 |
Healthy Relationship, Healthy Self: Build a Stronger Connection Through Self-intimacy
Author: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.  | Posted: 12-03-2008 | Comments: 0 | Views: 213 | Rating: (135)  (?) 
Intimacy is all about connection--the feeling that you and your partner are kindred spirits. The hallmark of a healthy marriage or relationship is feeling close and attuned to your partner, but maintaining this connection isn't always easy. Therefore, finding ways to enhance intimacy is a priority for all couples.
Self-intimacy: A prerequisite to interpersonal intimacy
You are probably in many different relationships: with acquaintances, friends, family, coworkers, to name a few. When you think about the relationships in your life, does your relationship with yourself ever come to mind? Probably not, yet this relationship is central to all of your other relationships.
Self-intimacy is the experience of feeling connected to all of yourself--the parts of yourself you naturally embrace as well as the parts you wish didn't exist. This connection allows you to feel grounded--giving you an emotional center that anchors your experiences. This anchor has an important place in your relationship.
To get a better understanding of your relationship with yourself, reflect on the following questions: "How do I feel about myself? What do I like about myself? Dislike? Hate? Which parts of myself do I find easy to accept? Which parts make me feel uneasy or conflicted?" Your answers to these questions reflect the type of intimate relationship you have with yourself.
Self-Estrangement: A block to interpersonal intimacy
Unfortunately, you may not have access to important parts of yourself. Why? Because you can dislike a part (or parts) of yourself so intensely that you deny its existence. Your denial doesn't mean, however, that these parts do not surface in your relationship--they usually seek expression. When you ignore parts of yourself, you've left the realm of self-intimacy (a connection to yourself) and have entered the world of self-estrangement (a disconnection from yourself).
At one time or another we've all denied certain truths about ourselves, maybe with little consequence--truths that would make us feel vulnerable or ashamed, desperate or inadequate. However, when you're in a relationship, the consequences of self-estrangement are always significant. Why? Because you can never fully hide from your spouse or partner.
When self-intimacy is the norm, you'll be fully present and emotionally available to your partner. When self-estrangement rules your inner world, you will remain disconnected from yourself and your partner. Your relationship is robbed of intimacy whenever you close off aspects of yourself to your partner.
Self-estrangement in action:
The husband who cannot be vulnerable with his wife is self-estranged--he denies his vulnerable self. A wife who minimizes her outbursts is self-estranged--she denies her anger. The girlfriend who ignores her jealousy is self-estranged--she denies her insecurities.
For the last ten years, Chris has worked almost nonstop to become a successful attorney. His driven nature has served him well professionally and he recently made partner at his New York City law firm. To his dismay, Chris's work-related success has always eluded him in his personal relationships.
Chris complains that he often feels distant in his marriage, despite his wife Kendra's encouragement to be more open and share his feelings. Chris is estranged from any emotions that make him feel "weak" or vulnerable. It's his inability to connect with these parts of himself that continues to block intimacy in his marriage.
Chris's first step in breaking out of this self-estrangement pattern is to honestly assess his relationship with himself--in particular, the parts of himself that he wished didn't exist.
Are you ready to assess yourself?
Rate yourself and your relationship intimacy:
Using a scale from one (no intimacy) to ten (very satisfying levels of intimacy), rate the intimacy in your marriage or relationship.
If your rating is relatively high (8 or higher), than you probably don't struggle with self-estrangement. If your rating is relatively low (4 or lower), self-estrangement may be standing in the way of a deeper connection with your partner.
To help determine the impact that your level of self-intimacy has on your marriage or relationship, now rate yourself on the self-intimacy/self-estrangement continuum below:
Self-Intimacy-----------------------------------------------------Self-Estrangement
Pick a spot on this continuum that reflects how connected (or disconnected) you feel to yourself. Try to think about how self-connected you feel in general, since this may shift for you, depending on circumstances. If the spot you choose is closer to the self-intimacy end of the continuum, this means you feel grounded and are able to share yourself fully with your partner; if your spot is closer to the self-estrangement end, you feel disconnected and are unable to share yourself fully with your partner.
Rating yourself can feel a little daunting, so give yourself enough time to adequately reflect on these issues. If it does feel like self-estrangement is holding you (and your relationship) back from achieving the intimacy you desire, speak with someone who can give you support around this issue (your partner, a trusted friend or family member, a counselor). You've already taken an important step by assessing your level of self-intimacy.
