Vasectomy or not Vasectomy? That is the Question

My wife and I have just had our second child, which is a bloody miracle in itself because our first child, a wonderful 8 year old boy by the name of Joe was born after 5 attempts of IVF…the latest one however was a natural conception. I already love her to death but we are both sure we don’t want any others so like all responsible, mature adults; we discussed future contraception, which by the way, is completely new to me. I would go as far to say that during our 24 years of marriage I have never worn a condom because of the fertility issues we had. I always imagined it would be like taking a bath whilst still wearing a pair of socks…you know, not completely natural. In the early days of our marriage, when we were at it like rabbits, my wife took oral contraception but after we discovered the fertility issues, we never bothered again.

Anyway, even before our lovely daughter was born, my wife informed me that she had decided our future contraception method and ‘we’ decided that I was going to have a vasectomy. I was not asked if I would LIKE TO CONSIDER IT…no I was bloody well told!

Now I never knew this but before you can have the ‘snip’, our wonderful national health service make an appointment for you to go and take some counselling with a local GP to take you through the pros and cons of the procedure. In all honesty, I could not see any pros in having a six inch needle inserted into my testicles but I was told I must go along and discuss them. Believe it or not, during our cosy fireside chat, the pros didn’t take long to discuss.

Of course before the counselling, my wife took great merriment in telling all her friends that I was going to be neutered and during the last couple of weeks during school drop off time, the school playground has given all of her girlfriend’s a wonderful opportunity to give me a huge amount of support and encouragement about my forthcoming ‘major operation’...and if you believe that you will believe anything. They are loving it, I can hear them and see them, every time I approach them, they laugh and joke about my pending procedure.

I wish I could say that my male friends have been more supportive but, yes you guessed it, they think it is bloody hilarious! And of course everybody who has had the operation has to tell you about their experience. You cannot believe the conflicting stories I have heard. Somebody will tell you that they ran a half marathon the following day while another will tell you he had balls the size of water melons for a month and could not even walk up the stairs. Why should it vary so much, for goodness sake, the operation is the same for everybody, isn’t it? Surely there isn’t some crazed doctor who thinks it’s the pole vault before launching a six inch needle into your balls after completing a 30 metre run up!

So I went to see the GP and he went thru his talk and you know what, the smile never left his face while he was delivering his memories of operations past and he loved telling me about the men who left his surgery in tears or hobbling or even on stretchers through either fainting or because of the agony they were in. He even advised me to not drive after the vasectomy. So I told him “No worries doc, I only live half a mile down the road so I will more than likely cycle here and back”. For that small moment the huge smirk that had been radiating across his face actually disappeared.

My GP also informed me that my testicles could be considerably swollen and black through bruising after the operation…I think this was the only pro I heard during our 30 minutes together! I’m telling you that if they are, it will be the proudest day of my life as I stand there in the showers at my club. I can see it now…my pals will be saying “Come on Dave, you coming in the bar for a pint?” And I will reply “Nope, I think I will just stand here for another ½ hour or so…and let more people see my lovely large…black testicles if you don’t mind. Get me one in; I’ll be there as soon as the last player has had his shower!”

I digress. So the doctor showed me to the surgery couch and pulled the curtain around me. However before he disappeared (still smirking), he said, “drop your trousers and pants and lie on the couch”. So I pulled down my trousers and pants, stood there, leaning against the couch, not lying on it, just standing there…fully exposed…and I thought hello little fella, it is quite cold in here isn’t it. So I man-handled myself to make sure I was of a ‘regular’ length and I stood there facing the curtain, leaning against the couch, trying to look dead cool. Difficult to do when you are fully exposing yourself! So I’m standing there and I can hear him washing his hands behind the screen…and then I start thinking to myself…did he really say pull your trousers and pants down? What if he really said, “It’s a nice day outside but a bit breezy”? I know it doesn’t sound anything like pull your trousers and pants down but at that stage and in that predicament you kind of lose all sense of communication and understanding. So I’m starting to get a little nervous and I’m thinking about pulling my garments up quickly just in case and as the sweat is gathering on my forehead the GP pulls the curtain back to see me standing there looking all cool and nonchalant with my ankles crossed and my trousers and pants at half mast around my knees. He was still smirking but thankfully I had heard him correctly but the only thing I had forgotten was to lie on the bed.

So then he proceeds to starts to feel my testicles to make sure that the vas deferens tube is ‘OK’ for the operation to be completed. It has been a fact of my life that the only male who has ever felt my testicles is…ME! To have another male feel your private parts is not up there with ‘fifty things to do before you die’ and is most definitely NOT the most enjoyable experience I have ever had. Most males (approximately 90%) will more than likely agree with me on this!

And you know…the GP still continued to smile. I’m sorry but the thought of touching another man’s testicles would take the smile off my face even if I had just won the National Lottery five minutes before! Never mind me going to wash my hands like my GP had 2 minutes before, I would insist that the patient would have to scrub his tackle red raw in a bowl of disinfectant before I even thought about touching them…and even then I would probably be wearing industrial strength welders gloves.

So the net result of my visit?

1. My vas deferens is (are) fine (still not sure if I have one or two of them…before my visit to the surgery I thought vas deferens was a Dutch heavy rock tribute band similar to Van Halen.
2. The ‘major operation’ is booked for early December but I have a feeling it might be delayed until the New Year…especially if I have anything to do with it
3. I know every potential eventuality and outcome of the operation ranging from swollen testicles for the rest of my life to doing a bungee jump from the top of the Bullring Rotunda building the same afternoon.

A couple of side notes…

I have been informed that a vasectomy has no effect on your sex drive or does not detract from your ability to enjoy sex. However a female work colleague of mine who is in her mid forties and has been married for 20 plus years told me that her husband’s sex-drive suffered as a result of the operation. I thought to myself ‘what a cow saying that just as I’m about to go and have my counselling’, so my parting shot to her was

“It had nothing to do with the operation, it’s just that he no longer fancies you and if he is going to have to sustain his erection he has to think about the next door neighbour or take something to maintain his arousal!”

That’ll her teach her.

And finally, following my counselling a friend asked me “How long does the operation take?” After giving it considerable thought I informed him

“About 4 days – that’s how long it will take them to find me after I see that needle coming towards my testes!”

Wish me luck…