Rich Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach with fifteen years experience helping couples. His marriage advice and relationship help tips have appeared on television, radio, and in national magazines, such as Cosmopolitan, Psychologies and Natural Health magazine.
What is a fear of intimacy?
The term "fear of intimacy" is often used to describe someone who has difficulty creating a close connection with their spouse/partner. Typically, the phrase highlights a person's struggle to become physically and/or emotionally close, and we often describe this struggle as a fear.
But often there are certain differences between men and women that are misinterpreted as a fear of intimacy.
Men and Intimacy: Is it really a fear of intimacy?
In my work as a couples counselor and relationship coach, I often hear complaints about men having problems with intimacy. While some men clearly struggle with intimacy, many do not but are accused of having problems with emotional intimacy.
One wife's view: As Alicia recently described to me, "I try to get close to Carl and get him to talk about his feelings, but he fights me every step of the way." When asked about how her husband "fights" her, Alicia stated that he either doesn't want to talk about his feelings or he can't. She's not totally sure if he's being willfully defiant or is incapable of such verbal sharing.
One husband's view: Carl doesn't think he has a fear of intimacy but did acknowledge that he, like many men, has difficulty verbalizing his feelings. "I've never been good at 'feeling talk' but does that mean I don't want to feel close to Alicia? Not to me it doesn't. I often feel close to her."
What emerged in our couples work is that what makes Carl feel emotionally connected to Alicia is different from what makes her feel connected to him. Alicia uses words and emotional sharing to connect, while Carl relies more on activities to connect emotionally with Alicia.
So what Alicia perceived as a "fear of intimacy" had more to do with different intimacy styles: Alicia and her husband travel down different pathways to achieve emotional intimacy. Mutual understanding and greater empathy will result when you and your spouse/partner become mindful of each other's unique intimacy styles.
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