Why are Some Men Unkind to Their Families?

WHY ARE SOME MEN UNKIND TO THEIR FAMILIES? by Eva Fry,

I am not talking about the abusive bully or the man with a character flaw, who possesses no compassion, is beyond feeling and has no conscience.

I am talking about the frustrated man who yells at this family, makes great demands on them, seems always angry and frustrated.

This unhappy man is often the product of stress. His actions are the reactions of trying to provide for his family, in an uncaring world that often demands more than he can give. He often feels that his efforts are not recognized and that there is no reward for doing his best.

For a wife to live with this troubled man is very difficult. All she sees is the consequence of his unappreciated attempts to make it in the world. His frustrations and anger are often taken out on his family. Why? Because his home is the only place he can get away with it. The only place he can vent his feelings and try to get rid of some the pressure he feels. Home is the only place he hopes to be understood.

For this man, an understanding wife is the best gift he can have. To be able to come home to a wife who loves him. Doesn’t judge him. Accepts him even when he’s unkind and allows him to vent his feelings, even when it’s unfair, is probably the kindest thing anyone can do for him.

Some women are unable to do this and it is understandable. The problem we have is, the frustrated man comes home from work wanting peace, a safe haven from the world and no new problems. He is up tight. His nerves are shot and little things will bug him, like seeing the kid’s bikes carelessly lying in the driveway. This makes him angry because it just adds to the pressure he already feels, so he yells at the kids. Or, he notices that his wife didn’t do something he asked her to do. It doesn’t matter that maybe she had a hard day too. He interprets this as her not caring for him, helping him, or understanding that he needs help. Exasperated he starts yelling at her too. He is at the end of his rope and believes those who should care are not considerate of him.

She in turn thinks. “How can he treat me that way?” Why doesn’t he understand what I have been through this day? Why doesn’t he ever see all that I do? Why does he only see what I don’t do?

So she in turn gets angry back with him or punishes him in other ways. She turns herself away from him. She stops talking to him. Chooses to not do things for him, because he doesn’t understand her. She feels sorry for herself and becomes depressed. Etc, Etc, Etc.

There is no understanding on either side. The worst part is that when we feel abused or neglected we tend for forget the good parts of our mate. We only see the bad. We only see our partner’s flaws and mistakes. We tend to forget our own mistakes.

We each want perfection from our mate when we are not perfect!

To make an analogy: If your young son went to school and was made fun of, by the other kids, was misunderstood by the teacher, found school hard and didn’t get the help he needed. He is really hurting. He comes home angry and wants to fight with his siblings, gets sent to his room, for being a brat. He feels that no one, at home, loves or understands him either and he just gets more angry and frustrated.

We need to understand the cause of our loved ones actions. Every action has a cause! We very seldom take the time to fine the cause. To understand the cause and to do what we can to help eliminate or at lease understand the cause is what we should do. Instead we react to their actions, not realizing “their actions are the result of a cause”. We need to love them enough to understand them.

To be an understanding wife, when her husband is acting out, is difficult because she tends to take his actions toward her as abuse. It is, but she fails to recognize the reasons for why he acts as he does. She needs to understand the cause. To allow him to vent when he needs to.

She needs to understand what it like for a man out there in the world, The world of men working with men! Most men put great demands on each other. Most have little compassion for other men. Often, they gain great joy if they can put another man down. Even destroy him if they can. Teasing is one of the greatest joys men do to other men, usually in an unkind way. Many men have no consideration for another man’s feelings. If a man can point out another mans flaw; it gives the abuser a sense of pride and makes him feel that he is better than he really is. Many men have large egos gained from stomping on other men. Most men do not build each other up, they tear each other down and are not always aware they are doing it. It is just tradition passed down from man to man. They do not give compliments, they try to embarrass and insult each other. They were often raised with unfeeling and unkind fathers or no father at all and grew up in a world of unkind men. They in turn, to survive, take on the characteristics of other flawed men because they believe this is how a man should act. They believe they must be strong. This is being masculine. This is being a man1

The other thing about a man, some women don’t always understand, is how difficult it is to make a living today. There are enormous demands put on them to perform. The fear of failure or of being fired is a tremendous stress. The expectations put on men by themselves or their family members expectations, is breaking. To provide nice homes, nice cars and all the extras – like music lessons etc is overwhelming to most men. To know that so much is expected of them and to know that they may not possess the abilities to live up to all those expectations is very hard on them.

To be an understanding wife to this frustrated man is very difficult, but so important. To not take the actions of her husband toward her, “ personally”, is extremely difficult. If she can try to recognize the cause and realize that she is not the reason for his actions can be very helpful to her. Because she will have a greater understanding for what is going on. If she can even learn to endure the abuse and not pass it on is the best thing she can do. To be kind, to him, when he is not being kind is the greatest gift she can give to him. Even when it seems he doesn’t deserve it. It has been said, “He who is most unloving, needs love the most!”

Most women lack this ability. They want to fight back and think “It’s not fair” To think, “He’s abusing me!” “I don’t deserve this.” Rather than being a safe haven for their man, they add to the pressure. They pay him back. They abuse in their own way. They yell back, argue or turn themselves off and quite talking to him.

I am not saying women should be a door mate or accept any kind of abuse. But being able to withstand unkindness because someone is hurting inside and to not take it personal is the healthiest thing she can do for herself and for her mate.

I have directed these suggestions to women but the same ideas are how men should treat their women. They should show the same kindness and understanding toward their wives.

Also, I know there are many women out there in the world trying to survive too, and in our world today women now facing the same stress’s as men.

I offer encouragement to you. I have discovered; “after the trials come the blessings.” I encourage you to give these thoughts a try. You may find that, one day, your husband or mate will say, “thank you for sticking by me. Thank you for being there for me.” You may also discover that your love has grown. It is possible that you marriage will become the one you always hoped for. It happened that way for me.

These are things I have learned from being a wife of over 47 years.