Why Second Marriages are More Likely to Fail: Second Marriage Pitfall #4

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” Right? The same age-old wisdom that encourages so many of us to get back on our bikes (or horses or surfboards) over and over again in search of perfection should work like a charm when it comes to marriage, too. Shouldn’t it? Yet many people are surprised to find out that second marriages are more likely to end in divorce. Irving, a fifty-four-year old real estate broker from Austin, Texas said, “You’d think the second time around would be easier, that I’d be better prepared. Being divorced once was hard enough. I never thought it would happen all over again.”

When first marriages fail, many people feel that time, precious time, has been wasted and an opportunity for ever-lasting happiness has been lost. After all, wasn’t the desire for happiness why you decided to marry in the first place?

Understandably, the painful experience of divorce can change your attitude about marriage. It changed Irving’s. The ten years he dedicated to his first marriage now felt like years that could never be reclaimed. His altered mindset negatively shaped his second marriage: “It happened once and it could happen again. I’m not going to waste another ten years waiting to find out this time.”

Since his first divorce, Irving became overly aware of his age and the passage of time. While his second marriage proceeded smoothly, time wasn’t an issue. He enjoyed the worry-free days with his new wife and felt stable, secure and relaxed. But when he and his partner fought (like all couples do), his perspective shifted dramatically. Each argument left him wondering about the number of “good years” he’d have left to meet a new companion. He’d think, “I’d rather end it now and begin looking for someone else sooner rather than later. Why wait until I’m sixty-five?”

Irving struggled with a mindset many people bring to their second marriages:

Pitfall #4: “Are you the one? I need to know before it’s too late!”

Despite that pressured attitude, Irving entered his second marriage determined to make it work. Unfortunately, he also entered his second marriage with a focus on an escape-hatch he had ready and waiting—after all, the clock was ticking. This mindset had a powerful effect and decreased his level of commitment, especially when he and his second wife encountered the usual bumps in the road.

Look for and challenge this mindset

Ask yourself the following questions:

Does the following statement resonate for you?: “I’m not going to waste time the second time around to find out this isn’t working.”

What are the benefits of such a mindset? What are the pitfalls?

When is this mindset most prominent in your second (or third) marriage?

What impact does this have on your level of commitment? On your ability to work out differences with your spouse?

As with overcoming any potentially destructive attitude, awareness is key. A little self-examination can go a long way in helping you overcome the pitfalls of the “hurry up and fail, or hurry up and succeed” trap.