The Energetics of a Healthy Marriage Relationship

Most of what we know about our relationships we’ve learn from TV, movies or even romance novels. For many women, the idea they will meet their Prince Charming and live happily ever after is something they are brought up believing is true. As a society, we are lead to believe that one day we will meet the man or woman of our dreams, fall in love, get married, have children and live together forever in an idealist world only found in fairy tails. And for a small number of couple this is the case. For the vast majority of us, once the honeymoon is over, what was once thought to be fun, easy and carefree turns into being work, an aspect of a relationship no one really ever considers. Thus instead of addressing the changes that are taking place in our relationship space, where we need to nurture ourselves and our relationship, we instead find ways of diminishing or destroying it.

In a marriage, or any kind of relationship, whether personal or professional, agreements, both spoken and unspoken, are created. For example, at work, we agree to work hard, show up on time and to follow the directives established by the company. In our marriage, we agree to be loving, supportive and faithful. In turn, if someone breaks or violates any of the agreements, we may try to convince ourselves that their bad behavior was ok, but in the end the hurt we experience simply accumulates and over time, we come to the conclusion that enough is enough. Instead of discovering how we can win back our mate’s love an approval, we often times go to our own corner, lick our wounded pride and project an attitude of “I can do it without him” or “I don’t care”.

There is a song sang by Brooks & Dunn called “Husbands & Wives”. If you are not familiar with the song, it goes like this:

Two broken hearts lonely looking houses
Where nobody lives
Two people each having so much pride inside
Neither side forgives

The angry words spoken in haste
Such a waste of two lives
It's my belief pride is the chief cause in the decline
Of the number of husbands and wives.

We are taught that pride is a good thing. We are proud of our country, our football teams, our children and our accomplishments. This is the good aspect of pride. It helps us to identify who we are, what we value and helps us create a balanced sense of self. For many of us, however, pride or should I say ego is also mixed with our need to compare ourselves with others. Am I richer, smarter or even better looking than the people around me? Now granted, there are some that are convinced of their superiority over others, but it isn’t the overt sense of pride we are talking about here, but instead the kind that works to protect us from ourselves and our self-doubt.

In a relationship, pride and ego are the enemy of love. Pride, ego and self-esteem are all important aspects of ourselves…yet too much pride can be a bad thing, especially if it means that my needs, my honor, my values come first. This is especially true when we insist that we are right and are unyielding, regardless of the cost to ourselves and others. In the end, no one gets what they want, and neither party is happy.

Let’s look at a relationship from another perspective – from an energetic perspective. Relationships are about creating a dynamic of give and take or as how many people have heard it described, it should be 50-50. Both parties have to be willing to commit their time and energy into making a relationship work. At first this is easy. When we meet and fall in love, everything is new. It is easy for us to put a great deal of ourselves into the relationship. In addition to wanting to spend time with our new love, we will find ourselves thinking about him or her throughout the day and look forward to the time we will spend together.

This is a normal part of the process. As we get to know our significant other, we enjoy the process of opening and deepening the feelings of mental and emotional closeness. We can see and feel ourselves getting closer to our partner and this is one of the best parts about falling in love.

This state of drawing closer, over time, begins to shift. It changes from big easily acknowledgeable steps closer to smaller, less noticeable ones. To many, this slowdown feels like the forward movement within the relationship has stopped or even as if they are growing apart from their partner. And while they may still love their spouse, they can find themselves feeling as if they are “falling out of love”.

So what has happened. Well first off, the relationship isn’t new anymore. We are no longer easily allured by the new learning’s, the new feelings we experienced when the relationship first started which allowed us to effortlessly pour our energy into the relationship. What happens for most of us, this drive fades away and instead of devoting our attention to our relationship, other things start to claim our attention, our time and our energy, which in the end takes away from the energy dynamics we have with our partner. What we find is instead of it being easy, we now have to make a conscious choice to contribute to the relationship – and this is often where a relationship will fail.

In a healthy relationship our partners need two things from us – our time and our attention. Of the two, our attention is more important. Without paying attention to their wants, needs and desires, we are inadvertently saying to them that they are low on the totem pole. And so even thought we might be spending time with them, this act does not let them know that they are valued in our eyes.

According to an article I read online. It stated that: “Giving time without attention is sort of like leaving a seventeen cent tip at a restaurant... it lets the other person know that you didn't forget, you just didn't think they were worthy of more. It's insulting, whether done consciously, as with the tip, or subconsciously, as with spending time with your significant other without giving them your full attention.”

How do we give our partner attention? We talk to them, we buy them a nice gift, we make them something, we do something with them. Bottom line, we show them through our thoughts and deeds that we are thinking about them, considering them and we have their welfare in mind.

While not fully on point, let me give you an example. Many years ago I had what I considered a very close friend. As customary, we exchanged gifts for Christmas. That year our relationship was very strained. He was spending a lot of his time and energy making hand made crystal rune sets for everyone he knew – well that is except for me. It was my hope I would be given a very very special set of runes for Christmas – especially because of the close relationship we had. Instead, however, he gave me a silver and turquoise bead bracelet with matching earrings. Now don’t get me wrong, it was nice….but to anyone, and I mean anyone who knew me, they could readily see that it was something I would never ever wear.

This experience left me feeling devalued, that he wasn’t thinking about me at all. Through his actions or lack of consideration it really hurt our long standing friendship. And I’m sharing this, because he was just a close friend. Just think about how much more devastating something like this can be when it happens in your relationship with your spouse.

Our mental involvement in our relationships is critical. If we don’t show our mate that we were thinking about them specifically, it loses some if not all of its value in their eyes.

Thankfully, we can all fall in love again. A successful relationship requires that we place our partner ahead of our wants and needs, our likes and dislikes. By doing so, we will find that our partner will respond (that is unless the relationship is too damaged) in turn. This happens when we wake up one day and realize that our partner has fallen from our attention for too long, when we recognize that we need our spouse in our lives or that we want to share our lives with them.

As we begin to put our attention back into our relationship, we can again close the gap that has opened between us and our spouse. This will create feelings of falling in love and help to rekindle the feelings of love that were once shared. It opens the flow of energy from one person to the other and helps to create a state of love and joy within the marriage.

This flow of energy supports us as we let go of the ravages and walls that our ego and pride have constructed. As our heart melts, we can again begin to feel the love that was already and always there. When we feel loved, we feel safe and secure enough to open our hearts and minds to another. It gives us the opportunity to express our essence and share feelings of peace, serenity, happiness, compassion and patience with them. It is then that we can begin to celebrate our union and oneness with another and truly go riding into the sunset and live happily ever after.

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