Pat Cheney is a life coach working with gays and lesbians who are coming out in midlife and with spouses in gay-straight marriages. To find out more about her services, visit Pat's website at www.discoveringpride.com.
As a coach working with gays and lesbians who are coming out in midlife, I am often called upon to help people sort out whether to stay in or leave their heterosexual marriage. It's not an easy question to answer. Things to consider are the individuals' feelings toward their spouse, the existence of another lover, their ability to remain monogamous in a heterosexual union, their dedication to their marriage vows and the basic strength of the marriage. With probing and discussion, the answer usually becomes obvious to the client over time. Here are some questions you need to ask yourself if you are in this situation:
Your spouse. Are you in love with your husband or wife? What is the nature of the love you share? Is it passionate, romantic love or is it the love of respect and admiration? If it's the latter will that be enough to sustain you over time? Is your spouse expressing ful
fillment in the marriage or does s/he feel something is "not right?"
Your lover. Have you started seeing someone outside of the marriage? How important is that person in your life? Can you envision a future with your lover? Does s/he share that vision? Would you be willing to give up your lover for the sake of the marriage?
Monogamy. Can you be emotionally and sexually satisfied in the marriage? Do you feel compelled to search for sex outside of the marriage? Does your spouse know this and what is their reaction? Do you feel guilty when you think or act on this?
Marriage vows. Are you extremely religious? To what lengths are you able to go to maintain your vows? Does your spouse share these views? Are you able to consider an open marriage with your spouse and reconcile this with your beliefs?
Strength of the marriage. Other than your sexual orientation, how are other areas of the marriage? Do you have arguments often? If so, what do you argue about? Can these issues be resolved or are they intractable? If you were not gay or lesbian, would you be considering a divorce over these issues?
If you are gay or lesbian and are in a marriage, you may be struggling with the decision to stay or leave. Allow yourself time to think it through, talk with your spouse, and seek counseling or coaching to help you. Consider alternative lifestyle options. Think about the ideal life you would like to be leading in 5 years. Most of all, be honest with yourself and with your spouse. The answer lies in your heart, waiting to be uncovered.
- Related Videos
- Related Articles
- Ask / Related Q&A
Can’t Live Without Her? 3 Tips On How Do I Get My Wife To Come Back Home?
By: ayman Dweck | 08/12/2009When your wife leaves your home, this could be the most difficult situation your marriage faces; there is certainly a serious problem that has to be resolved, whether it is unacceptable behavior from you or a root problem in your marriage, you have to be willing to solve the problem, and to solve the problem you have to find a way to get your wife to come back home.
How to Please Your Husband- Spice Up Your Sex Life Tonight
By: Michelle Jacobs | 08/12/2009Lately, your sex life is non-existent. You and your husband just don’t have sex anymore and you don’t know why. It feels like the passion is gone and like the two of you can’t connect physically anymore. You hate living in a marriage like this and you really want to make it better. It is time that you learned some tips to please your husband so you can spice up your sex life.
Easy Ways to Personalize Groomsmen Gifts
By: Michael Caffery | 08/12/2009Pause for a while and think of all the important milestones in your life. Chances are all of your buddies were there. Remember the summer when you were still little kids, with little hands and dirty clothes, squirting water guns all afternoon as if nothing else mattered in the whole...
Marriage Problems that Keep Coming Back - Stop Recurring Problems in Your Love Life
By: Jamie Haas | 08/12/2009When you first get together you Fall in love without any effort, It takes work to stay in love and from an overwhelming amount of data it is suggested you do. Over 85% percent of people who had went ahead and gotten a divorce said that they are certain they would have been happier if they stayed and worked on the marriage. Over 90% ended up having the same problem in the next marriage.
Early Warning Signs of Domestic Violence - The Walking Time Bomb
By: Daryl Campbell | 08/12/2009If they seem too good to be true you should do some serious investigating. It's when they are trying to present you with the perfect image that the mask can easily slip.
Learn the Secret of Most Successful Marriages and the Magic of Making Up
By: Samh | 08/12/2009Most relationships experienced break-ups, misunderstandings and even shaken my unfaithfulness but when a couple overcome it all both enjoy the magic of making up and understood better each other. Love is sweeter the second time around, trust is stronger and openness in expressing how they both feel are open that leads into wider understanding and acceptance of each other.
Why Wedding Preparation Is Important To Having A Wonderful Wedding
By: Robert Friend | 08/12/2009Weddings are certainly events that entail a lot of time to organize and arrange. Weddings can be successful and very extravagant because the people who arranged it were very professional and understood what they were handling.
Wedding Etiquette That Is A Must In Any Wedding
By: Robert Friend | 08/12/2009A wedding is an event that most people wish of having in their own special way. It is a once in a lifetime event, which when done with panache and properly, will leave an impression that will last for a very long time. Along the years, we have seen a lot of unique weddings take place.
10 Tips To Build A Lasting Lesbian Relationship
By: Patricia Cheney | 01/08/2008 | SexualityTips to keep your lesbian relationship vibrant and strong.
Coming Out Lesbian, For The Third Time
By: Patricia Cheney | 30/06/2008 | AdviceComing out is a life-long process. This article describes a method to make coming out a stress free part of life.
Switching From Gay To Straight
By: Patricia Cheney | 23/06/2008 | SexualityHow to reconcile inner conflict in connection with being lesbian or gay.
Can A Lesbian Quiz Answer The Question?
By: Patricia Cheney | 12/06/2008 | SexualityThe best way to determine your sexuality is to look deep within.
Gay In A Straight Marriage: Divorce Or Stay?
By: Patricia Cheney | 26/05/2008 | MarriageFor gays and lesbians coming out in midlife, the decision to leave a marriage can be heart wrenching. This article contains self-examination questions to help make that decision.
Life Coaching Versus Therapy For Gays And Lesbians
By: Patricia Cheney | 19/05/2008 | CoachingA comparison of the differences between life coaching and therapy. This article explores the appropriateness of each discipline for issues faced by the gay and lesbian population.
Coming Out In Midlife: Tips For Finding A Lesbian Date
By: Patricia Cheney | 16/05/2008 | SexualityDating suggestions for women who are first discovering they are lesbian between ages 35 and 50.
5 Steps To Get "It" Done
By: Patricia Cheney | 11/05/2008 | Time ManagementPractical tips to accomplish your goals.