Is Your Marriage Steaming Hot or Cold (part 2 of 4)

In part one of this article, we outlined the five stages that a typical marriage goes through and focused primarily on the differences between the Steaming Hot and Cold stages. However, after reading part one, many of you may be asking, "Where do we go from here?" What are the practical steps that we can put in place to change the temperature of our marriage?" The answers to these questions will be covered in parts two to four of this article. We will look at some simple steps to take your marriage from cold to steaming hot. Remember, this is not a quick fix and requires hard work and dedication. Before continuing you need to make a commitment to do everything outlined below. If you choose to skip some, you will be short changing your marriage and will not see the desired result. All the steps are inter-related, life-changing, necessary and practical. So, are you ready to take up the challenge? If yes, you can continue reading.

The steps to having a Steaming Hot marriage are:

1. Put an end to the Vex Room
2. Have Weekly Dates & Yearly Vacations
3. Be Willing to Compromise
4. Learn to Forgive

Step 1 - Put an end to the Vex Room

We stayed by a couple's home one weekend and while the wife showed us around, something very interesting and somewhat strange surfaced. She showed us "The Vex Room". She said, "This is the room I sleep in when I am upset with my husband". We thought it was a joke, until we saw her face and realized that she was very serious.

When we have open doors in our marriages, we will never be able to fully resolve issues, as there will always be an easy way out. Needless to say that because our friends had this "Vex Room", they were constantly arguing and they would spend days sleeping in separate rooms. It was as though they enjoyed taking their little retreats away from each other. Your vex room may be the living room (sofa) or your child's bedroom. The bottom line is that having such a room is unacceptable and immature. You are no longer single. Actually, this room also shows you are not serious about your marriage, that what is most important is getting your way. Most important, however, is that the vex room is the pathway to separation because you are already separated, just living under the same roof. Most couples who start this way end up getting a divorce. It was easy for them because they were practicing separation their whole marriage. Their marriage became cold.

Do not just say, well this is how we deal with conflicts. We believe this mindset is the easy way out. We have found that many couples who practice this do not end up dealing with the real issues after coming out of this "Vex Room". Sometimes they end up forgetting what caused the problem in the first place and if they remember, they do not find the time to sit and deal with the issues at hand. In the end when another issue like that resurfaces they are unable to resolve it and the cycle continues. Eventually, all the unresolved issues pile up and one day a volcano blows. Never put off for tomorrow what can be done today. As the issues arise, get them out in the open and resolve them. I have heard of many couples getting a divorce and wondering when their marriage got to that stage. When was it that they fell out of love? Why was it that others could have a successful marriage and they could not? They may not realize it, but much could be attributed to unresolved conflicts, that "Vex Room". Decide today that you will no longer have a "Vex Room" and that you will resolve your conflicts immediately. 

Step 2 - Have Weekly Dates and Yearly Vacations

Some people do not see the need for vacations. Actually, there are married couples I know who have never been on a vacation "together" as they take time off from work by themselves without coordinating with their spouse. Some couples think it is just a precious waste of time and money and they would prefer to work through their vacation leave in order to get additional pay. They allow everything else to take center stage in their marriage and wonder why there is no spark. If you want to have a steaming hot marriage, vacation and dating will have to take precedence.

The truth is that if done correctly, vacations can be a marriage rejuvenator, a "marriage refueller" and a "get your groove on" experience. It can help to keep your marriage fresh, long lasting and steaming hot. We try to go on at least three vacations per year, but before you start to even complain that you cannot afford it nor have the time to do that much, let me clarify the fact that two of them are usually a week end get away at an average low cost hotel or villa. For some of you it is the cost of two new dresses, accessories for your car, that latest gadget that you think you cannot do without or the latest cellular phone. The third vacation is the "main event" of the year which is usually a trip overseas. At the beginning of the year, we dream about these vacations and sometimes planning them is just as rewarding as the vacation experience.

Finally, ensure that you are going on weekly dates. Can you remember how things were before you got married? Many of you went out once per week or even twice. You had fun and the fire in your relationship was burning. Why do you think you can keep that fire burning if you stop doing the things you used to do? If you have children, find a responsible and trustworthy family member or friend to look after them while you are out. You can also have romantic dates at home while the kids are asleep. In the same way you did not find excuses when you were dating you should not find them now. There are thousands of dating and vacation ideas online, most of which are very inexpensive. If you have not been on a date in a while, plan one for this week. It is not enough to want or read about a steaming hot marriage, you need to be willing to implement the steps.  Based on the Marriage Thermometer principles.