Are you ready to build a stronger, more intimate relationship?
To receive FREE monthly tips on how to build the relationship of your dreams, visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro's Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.
As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: "The four mindsets that can topple your relationship" and "Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you."
Rate this Article:
Current: 0 / 5 stars - 0 vote(s).
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/healthy-relationship-healthy-self-build-a-stronger-connection-through-selfintimacy-357973.html
 About the Author:Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a relationship coach and psychologist who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Rich is cofounder of LifeTalk Coaching, an Internet-based coaching business that helps couples strengthen their relationships.
|
Submitting articles has become one of the most popular means of generating quality backlinks and targeted traffic to your website. Join us today - It's Free! |
|
Related Articles
Marriage Lessons: a Golden-anniversary Couple Share Their Wisdom
By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. | 12/03/2008 | Marriage
A couple who recently celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary share what they have learned along the way. Their practical and wise advice can help each of us build a stronger and more successful marriage or relationship.
A Simple Formula to Keep Love and Intimacy Alive
By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. | 05/04/2008 | Marriage
One of the most effective ways to keep love alive and deepen intimacy is to find ways to make your spouse or partner feel cared for and important. Couples often neglect this vital part of their relationship. This article describes ways to make appreciation a regular part of your marriage or relationship.
Relationship Basics: Have Your Forgotten the Fundamentals of a Great Relationship?
By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. | 05/08/2008 | Marriage
There are many reasons why relationships lose their footing, but often couples who end up in trouble lose sight of certain relationship basics. And once those basics are forgotten, a formerly-solid relationship is at risk for spiraling out of control. Discover seven relationship basics that should never be forgotten.
Build a Better Relationship: Use Your Emotions to Deepen Intimacy
By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. | 14/06/2008 | Marriage
Emotions are an important part of every life and therefore an important part of every relationship. Learning to use your emotions as a tool to create a deeper connection with your partner can take your relationship to the next level.
Treat Her Like a Queen
By: Jim Lim | 10/01/2008 | Marriage
Chances are if treat your wife like a Queen she may just treat you like a King?
Build a Stronger Marriage by Setting Relationship Goals
By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. | 06/09/2007 | Marriage
Relationship goals can offer a simple, yet powerful, means to keeping your relationship on track and moving forward. This article suggests ways to assess areas of your relationship that can benefit from fresh goals.
Intimacy 101: Uncover the Hidden Rules That Run Your Relationship
By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. | 11/05/2008 | Marriage
Like society, all relationships (including yours) are governed by rules. These rules help determine a wide range of behaviors, especially how you and your partner communicate and achieve intimacy. The danger is that many of these powerful rules remain unspoken and out of your awareness. Becoming mindful of your intimacy-rules is an important step in creating a strong and lasting marriage or relationship.
Marriage Alert: Why Falling Out of Like is Dangerous to Your Marriage
By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. | 23/06/2008 | Marriage
People start dating because they like each other. However, once they fall in love, couples often ignore the important role that liking one another plays in marriages and relationships. This is a dangerous omission, since falling out of like often sets the stage for falling out of love.
Got a Question? Ask.
Ask the community a question about this article:
Q&A Powered by: 
Latest Marriage Articles
Easy-To-Find Fall Wedding Favor Ideas
By: Janet R. | 16/10/2008
Any kinds of wedding ceremony calls for wedding favors. Although wedding favors aren't mandatory however, many were inspired by this wedding tradition. Giving favors is one way to extend couple's appreciation to the guests, and a right choice of these items can remind them of your special day. Of all...
Winter Wedding Details and Ideas
By: Janet R. | 16/10/2008
Summer and Fall are popular season to get married. When we think of weddings, we basically look forward of having a puffy white clouds and fine weather celebration, where in fact very ideal for any occasion. Then we include different colorful flowers and spring like-colors. This may seem to be...
Winter Wedding Ideas - Proper Planning is Safe
By: Janet R. | 16/10/2008
Your winter wonderland wedding is a little more dramatic when a well planned preparation is involved. Though some would prefer a bright sunshine day, a gloomy, bitter skies looking ominous weather makes a winter wedding more unforgettable. Apart from it, winter themed wedding is perhaps different from usual weddings, and...
