Meeting Women: Does Failure to Deploy Hurt More Than Her Potential Rejection

Okay, guys. Consider this scenario. You are going about your life minding your own business when all of the sudden…she appears. Before you is a woman who stuns you with her beauty, her grace, her femininity. She has the whole package working. The stars are aligned this day and you begin a conversation with her. She smiles and appears to be enjoying the interaction. After a couple of minutes, the window of opportunity draws to a close. You say…”Well, it was nice knowing you…I need to be going.” She looks at you with a nearly imperceptible quizzical expression. “Uh…okay…C’ya.” She replies.

And she’s GONE. FOREVER.

Ladies, has this ever happened to you? Were you wondering why this guy would even strike up a conversation if he wasn’t even interested in you? Were you left completely flabbergasted as to what you could possibly have done to have messed it up? I mean, come on…WHY DIDN’T HE GET YOUR PHONE NUMBER?

Well, ladies, no worries…you likely didn’t do anything in particular to turn the guy off. In fact, the likelihood is quite the opposite.

Guys, what you have done in such a case is the pickup-stage rendition of what we call “Failure To Deploy” around here. You straight up didn’t SHOW up. The chance was there, and you did not take it. This famously is also known to happen when the woman is expecting the first kiss and you don’t make it happen.

But what we are addressing today could be even more potentially damaging to a man’s frame of mind than the classic first-date fizzle.

The other day I was talking to someone who was able to relate to me in clear detail exactly such a situation. He walked into an elevator and was met by the most amazing woman he had seen in ages. Lo and behold, she smiled and they started talking. After the 30-second elevator ride, the door opened and he walked out of her life…permanently. He had sensed she was interested and yet didn’t ask for a way to contact her later.

That was ten years ago.

Next, my friend was able to share a similar story with equal precision. The second event had happened four years ago.

When asked why in the world he wouldn’t get her e-mail or the phone number either time, his response was simple: “I wasn’t ready to deal with rejection.” Interestingly, he had a bit of a sense in both cases that the woman was responding positively to him. But without an overt invitation (read: “2x4 upside the head”) the mere shred of possibility (even vis-à-vis improbability) that she was “just toying with him” was too hard to overcome on the spot.

“Tell me something”, I asked him, “when was the last time you were actually, really ‘rejected’ by a woman?”

“Hmm…you know, I can’t remember exactly.”

“Yet, you can remember in living color lurid details from when you knew you should have asked for her number, but didn’t do so?”

“Exactly.”

That’s when it hit me. Despite being less than “ready to deal with rejection”, he had been forced to deal with rejection nonetheless. Not rejection by a woman, but rejection on the woman’s behalf by HIMSELF.

Had the woman flatly rejected him, he would have been able to find some solace in the fact that he stepped up and took advantage of the opportunity like a man. In the albeit unlikely event that she had indeed rejected him, he might have been able to “chalk that one up to the game”, perhaps even perceiving that he in fact saved himself the grief of potentially befriending a woman who is sends mixed messages. Whatever.

But the actual outcome, though designed as a protection mechanism, was actually far more painful. Some overprotective voice in his own head decided to insulate his “inner child” from harm without the benefit of seeing what reality had in store. Indeed…he had disqualified HIMSELF from being interesting to the woman. That means that the person who has rejected him is with him always…at the very core. And worse…that voice of rejection doesn’t hold him in high enough esteem to believe that any woman could really like him.

And that, my friends, is how we as guys end up setting ourselves back even further even as we believe we’re “protecting” ourselves from pain. And yes, ladies--guys do this sort of thing constantly.

So, guys, what is your response to this? Do you see this dynamic happening in your own life? Most of us do, shockingly enough, at some point or another. Now that you can identify the issue and its inner-workings have been exposed, can you open yourself to becoming more comfortable with a woman’s subtle signs of interest in you? And if so, can you believe that sacking-up and giving the woman first right of refusal is far preferable to rejecting yourself on her behalf? Most importantly, can your true self-image win over that overprotective voice?

Keep these concepts at the forefront of your conscious mind and never “fail to deploy” again. Instead, watch the circle of terrific women you are acquainted with increase dramatically.