Cheating on Husband for 7 Years and Dont Know What to Do?

Question:

Hi, I am in the biggest dilemma of my life, I know it's all my own fault, I just want some neutral advice if possible.  I have been married 8 yrs but have been in sort of a continuous relationship with another man also for 7 and half of those 8 yrs.  Its quite a long story to explain everything but I will try to make it as short as possible.  I met my husband online and I think because of my upbringing I was kind of forced to make that decision of leaving home to meet my husband after only talking online with him for 2 months, not knowing him alot, but I moved to America from the UK to live with him.  Once there I found out he was already married, to cut the story short, due to visa issues I had 3 months visit times so He sent me back to the UK and got me a room to rent there while he dealt with his previous married, He told me he would divorce her and that he only married her to help her out with some things.  That marriage is now over but back then I was so depressed to have found out such a thing I had no clue (even though thats no excuse for what I have done, I know) but I didnt think twice before I began a relationship with this other man whom I met where I was renting the room, He was staying in the same house.  My husband does not know of this other man but the other man has always known of my husband.  I dont know why I didnt end either one of the relationships back then but through ups and downs the last 7-8 yrs they have both lasted up till now.  There’s so much detail I want to write to explain everything how when why what etc but Its just too much to write, I have never talked to anyone about this.  I am now sitting in a room where I am staying with the other man but my husband has still no knowledge of him.  Its too confusing to type here but basically I have made my husband believe that I am somewhere Im not.  There is no sex life and there never really has been with my husband.  But with this guy there always has.  Since I left the UK to go to the US, the other guy had had another relationship with a girl for the last 7 or so yrs of which I only found out about 2 yrs ago.  I was shocked and deeply hurt of course but what comes around always goes around right?.  He has as he claims left her for good to be with me but I am so confused I dont know anything anymore.  I really dont know what to do.  I love husband because he has been there for me all this time.  He gives me security which this other guy does not.  But there are alot of qualities this other guy has that my husband does not.  I am just so confused of what to do and where to go in my life.  I cant forget this guy I have tried to but I just have a total breakdown even just thinking about it. And my husband? he will die for me I know that for certain due to experience.  I love him also but for other reasons.  I am to blame for all this I know I just wish time could be turned back.  Right now I have just 5-6 days to make the final decision (again its too confusing to explain by typing it here but thats the time I have before I will forever lose either one of these men I love) :(


Dr. Dan’s Answer:

Wow! I agree that you have a tough decision to make. But I believe you do understand that this is not a healthy life for you. With all of this lying and deceit. It is poisonous and will not get any better on its own. There is more to life than security or sex. Both relationships were created on lies and it is not healthy for anyone. You must make sure to take care of you first. Do you really want to go through this another 7 years? How can you move forward with this if you keep it from your husband? I don’t have the answers for you, and I can’t tell you what to do. But I would recommend that you seek a qualified marriage counselor or Relationship Coach to help you through this with your husband. It is not fair to anyone if you continue to have 2 relationships with these men. But you already know this. I don’t know enough about your current husband, but the guy you have been seeing that knows you are married and also had a fling of his own, will not be there for you in the end. If he would, then he would not have been in a relationship with you for the last 7 years. He is getting what he wants and that’s sex with no commitment or no strings attached. Please seek counseling since this is something that needs to be worked through. If you don’t, then it will repeat itself over and over again in each new relationship you take on. I have seen it with my own clients that I have coached for years. Including everyone from high school kids to A-List Celebs and Millionaire CEO’s.

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