Child Focused New Year's Resolutions for Separated and Divorced Parents

'Tis the time for New Year's resolutions, our perennial effort to improve ourselves, correct our errant ways and remake ourselves in our own best image. If you are a parent struggling with separation or divorce, consider making your primary 2009 New Year's Resolution a renewed commitment to your child's emotional wellbeing. Do what it takes to improve the quality of your parenting relationship by bettering your communication and interaction with your ex. Resolve to love and support your children by treating your ex with courtesy and respect, and by continually striving to be the superior parent. Love your child more than you may dislike the other parent.

When parents separate or divorce, everyone suffers; but children suffer most. The two people they love most in the world no longer love each other. It makes children anxious. They wonder if their parents will stop loving them. Separation and divorce tear apart a child's world, but parents who put their children first can minimize the effects on their children. By approaching separation or divorce as a collaborative process that will lead to a better life for the entire family, parents can restore their children's trust and happiness and reassure their children of both parents' love.

This New Year's vow to put your children first and resolve to:

1. Avoid playing the blame game. Don't blame your ex for the divorce, for lack of money, or for the loss of your home or possessions. Your problems with your spouse are adult issues that shouldn't be aired in front of the children. Don't use the blame game to drive a wedge between your children and your spouse. Your children deserve the love of both parents.

2. Respect your spouse. Children are not a bargaining chip. Do not use your children to put pressure your spouse. Your spouse is equally entitled to enjoy a close personal relationship with the children. Focus on what your children need, not on your own hurt. And remember that your spouse is hurting too. Try to see things from your spouse's perspective.

3. Respect your child. Never use your children to spy on your spouse or deliver messages. Any issues you have with your spouse are adult problems; deal with them yourself. Never threaten to deny your child access to the other parent as punishment. Your children deserve the unconditional love and support of both parents.

4. Tell your child you love him. During separation or divorce, children need constant reassurance that you love them. If you become angry with your child, tell him you love him, then focus your comments on the undesirable action, not the child.

5. Keep your promises. Divorce and separation shatter a child's trust. Keeping your promises to your child slowly rebuilds the bond that lets your child know he can count on you.

6. Focus on the future. Accept the life changes that separation or divorce bring and look upon it as an opportunity to create a better, happier life. Be realistic; don't encourage reunion fantasies. Waiting for something that will never happen prevents your child from moving forward. As you embrace your new life, your children will be empowered by the positive changes they observe.

Even if separated or divorced, you and your spouse will always share the goal of raising happy, healthy, well-adjusted children. Keep that goal firmly in mind as you embrace the New Year.