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Relationship Reality-check: are you Too Dependent on your Partner?
Author: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.  | Posted: 18-11-2007 | Comments: 0 | Views: 20 | Rating: (53)  (?) 
 Relationships are all about closeness. Taking the risk to open your heart and letting your partner know the real you is the most profound type of sharing. This level of intimacy can be emotionally and spiritually rejuvenating.
A healthy relationship is like a high-wire circus act. Lean too far in any one direction and you’ll topple. This balancing act involves autonomy (maintaining your individual identity, values and goals) and connection (you and your partner share many experiences and have become a “we”). Lean too far toward autonomy and you sacrifice intimacy. On the other end of the spectrum, if you continually sacrifice what’s most important to you for the sake of the relationship, you’ve given up what makes you uniquely you.
Intimacy versus unhealthy dependency
Intimacy is the emotional, physical and spiritual closeness you experience with your partner. Intimacy is not a fixed thing. You may have noticed that the closeness you feel with your partner ebbs and flows. This is normal. You’re likely to feel autonomous at times and deeply connected to your partner at others.
Ideally, intimacy shouldn’t subsume your individuality; instead, it should sustain and augment your uniqueness.
But when you become unable to complete the simplest tasks on your own, you’re no longer appropriately close to your partner—you’re unhealthily dependent. If this is the case, you feel helpless and incompetent without your partner. You need your partner to function, to make basic decisions, to feel good about yourself.
Healthy dependency
We all depend on our partners for love, kindness, validation, support (and more) while we still hold onto our own identities. Your own “I” and the relationship’s “we” exist side by side. When you learn that you can depend on your partner to meet your needs, your sense of trust is strengthened and the intimacy in your relationship deepens.
There may be times when intimacy gives way to dependency, especially when you cope with painful events. In these moments your partner may act as the life-jacket that keeps you afloat. Take Andy and Donna:
Andy was consumed with grief when his father passed away. Feeling despondent, he needed to take time off from work. For several months, he was dependent on Donna, who took charge of all the household responsibilities and helped support Andy until he climbed out of his despair. Reflecting on this time in their relationship, Andy recalled, “Donna had to remind me to shower and spend time with the kids. It was like my brain stopped working and I had to rely on hers.”
We all need our partners to help us shoulder burdens as we cope with stressful experiences. This doesn’t mean that we are dependent upon our mates in an unhealthy way.
Has unhealthy dependency crept into your relationship?
Here are a few questions to help you determine whether or not unhealthy dependency is becoming problem for you:
- Have you given up most of your individual pursuits and interests in an effort to please your partner?
- Do you find that you cannot make a decision without your partner? (Not to be confused with the appropriate practice of valuing your partner’s opinion before making a decision that affects both of you.)
- Have you abandoned important personal values in an effort to maintain your relationship?
- Do you need to know everything your partner is thinking and feeling in order to feel secure in the relationship?
- Do you become angry and feel abandoned whenever your partner attempts to do something alone?
Answering “yes” to most or all of these questions may indicate that intimacy has given way to unhealthy dependency.
To discover tips on how to build healthy intimacy and a more intimate and loving relationship, sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter by visiting http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/.
You will also receive two free reports on how to break the pattern of destructive arguments and discover the four mindsets that are dangerous to your marriage or relationship.
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Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/relationship-realitycheck-are-you-too-dependent-on-your-partner-262154.html
About the Author:Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Rich and his wife Lucia founded LifeTalk Coaching, an internet-based coaching business that helps couples strengthen their relationships.
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Got a Question? Ask.
Ask the community a question about this article:
Frequently Asked Questions
How can I get my boyfriend to stop
By: NullTerm | 18-11-2007
How can I get my boyfriend to stop using his computer and start kissing me?
Follow up thread, is it time to touch mi gf?
