Stop Shutting Your Partner Down In Times Of Disagreement

Pushing the issue is like what happens when you squeeze an orange. Squeezing the orange forces the juice that is on the inside to pour out. The same type of thing occurs when you squeeze someone who is already full of hurt and anger. What is on the inside is going to come out and it most likely is going to be messy. So you are better off to wait to discuss hot topics until you are feeling connected to each other again.

Plugging back into your relationship is the goal. Wounded relationships can heal. Every time you and your partner work your way back to the baseline, the relationship grows stronger.

The couple comes to realize what is necessary to return to baseline and they set out to do it. After a while, it becomes a habit. Great partners remember this when they are hurt and frustrated.

She Out Talks Me Every Time

Jim buried his face in his hands as he said, "She out talks me every time. It always ends up my fault somehow". Martha replied with, "I don't know what he's talking about!" "He's the one who is always starting up an argument!"

A once happy couple was locked in a constant battle. They argued "about everything" and never saw things from the same perspective. At night, they slept in separate beds. They fought over who would sleep with their 4-year-old daughter, Alicia. Alicia had become the peacemaker for them but she could not keep Jim and Martha from fussing at each other. Jim and Martha felt bad about how they had involved Alicia but the guilt was not enough to stop them.

Jim and Martha lost sight of the baseline. The hope for their future was soon lost as well. I spoke to them separately after their divorce and they both admitted that they had been petty and foolish.

Unwillingness to apply this principle of returning to the baseline can be spirit breaking for your partner. It leaves them without hope because you have to have it your way. The damage of domination is ultimately a closed heart. This is another example of the self-centered behavior mentioned earlier. In order to become a great partner you must be willing to refrain from old unproductive habits. If you dominate your partner by your desire to have things your way, you risk them avoiding you altogether. They will covertly resent you and you will train them to lie to you because it is just not worth the hassle of putting up with you.

If you cannot achieve conflict resolution then remember that connectedness is what it is all about. Risk is required. You must be willing to meet in the middle. Even if your partner is not making the effort, you must. Do not wait for them. An "I'll do it if you will" approach will not get you any results of greatness. This reflects cowardliness and a lack of commitment on your part. It may reflect hurt and distrust of you on their part. Regardless, strive to meet in the middle. Most couples have a behavior pattern for making up after an argument. What is your pattern? Is it touching toes after a spell of lying at opposite sides of the mattress? It could be saying, "I'm sorry", giving a hug, holding hands, reaching and catching his hand while you walk, any kind of physical connection. Whatever your pattern is, do it!

I recommend that you stick your neck out and be the first to do it, even if you are rejected. If you are rejected, do not push, but come back to it in the near future. Do not worry if this makes you look weak. This is a sign of greatness.

Staying connected sometimes requires that you use some psychology on yourself. An example that can get a lot of mileage is one that I learned from motivation speaker, Og Mandino. Suppose that an angel approaches you and the angel told you that your partner does not know it but they are going to die tonight at midnight. I wonder how you would handle this news. I would imagine that you would incredibly love your partner no matter what. If they were mean or distant, I bet you could stay plugged in. You would not want your last day with them to be one of disconnection.

I like this technique because it demonstrates how your priorities can change rather quickly if you have the right motivation. This creates new and better habits. Projecting this love day after day and the kindness you show them will have an impact.