Tip your Relationship Scale: Put the Positive Back in your Marriage

If you put your ear up against the bedroom door of so many couples today, this is what you might hear:

“Our relationship used to be so much fun. We used to laugh all the time.”
“I know. Now everything seems so serious. We hardly spend any time together anymore, and when we do, we’re either fighting or schlepping the kids somewhere.”

You don’t have to resort to mass eavesdropping to know that so many couples end up in some variation of this highly unpleasant, stuck state. Their relationship, once a sanctuary to life’s burdens, is now a source of distress. These relationships weren’t doomed from the start. In fact, a high percentage of them started off strong. The partners intently listened to one another, demonstrated affection and compassion, affirmed each other’s world view, and were friends as well as lovers. So what happened?

There are many reasons why strong relationships can become anemic. Let’s look at one common reason. And take heart, this one is relatively easy to fix.

How the negatives can quickly outweigh the positives in your relationship

Your mind is constantly making associations and connections. Feelings get linked with certain events and people. Have you ever eaten something rancid? Since that unfortunate, memorable mouthful, you’ve probably cringed every time you thought about the food. Your strong reaction and the spoiled food became linked in your mind. Think about different people in your life for a moment. Doesn’t each person stir up different feelings? A caring friend makes you feel understood and secure while uncle Ted’s trademark genital jokes across the Thanksgiving table make you wish you lived on a different continent.

How does this apply to your relationship?

Let’s look at Frank and Fran—the “every” couple:

In the beginning, Frank and Fran enjoyed romantic dinners, sleeping in late on the weekends, walking their dogs, sharing hopes and dreams, making each other laugh, and supporting one another during stressful times. The positives outnumbered the negatives by a wide margin, causing each to develop positive associations for the other.

Let’s look at Frank and Fran seven years later:

They come home from work exhausted. One of them typically picks up dinner, which is mindlessly consumed as they stare at the plasma screen. Fran hates when, as soon as the food is gone, Frank zips through four hundred channels searching for something he wants to see. To occupy herself, Fran reads a magazine. When they occur, brief discussions about work seem like a formality. Weekends are for paying bills (always a tense event), yard care, food shopping and trips to the dry cleaner. The most fun they have occurs separately: Frank builds birdhouses and Fran plays on a softball league. The positive associations each had for the other have fallen away and new, negative associations are developing.

What is the balance of your relationship?

Many relationships and marriages travel this course. The danger exists because couples do not protect their marriage from the stresses that can consume all relationships. Of course you can’t hide from the stressful realities of life—life happens. But you can take steps to create pockets of time together that will keep the positives alive and well while you both tackle life’s mundane aspects. Balance is the key.

When the scale tips toward the negative (when most of the time spent with your partner involves mainly stressful and mundane activities), sooner or later you will associate your partner with the feelings these activities evoke. Since we avoid people and circumstances that are unpleasant, you may begin pulling away from your partner…without even realizing it.

Make a plan with your partner to nurture the pleasurable, shared activities that already exist and become creative in adding new and exciting ways to enjoy each other’s company. These activities do not have to be expensive, unrealistic or time-consuming. Start small, and keep it simple. Don’t get discouraged if you don’t see immediate results and if at first it feels like you’re throwing all these great intentions down a deep well. The positive to negative scale takes time to re-adjust. The balance you seek was once there in your relationship and you can discover it all over again.