By: omgitistotallymatt | 18-11-2007
Orion, this is the same thread i started earleier, i just want to covey that i believe it is the parents causing this to make her feel "dirty", and how she thinks tht if other people know she will be dirtty. how can i subtly tell her this is not so, and (i will be seeing her soon with mostly alone time) how can I do these things to her so she will become comfertable (the whole touching thing). I feel that she believes that we dont need to do this. We dont, but i feel it would add a whole new level to our relationship. Also, she says she is very mature, and i kno she is, but the thing is, i dont want to hurt her doing this. is there a way to get the point across to her that doing this is perfectly natural, and at the same time getting her to believe me, and me doing it to her to show her that it can be enjoyable., do you catch my drit. I dont want sex, b/c marriage is the only time id do tht. I kno we dont have to do this, but is there a way to get her to believe me. the first time i did it, i kno she enjoyed it, is there a way i kan show her that is ok, so i kan do it again (mayb making her feel aroused in a sense, and if so, how do i go abt doing tht). Just any ideas so i can continue this practice, i feel that we are far enough into our relationship that we should be doing this. Also, we talked about the first insident after it happened, and she was telling me abt how she felt "dirty" and tht it just wasnt right. Hope this helps.Plus, i dont know if this would help, but the first day i tried this, i noticed that wht she was wearing was not the norm, like she wore it to make me feel...well you know. I noticed the stuff she was wearing underneath her pants wasnt boxers, but underware, b/c her pants were basically clear (long story on hwo i kno that, but i sware it is NOT cuz i am a perv) . it is lik she is sending me a mixed message, that she wants me stimulated, but she doesnt wanna be Thank you for yorur help so far. :)
Addition to previous question on how 2 get hindu girl for marriage to me
By: murshid | 18-11-2007
Yes, today I approached that girl to marry me. As you may remember, I am 48 y/o well settled man in life, devout Muslim and have decided to marry one young (23 y/o) hindu girl. In fact I called her parent house, where she resides but she -REFUSED- to talk to me! Now I know this must be foolishness of youth but I don't mind, maybe she is shy. Any gal would like to marry with well cultured and moral guy like me. Even asking conversion is not so much big deal as Islam is Truth itself. Tell me plz shall I directly approach her parents. And how can I force her to come to some marriagable understanding to be my beautiful young wife? I need her to marry me by 2 months time as I have business trip coming up and would like to make it convenient honeymoon. AS yet she won't even look on my eye, maybe she is going to feel my love if she does so! I own the parcel of land wherein her parents reside. Shall I use this to drive home my point of marriage? Although I don't like to make use of land but this marriage is too important to let pass by at this time and my feelings for her are too much strong. Thank you and may I get married soon Inshallah!
I still love my ex boyfriend
By: emelyxxfamous | 17-11-2007
Okay look, my ex boyfriend and i kissed on Sunday. I personally think he doesn't have feelings for me anymore but the problem is i still like him, he calls me any time he possibly has the chance to call me. I don't know what to do now because i still love him, and plus i kind of cheated on my boyfriend. Help?!!
How can i make her marry me
By: murshid | 17-11-2007
Asalaam all Respected Advisors! I have been working in one company for past 17 years. Lately there has been one young co-worker who has caught my attentions. Every day she is walking past my desk, and I think she is very beautiful girl. We've not held any conversation yet and she's not even looked on my eye or said hello (I think she is shy in her youth) but she does walk past my desk on her way to her office which is next door to mine so I think she must be interested at least somewhat. She is aged 23 while I am aged 48. But for me it's no problem. I haven't approached her yet with marriage proposals as I have not even spoken hi. But if I marry her then I by all means want an Islamic-minded wife. In fact I am very choosy guy. All these years my parents tried this and that to arrange marriage but no girl fits my taste and also I don't fit theirs. I am very good looking guy, little bit balding, slighly paunchy but well fit for my age. I feel I would be great match for any lucky lady! In all this, she appears perfect except for the fact that she is a hindu lady. How can I make her convert and obey the Islam? Also, how can I convince her to marry me in very short time? I would like to wed before two months time. Please say me some great words to use with her. I won't mind her to wear some hijab until she converts but conversion is a MUST. Her youth doesn't bother me in the least. I am very well satisfied and have decided definately to marry her inshallah. Thank you.
How do I tell her?
By: musicismyhothotsex | 15-11-2007
My former best friend is a skank who slept with my husband and broke up my marriage.Another dear friend of mine whom I have known since I was in kindergarten is still friendly with my ex bff via myspace even though she agrees with me that the girl is heinous and should be destroyed.They have only met once in person at my birthday party and I was their only mutual friend.I know it's immature,but where is the loyalty?I never even got so much as an apology from the slut who seduced my husband...now she's seducing my friends!How do I tell my friend it hurts me to see her fraternizing with the enemy?
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