Relationship Communication: Learn How to say “I’m Sorry”

Have you ever gone to bed after a long hard day and you were still in the mood for love?  I mean your sweetie looks amazing in her lingerie and you’re ready for action.  However, hold on…”Houston we have a problem”…you and your sweetie and an argument earlier that same day.  You blew it off and forgot all about it.  She did not.  She has been stewing all day about this and you’re not getting lucky tonight mister.  “What is her problem?” you wonder.  “It was just a little argument, no big deal.”  Wrong!  You were a jerk – at least in her mind you were.  And…you didn’t apologize.  

The inability for a man to learn how to say “I’m sorry” is one of the most common relationship problems there is.  Notice I used the phrase “learn how to say I’m sorry.”  Many men can say they're sorry.  But, they don’t all know how to do it.  There are several important factors to consider when giving an apology to your sweetie.  

First, your apology must be sincere.  If you apologize just for the sake of apologizing she will right through you.  You will look phony and self serving.  You have to address her feelings.  Find out specifically what you did or said to make her so upset.  Acknowledge her feelings – tell her she has a right to feel that way.  Don’t try to justify your actions, or she won’t believe your apology is sincere.  Tell her you’re sorry for specifically what you did and how you made her feel.  By doing that you will show that you recognize what you did was wrong, and you empathize with her hurt feelings.  But, don’t stop there…

The second thing you need to do is to form a plan.  Tell her what your plan is to not repeat your harmful words or actions again.  If she hears you say “I’m sorry” one more time… for the same offense that you told her you would not do again…well…it just sounds very shallow and not real.  When you make a plan of prevention you're less likely to repeat whatever got her upset in the first place.  And, the longer you  refrain from the behavior, the less ingrained it will be in your life – like being overly critical for example.  There’s an old saying that goes “the more you don’t, the more you won’t!”  

Third, apologize in person.  Any apology you would do by voice mail, email, of having someone else do it for you smacks of insincerity and just plain old lack of concern.  It shows you didn’t care enough to be there and look her eye to eye and really empathize with her feelings.  It also gives the non-verbal message that you are not really sorry, because to didn’t care to show up and tell her yourself.  Your presence and eye contact mean everything to a woman in telling whether or not you are sincere.

Learning how to effectively apologize is one of the most critical relationship issues.  If you are successful it can make a relationship last a long time.  Your chances of success are greatly improved if you’re sincere by indentifying what you did wrong, and empathizing with her feelings.  You also need to share with her your plan for not repeating the same offense twice.  That way she knows you mean business.  And, you need to give in one on one, in person, eyeball to eyeball attention when you do say those magic words.  Take care of the problem as soon as possible. Don’t let her stew all day about you being a jerk.  If you do these things well, you may not get lucky that same night, but both of you might just get some well deserved sleep…or you might just get lucky.