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14 Signs That Show if a Midlife Crisis is Destroying your Marriage
Author: Valentina Ibeachum  | Posted: 10-05-2007 | Comments: 0 | Views: 362 | Rating: (64)  (?) 
A midlife crisis can affect both men and women. And it's effects can be pretty devastating for their spouses because they end up bearing the brunt of it.
The unfortunate thing is that those going through a midlife crisis will vehemently deny that it's what's happening to them. Or, on the other hand, they will laugh you off for even suggesting it.
From experience, observation, and studying the subject, I've found at that they seem to all sing from the same song sheet. Someone suggested that it's like a midlife crisis alien virus takes over their system. Some of the likely symptoms are presented below:
Midlife Crisis Sign #1
First things first, what’s in your mind? Are any of the following thoughts (or something close to) swirling around in your mind, or have you actually said them to your spouse?
I’m not in love with you anymore
I still love you (like a friend), but I’m not in love with you
I never knew anything besides life with you
We got married too young
If you hadn’t been pregnant, we wouldn’t have ever gotten married
Midlife Crisis Sign #2
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go on to the next point. Think about your whole relationship from beginning to this (impending) end: it’s been nothing but frustration hasn’t it? You can’t seem to have any fond memories of your spouse at this time. Even when they did something good, it was just to manipulate you or make you feel bad.
When you think back, all the problems that you’re having now and ever had in your marriage has been because of your spouse. They always made you do what they wanted; you never got to do what you wanted.
Midlife Crisis Sign #3
You’re ready for the next one. Be honest now. Do you really care about how they’re feeling right now or what they want? You just want to separate yourself from all of this “madness”. The crying, the nagging, and the constant questions from your spouse is getting you down. So you feel you need to withdraw emotionally, don’t you?
Midlife Crisis Sign #4
You think that there are some things you always wanted but never got round to getting. You’re not going to wait any more until you can afford something before you go out and get it. You deserve to get some nice things and you’re to get them. NOW.
Midlife Crisis Sign #5
You begin to wonder what life would have been like with another person. You reckon that if you had been available, all those other men or women would have wanted you. So you’re beginning to think about testing out your theory. And you know what, you guessed right. There are loads of people out there who want you. They laugh at your jokes and think you’re interesting. They actually think that you’re pretty great.
Midlife Crisis Sign #6
If you’ve already put your theory to test about members of the opposite sex finding you attractive, you may already have engaged or be engaging in an emotional or physical affair.
When you go out or come back at odd hours or receive telephone calls from “some person” you feel that urge for extra privacy so you take it in the bathroom. You don’t know why your spouse has to ask you questions like “who was that?”, “whose calling at this late hour”, etc. When you think about it, what makes your spouse think that you need to answer questions like, “where have you been?” “Who were you with?” , etc.
Anyway, you hate their underhanded sneaking around trying to find about your business. Even if they do produce proof like an inappropriate email or text message on your phone, how dare they invade your privacy? Anyway, you’re going to hold out admitting to the affair if you can get away with it.
Midlife Crisis Sign #7
You’re not really sure if you want your spouse to go on with life without you. Why should they go on to have a happy and fulfilled life when you feel so frustrated with your life? So sometimes you’re affectionate, not too often because you don’t want to raise their hopes too high. One minute you say that you just can’t live with them, the next, you’re getting them to make love with you. Or, you move out, but come back to check your mail and see the children.
Midlife Crisis Sign #8
You really don’t want to deal with anything right now, do you? Why does your spouse want to bring you down talking about “issues” or “responsibilities”? You just want to feel good. Why does everyone keep asking to try to be reasonable? Maybe the solution is to avoid all these discussions and people. Why should do anything that you don’t feel like doing? If you’ve already formed a relationship with someone else, you’re sure that they will help run away from all these disturbances. If not, maybe it’s the new car, or going partying or clubbing. Alcohol and drugs also begin to draw your attention. Why not, you’ve been so responsible for so long and life is too short. If none of these work, you can simply ignore all of them.
Midlife Crisis Sign #9
You go to counselling with your spouse “just to make them feel better”. Anyway, you’re the real victim here. But you’ll just go along so that they won’t say that you’re not trying. But at this stage, you don’t feel like following up with anything the counsellor suggested and you feel that you’re spouse is nagging when they ask you to make some effort in that direction.
Midlife Crisis Sign #10
You’ve known your spouse for so long that you know what makes them happy or upset. So from time to time you practice doing both. But in most cases, you want to prove how awful they’re making life for you by getting them upset so that they can retaliate with something equally mean or hurtful. So you drop subtle hints about taking custody of the children; or you make derogatory remarks about their habits, appearance, family members, the list goes on. It's called pushing their buttons and your time with them gives you a lot of ammunition. Anyway, why not, they pushed you to it.
Midlife Crisis Sign #11
You play the blame game. You can’t really think about any major faults of your own. So you think about and/or say things like:
We don’t go out any more.
We don’t have any fun together any more.