Best Places to Wedding in Mississauga
By: Rafi Michael | 15/10/2008
Mississauga offers a range of wedding locations from which one can choose. Some of the best Mississauga wedding locations include banquet halls, hotel grounds, mansions, and churches. When choosing Mississauga wedding locations, one should put into consideration the amenities that available in that particular venue. To book a banquet hall,...
Kikuyu Wedding Traditions
By: Rafi Michael | 15/10/2008
Weddings are largely a social affair with societal standing and financial status playing a big role in the type of wedding to be held. Wedding photos also play a major role. However, perhaps the most influencing factor that determines a wedding's components is culture. The Kikuyu culture is a well-known...
Luo Wedding Traditions
By: Rafi Michael | 15/10/2008
The Luo is a tribe found on the Lake Victoria basin in the East African country of Kenya. Currently, they constitute the third largest tribe in Kenya, accounting for about 13% or 3 million of the country's population. Some of them have moved to the neighboring countries of Tanzania and...
Benefits of Hiring a Professional Wedding Videographer
By: Rafi Michael | 15/10/2008
One thing that married women agree on is that having their wedding captured on video gives them more realistic memories than still wedding pictures. Most of them will confess that a wedding video is more entertaining and more interactive than the photos. Having a quality wedding video may however, be...
Wedding Transportation - Limousine - Limo Bus
By: Rafi Michael | 15/10/2008
Weddings are usually once in a lifetime affairs and thus they should be made as special as possible. A majority of weddings undergo time and scheduling delays occasioned by transportation delays. Wedding transportation is thus an important part in the overall planning of wedding. Hiring affordable and easily available transportation...
More from Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.
Marriage Alert! Can Your Relationship Survive the Financial Crisis?
By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. | 14/10/2008 | Marriage
There is a hidden casualty of this financial mess that doesn't seem to be getting any press: Marriages and relationships are more vulnerable than every during these uncertain, stressful economic times. Learn how to protect your most valued asset: Your relationship.
Marriage Slumps, Relationship Ruts and Other Painful Realities About Love
By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. | 24/09/2008 | Marriage
Many couples have unrealistic expectations about love and romance—and life doesn't necessarily prepare couples for the challenges inherent to long-term relationships. You will discover twelve truths about love that will better prepare you for the realities of what's ahead.
Emotional Affair: Have You Entered a Danger Zone?
By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. | 12/09/2008 | Marriage
An emotional affair often occurs long before a physical affair. Everyone is vulnerable to heading down the path of emotional infidelity and because of this, you need to be prepared. Discover the top warning signs so you can protect your marriage or relationship from the danger zones of an emotional affair.
Intimacy 101: is This Intimacy or Dependency?
By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. | 08/09/2008 | Marriage
Intimacy (the emotional, physical and spiritual connection you and your partner create together) is the greatest gift and the biggest challenge of committed relationships. When you remain too separate from your partner, intimacy suffers, yet the danger also exists that you will lose yourself in intimacy's embrace. Learn the different between intimacy and unhealthy dependency, so that you can experience the joys of an intimate relationship.
After Marriage: 4 Surefire Ways to Kill the Passion in Your Relationship
By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. | 29/08/2008 | Marriage
Anyone in a long-term marriage or relationship understands the challenges of keeping romance and passion alive. However, you may hold certain beliefs that can actually drain the passion from your relationship. Discover some common harmful attitudes towards sex in committed relationships and revamp your thinking.
Marriage Problems: are Power Struggles Destroying Your Relationship?
By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. | 26/08/2008 | Marriage
Couples often get into power struggles because they fail to properly consult with each other when faced with important decisions. The need to feel in control often creates major hurdles for intimacy and can prevent you from building a harmonious relationship. This article describes ways to help you and your partner begin working as a team and overcome power struggles.
Are Your Friends Hurting Your Relationship?
By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. | 14/08/2008 | Marriage
Couples who lack support from others often feel isolated and less satisfied with their relationship. No matter how strong your marriage or relationship might seem, you and your partner can benefit from having a strong relationship-support network. Discover why you should start building a relationship-support system today.
Passionate Sex: How to Overcome Boredom in the Bedroom
By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. | 10/08/2008 | Marriage
Many couples in long-term relationships complain about a dwindling sex life. Hectic schedules and competing priorities often push physical intimacy off the relationship map. This article explores seven ways couples can boost their lovemaking and create a more satisfying sex life.
|
|
Relationships 
