are like ‘Hot buttons’.  If they get mentioned we cannot help but have an emotional response.  Just ask anyone with teenagers – they have a natural talent for pressing hot buttons in a variety of contexts!

Some other questions that uncover their values are:

• What has to be there?
• What can’t you do without?
• What's important to you?
• What would you like to be there?
• What really matters?

Being able to identify what someone values at work (or in any other context) can provide you with a very powerful way to motivate them by relating what you are discussing, or what you want to achieve, to their hot buttons.

People usually get very engaged when you start to discuss what is most important to them.  It is then easier to explore how you can help them achieve more of what they want and avoid what they don’t want.  This in turn begins to touch on the purpose of your relationship and you can begin to discuss or agree a mutually beneficial purpose.

Once the real purpose of a relationship is clear it becomes possible to challenge, explore and help one another grow.  In a working context it can mean the difference between having a fractious or difficult relationship and one that may not necessarily be easy, but respectful and genuinely helpful.

On a personal level if there is an upset in a relationship it is just a signal that there is a misalignment of values.  By clarifying expectations and what is important to you (and them) it can take a lot of heat out of the situation and enable deeper understanding, empathy and the removal of unhelpful judgments.