Frequent arguments cause a lot of damage to a relationship. In each relationship, there is a baseline. This baseline is where the couple wants to be. Everything is good and they feel close to each other. When they have an argument, they drop below the baseline and thus need to return to the baseline so that they can feel close again. But suppose they get into another argument before they return to the baseline; this pushes them even further below the baseline. They now have even more ground to cover before they can return to the baseline. If another argument occurs, they push themselves even further below. This can go on and on until the baseline seem unreachable. The couple tries everything they know but get nowhere. Doubt takes over and logic tells them that the relationship is irretrievable.
Abandon the notion that you need to address and resolve major issues when you are far below the baseline. It is futile to attempt resolution when all you can see is despair. You need to take a time-out from the issues and focus more on staying connected. This usually comes down to shutting up for the time being. The process of pushing the major issues towards resolution is typically what therapists do and the couple also believes this is necessary but it is not.
The therapist often allows the couple to recreate an argument that they may have had a hundred times already. By viewing the couple in action, the therapist gets an understanding of what happens between them. The couple leaves the office wishing they had come in separate cars but come back week after week hoping the therapist will eventually tell them how to reconnect.
I do not allow couples to fight in my office. I tell them they can fight at home free. Instead, the focus is on returning to the baseline. I tell the couple to stay away from the major issues that trigger the arguments for now. I often tell them not to argue at all and the following week they report no arguments. I ask them how they did this and they respond with "You told us not to argue." It amazes me. Couples want to stay connected. They do not want to fight and argue.
So to reiterate, you return to the baseline by giving the major issues or conflicts a breather until you feel closer to each other. The time needed can vary depending on how much hurt has been experienced. One week to four weeks usually provides significant relief but it may take a lot longer. It is vital that you shut up. I am going to cover a wide variety of different techniques to help you during those times you feel that you have to say something. Remember, the closer you are to the baseline, the better chance you have at reconnection.
Got a Question? Ask.
Ask the community a question about this article:
Frequently Asked Questions
Is synthedic oil good for harleys or not
By: tack1 | 22-07-2008
is synthedic oil good for harleys or not
My wife is what we call a
By: mjell50525 | 22-07-2008
Prayer for a troubled marriage
By: PCC1984 | 22-07-2008
I was given a copy of the "Prayer for a Troubled Marriage" ... at the bottom of the page there is a reference to The Weapons of Our Warfare Volume 1, Kenneth Scott, Spiritual Warfare Ministries, Birmingham, Alabama. The last part of the prayer is missing. The copy I was given ends with....
Father, I also thank You for the power and authority that You have given us to speak to our circumstances and command them to be removed; therefore, i speak to this mount
Does any one have the end of the prayer?
Will staying the us as f1 for 8 yrs help to get permanent residency
By: dr.l | 22-07-2008
I have come to the US in 2000 on an F1 visa. I have obtained maters and ph.d. degrees from US university and lawfully maintained f1 status. Currently I am on OPT. I will have completed full 8 yrs in the US as a f1 this August. Will this in anyway help in applying for permanent residency?
How many times was Charley E Goad Married? To ...
By: goldie | 22-07-2008
How many times was Charley E Goad Married?
To Whom
How Many Children?
Referral sources for co-parenting interventions for separated lesbian parents.
By: ajemiller | 22-07-2008
Where can I find a list of licensed mental health specialist who specialize in working with separed lesbian parents, who are raising a daughter. Need these referral for the east side of Los Angeles.
Q&A Powered by:
Latest Marriage Articles
Signs of a Cheating Wife - Learn The Scret Of Using a Journal To Catch Her
By: Kwame Ofori | 24/07/2008
If you are looking for signs that your wife is cheating on you and how to catch her using a journal. Then read this article. Here we reveal the secret benefit, how to start and use a journal.
Wedding Venues - Tips to Choosing a Great Venue
By: Darrell F | 24/07/2008
The first thing to pop up in your mind when you’re planning your wedding is your wedding venue. This is because wedding venue must suit your wedding theme, besides taking the budget consideration. As the traditional way, couples usually plan on marrying in a church while nowadays many couples prefer to have the wedding ceremony and reception all in 1 place where it is more convenience.
How to Save Your Marriage
By: Nikola Dimitrov | 24/07/2008
Well, it is definitely not so hard to save a marriage, provided that one or both partners are willing to do several very simple and logical steps. You see, men and women are so different, and hereby it appears that family is a hard thing to maintain, and yet exactly family is meant by God to be our greatest blessing.
Satisfaction in Marriage
By: CD Mohatta | 24/07/2008
There are very few marriages, where both the partners are satisfied fully. Go around and make a small survey. The results may look shocking but they are true. Everyone has one or the other complain about the married life.
Brunch Wedding Receptions Are Becoming a Cost-Effective Alternative
By: Jayne Waldorf | 23/07/2008
While receptions at lunch or dinner time are still the most popular there are people who are having wedding receptions at other times of the day and often these are arranged to coincide with their honeymoon plans or other factors that make it more convenient to have a reception possibly...
Wedding Invitation - Some Essential Tips For You
By: Jerry Leung | 23/07/2008
Undoubtedly, you will need to consider your wedding invitation when you are planning for your wedding. In fact, it is one of the most important items in your wedding. All couples will try very hard to search for the most perfect wedding invitation. Some may even hire a designer who...
Have a Cheating Husband? Signs of Emotional Adultery
By: Kwame Ofori | 23/07/2008
Not every affair is a physical affair. In some relationships the boundaries of an affair include emotional affairs. Discovering emotional affairs, though, can be tricky. They are not as bold or easily spotted as a physical affair. However, there are still clues that you can spot so you can discover your spouses affair.
Top Sign of a Womans Infidelity
By: Kwame Ofori | 23/07/2008
Looking for information on top sign of a womans infidelity, then read this article. We go into details on the top sign of a womans infidelity
Relationships 