I’m not sure I can continue living with you
You never….
I’m not trying to blame you (but by implication you are)
Midlife Crisis Sign #12
Your spouse makes some effort to change. They’ve done some soul searching about how they could have done better and start putting some effort into it. But you think, “Too little, too late”. As far as you’re concerned, there’s NOTHING they can do that will change things. All that pleading and begging is getting you down, you just want to move on.
Midlife Crisis Sign #13
Despite the fact that you’re not happy about your marriage and you want a different life (preferably with someone else); you get really upset if they file for a divorce. Why should they be the one to take the initiative? If you see that they really want to go through with it, you’re going to make things really difficult for them. Anyway, they’re filing for divorce or suggesting a separation shows that they never really wanted it to work in the first place. As far as you’re concerned, they’ve shown their true colours now and you’re going to let everyone know it!
Midlife Crisis Sign #14
The divorce or separation finally comes through (I hope it doesn’t after reading this). You’re now free to do all the things you really want. What a relief, you can now live the life you’ve always wanted. You’re free to date or carry on your affair (if you had already started it). Then you hear that your ex has started or may be starting a relationship with someone else. You’re not sure if you really like it, but of course you won’t admit it.
Six months to a year passes and you’ve had all the dates, enjoyed your affair to the hilt. You’ve tried all those things that you were always saying “no” to. But somehow you’re still not completely fulfilled. Then you begin to wonder,
Did I make a mistake…?
Was life really that bad...?
Will they take me back...?
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Frequently Asked Questions
I am torn between 2 men that are totally opposit ...
By: supersad | 28-08-2008
I am torn between 2 men that are totally opposit of each other. One of them is my ex-husband of 17 yrs and high school sweetheart, we have 2 beautiful daughters and anything we ever wanted. He wasn't perfect by no means but I know that he loved me alot. I met someone else who treats me like gold and is a wonderful man, however we struggle financially and I work at a job that I hate. We have been together 6 yrs now. My ex and I have talked about getting back together someday. I don't want to hurt either one or myself but I know its coming. I have never felt so lost in my entire life. How does someone make these decisions and what should I ask myself?
Have I done to much to save my marriage?
By: John-ever-learning | 27-08-2008
A month ago my wife says she doesn't love me the way I deserve. I didn't get angry, I was stunned. My wife took my not being angry as my not caring. Later I came to find I was just really disappointed. I was so devastated that I could not be angry. I was completely blindsided and didn't see it coming. Was I to blame for this?
As it turns out, we immediately went to singles and marriage counseling. The marriage counselor said John give her space. We separated, I moved out. It was hard. I emailed her, I went to our house not 5 days later and spent the whole day there. Then 4 days later is her birthday and I went all out. I bought flowers, I wrote all kinds ot things about my feelings for her. I did everything I thought was right.
Both therapists say I'm trying too hard and that I'm actually pushing her away. My individual therapist says I'm putting too much pressure on my wife and that I need to back off.
I also learned that I am hard on myself, am a bit of a perfectionist, am impatient at times, and I don't let out my feelings.
So, I have to make my outside the same as what's going on inside. I have to stop sweating the small stuff. I have to not contact my wife whatsoever for the next 10 days which is when our next session is. I have to do things that make me happy. Which is going to be hard, because I am happiest when I'm with her, but what the hell, I'll figure it out. I also have to stop perceiving things as if they are posessions. I've just got to be me whoever that is.
So, is it to late for me to change and save our marriage? Have I pushed her too far?
____________________________________________________________
Here's more info:
I am 29 and she is 26. For a few days after she told me she didn't love me I tried to rationalize things. I tried to tell her that love was more than a feeling that it was a culmination of many things. I just didn't validate her feelings or want to hear it. Who wants to hear that they aren't loved by the one to which they are married.
What's odd is we like a lot of the same things. We do a lot of the same things. We take care of ourselves. We work out together. We like stupid comedies. But we're different enough to keep it interesting. She is guilty of holding in her feelings like I am.
One month after I proposed to her my father was diagnosed with cancer and one year to that day we burried him. My wife felt it would be terrible to bring the news of her doubt to me during those days. I understand that. I don't like it, but I understand it.
Now, I pray every morning and before I go to bed. Heck, I sleep with Bible now. I pray for guidance, and what I must do to make the situation right. I'm also working on my flaws about which I am learning. I'm being more assertive, I'm doing things I enjoy. I am at the same time missing my wife.
Yesterday I agreed fully to make no contact with her so she can think. For the past month I have been in denial. I didn't want their to be the possibility of a break up pending. I didn't want to hear she didn't love me the way I deserve. I tried my best to do all the things you read about in romance novels. All the while, I have been making her feel more guilty, putting to much pressure on her, and pushing her away. And for that I'm am sorrier than anyone can ever know. I don't want the reason my wife leaving me is because I tried to hard and was too clingy. That's unattractive and yet, I did it. Someone said women are a strange creature, I believe men are far more strange.
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