Relationship Resiliency: Two Therapy Principles That Can Transform your Relationship

Is life more manageable because of your partner? Do you ever feel upbeat and rejuvenated after spending time with your spouse? Does a reassuring word from your loved one bring you comfort and peace?

Intimate relationships have the power to make you feel happier, energized and more alive. These experiences stem in part from the emotional connection and closeness you feel with your partner. Because counseling works in a similar fashion, it’s helpful to look at it in this context.

Your relationship might not be so different from therapy:

There are many different forms of psychotherapy, and each therapist has his/her own unique style. This means that if you seek counseling and work with ten different therapists, you will have ten very distinct therapy experiences. Would one type of therapy be more effective than another? Not necessarily, because there is one feature all therapies—and all relationships—share.

Out of all the therapeutic approaches, the most healing experience of therapy arises out of the connection that develops between you and your therapist. While therapists are skilled at nurturing this type of therapeutic connection, the conditions that form this type of bond are not unique to therapy. In fact, you might already act in ways that create this type of bond in your own relationship.

Two ingredients necessary for intimacy and emotional healing:

Therapists create a healing connection by:

1. Showing unconditional acceptance of a client.

2. Communicating an understanding of a client’s deepest struggles.

When these conditions are present, the relationship becomes therapeutic, and healing can take place. Why is this so important? Because we all need acceptance and understanding from another human being. When these vital ingredients are missing from our life, we can’t reach our full potential.

Important parallels exist between your relationship with your partner and the kind of relationship formed in therapy. Unconditional acceptance creates an atmosphere of safety—it allows you to let down your guard and truly be yourself, trusting in the security that you will not be judged or criticized. Once your guard is down and you feel secure, you’re able to become fully authentic and vulnerable with your partner.
It is vital that you and your partner create conditions that allow mutual vulnerabilities to surface. It’s the communication of these shared vulnerabilities and that experience of mutual understanding that allows a meaningful, healing connection to form.

Nurture intimacy by communicating an understanding of your partner’s core vulnerabilities.

We all bring emotional vulnerabilities into our relationships, areas of our psyche where we feel totally raw and unprotected. These core vulnerabilities usually house our deepest hopes and fears, aspirations and longings. Just a hint of criticism is enough for you to quickly cover up and guard these parts of yourself. Our deepest pain occurs in these areas, as well as our most rewarding connections with others.

There’s no denying that your marriage or relationship can lift you to heights you haven’t imagined and drop you to lows that you never dreamed of. When you make unconditional acceptance and understanding a regular part of your relationship, you sow the seeds of intimacy and your marriage enjoys a deep, fulfilling attachment.