As a coach working with gays and lesbians who are coming out in midlife, I am often called upon to help people sort out whether to stay in or leave their heterosexual marriage. It's not an easy question to answer. Things to consider are the individuals' feelings toward their spouse, the existence of another lover, their ability to remain monogamous in a heterosexual union, their dedication to their marriage vows and the basic strength of the marriage. With probing and discussion, the answer usually becomes obvious to the client over time. Here are some questions you need to ask yourself if you are in this situation:
Your spouse. Are you in love with your husband or wife? What is the nature of the love you share? Is it passionate, romantic love or is it the love of respect and admiration? If it's the latter will that be enough to sustain you over time? Is your spouse expressing ful
fillment in the marriage or does s/he feel something is "not right?"
Your lover. Have you started seeing someone outside of the marriage? How important is that person in your life? Can you envision a future with your lover? Does s/he share that vision? Would you be willing to give up your lover for the sake of the marriage?
Monogamy. Can you be emotionally and sexually satisfied in the marriage? Do you feel compelled to search for sex outside of the marriage? Does your spouse know this and what is their reaction? Do you feel guilty when you think or act on this?
Marriage vows. Are you extremely religious? To what lengths are you able to go to maintain your vows? Does your spouse share these views? Are you able to consider an open marriage with your spouse and reconcile this with your beliefs?
Strength of the marriage. Other than your sexual orientation, how are other areas of the marriage? Do you have arguments often? If so, what do you argue about? Can these issues be resolved or are they intractable? If you were not gay or lesbian, would you be considering a divorce over these issues?
If you are gay or lesbian and are in a marriage, you may be struggling with the decision to stay or leave. Allow yourself time to think it through, talk with your spouse, and seek counseling or coaching to help you. Consider alternative lifestyle options. Think about the ideal life you would like to be leading in 5 years. Most of all, be honest with yourself and with your spouse. The answer lies in your heart, waiting to be uncovered.
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Need any financial help cancer does hurt and the ones you love
By: penny | 21-08-2008
Just went to pick up my pain meds my 10.00 co-pay was no longer active they wanted 53.00. I didnt have it Im in such pain my six year old little girl says mommy my love will make it go away I wish it was taht easy. Im 46 as of aug. 6th my insurance was active last week. now its canceled. I need an operation next week. I found a lump where they removed my rt breast. please I just need some small financial help to give the doctors something I start radiation next week as well I feel so helpless in one doctors visit and breast pain my life has been so hard on myself but my six year old is suffering as well. I cant work and disability Im appealling but I need anyone with just even acouple of dollars or pocket change to help us. you always think this is something that happens to someone else but Im the someone else but Im not alone and shes just starting 1st grade Im not ready to leave her she needs me so please any donations are welcome. they say karma. well ive always tried to give when I could now im hoping my good deeds will come back to me. I didnt do them expecting any pay back but as long as im still breathing Im always gonna help anyone I can thank you penny and taylor.
What to do for mom and daughter day
By: Jess | 16-08-2008
I want to take my 3 year old daughter out on our first mommy and daughter day. I am haveing trouble thinking of girl things to do with her any suggestions?
In search of a necklace
By: tinalovesmatt | 16-07-2008
ok i am a mom seeking a piece of jewellery. its a white gold necklace with a pendent shaped as a child also in white gold. had no luck in finding any object close to this discrition!
In Las Vegas there's a program called It's My Life ...
By: Tom | 15-07-2008
In Las Vegas there's a program called It's My Life for mentoring and housing assistance so that teen moms can get an education while raising out of wedlock children. I'd like to know how the teens are chosen and how the housing for them is secured, i.e. is it donated apartments or money that comes from a specific grant.
What's your favorite place to bike ride around ...
By: jrome | 25-06-2008
What's your favorite place to bike ride around Northampton, MA?
Moms and daughters
By: voterperson | 02-06-2008
MY QUESTION: HOW WOULD YOU INTERPRET EVERYTHING THE MOM SAID AND IF YOU WERE STACY HOW WOULD YOU TAKE WHAT HER MOM SAID -GIVE DETAILS. KEEP IN MIND HER MOM LIKES WORKING AND ALWAYS TELLS STACY SHE LIKES TO WORK.Today Stacy picked her mom up at work at noon. Her mom temps and is in her 80?s. And as you know Stacy goes to a 99 cent store and she buys beautiful blouses, sweaters, blazers. HERE IS THE CONVERSATION THAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THEY WERE HOME:Mom: ?I am glad I worked today and I am working tomorrow and Friday?Stacy: ?I am glad you are glad. Mom here is the blazer and two blouses I purchased?Mom: ?Nice?THEN ABOUT AN HOUR AFTER THEY CAME HOME AND HAD LUNCH THEY HAD TO GO THE BANK AND THEN TO THE SUPERMARKET AND THIS CONVERSATION TOOK PLACE ON THE WAY TO THE SUPERMARKET:Mom: ?Stacy is there anywhere you want to go?Stacy: ?No I already went to the 99 cent store. Mom if I wanted to go the 99 cent store would you go there?Mom: ?I guess??THIS CONVERSATION TOOK PLACE IN THE CAR ON THE WAY HOME (THIS WAS WHEN THEY PASSED BY THE 99 CENT STORE):Stacy:? You know the clothes I got there are really pretty?Mom: ?You think the fish I just purchased is pretty?Stacy: ?Huh?Mom: ?Buy what you want, and I buy what I want but you don?t have to talk about it.?Stacy: ?Huh?Mom: ?I buy the food, and I am supporting you. But do you realize you are rubbing it in?Stacy: ?What do you mean?Mom: ?I am working I cannot go to the 99 cent store or Kohl?s or any place like that to shop. You are home and shopping. I mean you talk about shopping constantly. I don?t want to hear it anymore.?AN HOUR AFTER THEY WERE HOME:Stacy: ?Mom are you saying you don?t care what I buy as long as I don?t talk to you about it?Mom: ?Yes?Stacy: ?But you always tell me they are pretty?Mom: ?What does that have to do with anything. I don?t want to hear about it. When you get a job you can talk to me about your job?
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