Is He a Jerkwad? Take This Test

OK, he forgot your anniversary. No biggie. After all, it was his anniversary also. Hey, people forget; that special dinner that you prepared will cover lunch for the rest of the week. And when he forgot to tell you that your mother called and to pick her up at the podiatrist because the strap broke off of her new shoes that she would not have bought if they didn’t match her blue dress which, as it turns out, is actually green. But that was yesterday—she should be home by now—if she limped through the park in the rain or took a taxi, which you know she wouldn’t do because the last time she took a taxi, it was over $2.25 which was ridiculous and bumpy, not to mention, rude.

Of course, you didn’t tell her that he forgot. You covered his butt because, well, you’re her daughter and he’s not. So you told her that you were actually getting root canal and had to walk home yourself because of the nitrous oxide and you stopped in the market for a couple of things and felt queasy in the paper goods aisle went by dairy three times before you found the 1% milk and, by the way, that you really didn’t like those shoes when she first bought them, seven years ago. And not to worry because the walking is probably good for her bunions. But mom will recover in a week or so. Back to him, the jerkwad.

What would you think if I told you that he can’t help it? That he’s really not ignoring you; ok, he is; but that he is not in total control over what he does or doesn’t do in the relationship. Incredulous? Ok, take this little test to see where your man stands.

Next time you are together (say, when he is sipping his coffee and reading the paper or watching a commercial during a timeout), ask him the following:

“Milo (use his own name if you like), do you still consider me flafelling?”

Of course, flafelling is a word that I just made up. Feel free to use your own favorite made up word or, if you have a spare mantra lying around, use it. It is most important that you do not ask a real question—the average man cannot detect the difference between a real question and a flafelling question. One other thing; the word still conjures up all kinds of chemical reactions that may put him on the defensive. So, for the purpose of this little test, omit the word still. So the question, you should put to him, quite casually is:

“Milo (or Artie, Stan, et al), do you consider me flafelling?”

If he asks you to explain what flafelling means is an indication that he actually heard what you said, comprehended it to the best of anyone’s ability, and responded accordingly. Congratulations to both of you—he is not oblivious. On the other hand, if he grunted or answered in the affirmative, negative or anywhere in between, he is oblivious.

If you would rather not wait until he is home and available to ignore you in person, here is a quickie test that you can take all by yourself. Grab a pencil.

When it comes to our relationship, ________ (fill in his name or just remember it) is:

a) Oblivious

If you answered (a), you are correct: your man is oblivious. If you did not understand the question, or you are not reading this now, you are oblivious. If you are both oblivious, congratulations.

Put your pencil down.

You see, it’s not his fault—it’s in the DNA (note: some folks think that DNA means Does Nothing Around Here, which is obviously incorrect because that would be DNAH). If you are still not sure, try this extended test. Score 10 points for every yes answer. You can write the score down or just remember it the way he remembers his golf score from three years ago but can’t remember to tell you that Evelyn called with the update, yesterday. Ready?

1. Has he ever forgotten your birthday?
2. Has he ever given you cash for your birthday? (If it was over $500, do not answer yes).
3. When you are out to dinner and you offer him a taste of your tilapia and spinach salad and hint for a taste of his four pound lobster, does he smile and tell you that if you wanted lobster you maybe should have, you know, ordered it.
4. Has he ever called you by his ex’s name?
5. Has he ever called you by your ex’s name?
6. Has he ever complimented you by saying: “Hey, did you get liposuction today?”
7. Has he stared at a hot chick with the store-bought chest while you were together without trying to cover it up by using a window reflection or the back or a spoon?
8. Has he sent you an email or e-card for your anniversary?
9. Has he apologized for the e-card by sending you a basket of fruit with a pre-printed card that says: “sorry about the thing”?
10. Has he said “I love you, Shirley” within the last three months? (This question only valid for those whose name is not Shirley. If your name is Shirley, cross out Shirley and write in Myrna Elizabeth and answer the question.)

Ok, take a moment to add up your score. I’ll wait. Remember 10 points for every ‘yes’ answer.

GOS (Glebe’s Oblivious Scale)

Points: Result:

0 - 20 He is an abnormal guy and you have him exactly where you want him except that he is probably having an affair.

30 – 60 He is within the range tolerance of a normal guy. Occasionally, he is a jerkwad, but otherwise, he has some bright spots. All in all, he is an ok guy, an average Joe. He may be a little boring but, considering that he is not a total jerkwad, that is ok. Gently work on him a bit to trend him towards the lower end of the range but not into the 0 – 20 abnormal range where you will certainly have significant issues.

70 -100 Congratulations, you have a total jerkwad. He is probably unchangeable or, by the time you do change him, you’ll be too old to care. Have an affair.

I hope that this little tidbit is helpful. My next article will focus on why men wouldn’t be so selfish if they were women.

By Glebe
author of: Points
the relationship guide for people who don’t like relationship guides
www.GlebesPoints.com