I'm Insecure and Worried about His Commitmment

Actually I have been married for 10 years. I had a very very happy life as I love my husband very much. But now for the last 2-3 years he seems to be disturbed as he sees around that everyone is dating and he never did that so he misses that thrill and now he wants to do that. We have 2 kids. He loves and cares for them and me.

I try to bring lots of variety in our daily life so that he should not be bored. But his job is such that he is not busy all the time and he has lots of time. and there is no other tension in our life. So such thoughts are coming in his mind. He says that this is natural. Each and every man has such desires.

So I am worried that through the internet he may try to find someone to be in a short term relationship with. I guarantee that he will not leave me and my kids. But I am possessive and am hurt because of his desire.
So I am upset. I am an Indian and in this culture I have not seen anybody having any extra marital affair among our relatives.

So please help me. I am loosing faith in him which will trouble our life.

VAL'S ANSWER

I would like you to understand that what's happening to your husband is something that is common among many men all over the world. They've given it a name. They call it the Seven-Year Itch. It describes what happens to men after seven years of marriage who begin to become disatisfied with their marriage and their wives. What happens is that they want to know if they still have what it takes to pull women. Or, in the case of your husband who never did any of that, he wants to see if he can do it now. Like you said, he's become bored.

The problem isn't really with you, but with him. But what can you do about it is what you would like to know, isn't it? Many women would like to know what they can do about this as well. But let me tell you some of the things you have in your favour:

1. He loves you
2. He loves his kids
3. There's no other tension in your life – this is good because you only have this problem to deal with at this time
4. At least he's talked to you about it
5. Your home is a happy home – a short-term relationship can't give him that

These things are important, because some women can't even depend on the above, but you have them. So focus on these things and be happy about them.

Now what can you do?

1. Don't stop loving him because of this weakness, he needs that love to draw him back

2. Dont' start nagging him about it – it will make him not want to come home and he may become even more determined to do it

3. Try to think like a girlfriend would think. Sometimes we wives have been wives for so long, we forgot how to just be lovers. Don't only think like a wife and mother, think like a lover (but I don't know exactly how your culture regards things like that, e.g. if the husband is repulsed when a wife makes sexual overtures then it might not be the right move to make, but if he isn't, think about doing things that will surprise him and reactivate his interest).

4. Think about the kind of girl you were when you first got married. Have you changed drastically since then? Is there something you know you can change that might stir his attention?

5. Find a good time and opportunity to gently ask him why he feels this way and if there's anyway you can help him with this.

6 . Finally, you need 3 things to get past the Seven-Year Itch – Kindness, Tolerance, and Patience. These are the things that will bring him back and restore your relationship to what it was after this period. You need these to wait it out.

My friend told me about an Indian man he met in a social event one night. The man had never met him before , but he was so distraught that he came up to him and started telling him his story. He had been married to the same woman for six years. Then he got involved with another lady and seemed to lose all interest in his wife. She kept asking him if everything was all right, but he kept saying that it was just the demands of his job. But she eventually found out about this other lady and threw him out. He was full of regret. Now she had given him his "freedom", he didn't want it any more. He wanted his wife, not this other lady. He wanted his family life back. But his wife was so angry that she asked him to leave. To be honest, I don't know where they are now. My friend only ever met him that once.

This story should give you some hope in the sense that when that itch is gone, he will realise that what he has now with you is much better than what he thinks he's missed out on. You rightly feel hurt and possessive. You should, you're his wife. But at this time you must control your impulses so that the things that you do or say won't drive him away. Be patient while this feeling burns its self out because it usually does.