What Makes For A Good Marriage

Ask the question "what makes for a good marriage?" and you're likely to get as many answers as there are ice cream flavors. It's a very subjective topic and those who have good marriages will rattle off the ingredients that they believe have made their union happy and successful; on the other hand, those who are trapped in bad marriages will rattle off ingredients that they WISHED they had.

Sometimes you don't need words to describe what makes for a good marriage. Actions speak louder than words and unless the husband and wife used to be theatrical actors, you could tell, just by sheer gut instinct, if the marriage is happy or not.

A prerequisite for a solid marriage is happiness. Needless to say, if the union isn't happy, the marriage will be iffy at best. Rocky. Tense. But happiness is such an abstract term. What makes one couple happy may make another couple miserable.

Remember success guru Jack Canfield? He was the co-creator of Chicken Soup for the Soul - that famous running bestseller. Don't worry, we're not going to recommend that you make chicken soup a staple in your diet to have a good marriage. We don't claim to be experts at quackery. Chicken soup, humbug!

Actually, Jack Canfield wrote another book called The Success Principles (2005) and in the chapter on human relationships, he cites the words of Dan Sullivan, co-founder and president of The Strategic Coach, Inc: "In every society, there are 'human benchmarks' - certain individuals whose behavior becomes a model for everyone else - shining examples that others admire and emulate. We call these individuals 'class acts.'

What Makes for a Good Marriage? - A Series of Class Acts

According to Jack Canfield, Sullivan describes the qualities of a class act that can serve as a guide not only in different areas of your professional life but in your own marriage as well. Given that these class acts always involve human relationships, making our marriages happy and not short of honesty and integrity would depend on -

• Living by our highest standards - this needs no explanation. The higest standards of conduct are found in the marriage vows we recited in front of hundreds of witnesses. Loyalty and fidelity are commodities not to be taken lightly. They form the foundation of a good marriage. Just because you go through a boring phase in your relationship doesn't mean you can go around and carry on extra-marital affairs

• Maintaining dignity and grace under pressure - marriage is not a walk in the park - not by a long shot. There will be problems, the traditional ups and downs, arguments over the most domestic of domestic issues. This can add to the pressure of the union. If we can deal with emotional chaos intelligently we become a class act. One partner has to remain calm to give the other person hope that things will be all right. As this complementary role becomes a habit, it is easier to do in the later years.

• Focusing and improving the behavior of the other - by being a role model, your spouse will naturally follow your example and as Canfield says, your spouse will begin acting at a level that surprises both themselves and others.

• Operating from a larger, inclusive perspective - it's not the credit card bill or the utility bill that is the culprit. Bills are just the outcomes of lifestyles. If one spouse is a big spender and the other is not, this is good reason for some dialoguing. Our spouses have certain traits that repeatedly annoy us. Instead of walking away in frustration, we take on a class act and open the door of opportunity for some honest communication.

• Increasing the quality of every experience - a class act is said to have occurred when husbands and wives have the ability to transform insignificant situations into enjoyable, stimulating and memorable ones. It's the "stirring the oatmeal" principle all over again. We make the effort to find delight in the ordinariness of life - it's the only way we learn to appreciate what we have instead of trying to emulate the exciting lifestyles of others.

• Avoiding meanness, pettiness and vulgarity - the saying "familiarity breeds contempt" is best illustrated in a marriage. As we get to know our partners more, we are sometimes tempted to belittle them, forgetting that feelings are fragile, and the wrong words could leave a permanent sting. Class acts have no room for pettiness or vulgarity.

What Makes for a Good Marriage - Back to Basics

We often find enchantment in new concepts and fanciful words coined by marriage counselors and psychologists. The arena of marriage is brimming with advice and tips and how-to manuals. Yet, the answer to the question of what makes for a good marriage is often the old-fashioned one, the true and tested. By going back to the basics, we realize that men and women simply need to reinforce their commitment to each other through little gestures that count.

Ingredients for a good marriage run the slew of having a good humor, maintaining ties with the community, mutual encouragement, consistent planning for the future, and a natural curiosity in life. It is true that children and bills could make us somewhat jaded, but if we put that all aside and look to the future with enthusiasm, we turn into pillars of a good marriage.

It may sound awfully corny if we said that we'd have more good marriages than bad if couples loved more, shared more, and communicated more. These are the old fashioned paradigms that we should live by. Bringing out the best in our spouse is a sure recipe for a successful marriage. One spouse cannot overdo the other. The euphoria of accomplishment must be equally shared and not suffocate the other.

Husband: Jill has always been an ambitious person, anxious to learn new things and explore the world. When we got married I told her I wouldn't stand in the way of her aspirations and that I would support her wholeheartedly. I have allowed her to grow and develop on her own, and because she has this freedom, she doesn't encroach in my own playing field. We do our own thing and at the end of the day we come home and talk about how our day went. I guess not having children helped me to keep that promise of non-interference.

Wife: Lawrence has not once made a disparaging remark about my hobbies and undertakings. We've found a comfortable zone where we each could grow and develop. I mind my business, he minds his. I didn't think I could have such an easy, low maintenance relationship with Lawrence. Through our hands-off policy in our own hopes and dreams, we've in fact strengthened our marriage hands on!

If you're really curious about what makes for a good marriage, don't conduct a survey; instead look around you and smell the coffee. Watch out for that sparkle in their eyes when they're with you. Observe how they play with each other's ear, and monitor their spontaneity when they're in the company of others.
Are their smiles pregnant with meaning? Do they laugh at each other's jokes? Do you notice how much admiration for the other goes around?

You be the judge!