How to be more assertive

How to be more assertive  

There are many words that the dictionary associates with assertiveness. Some of the words are: Assured, Bold, Confident, Certain, Decisive. An interesting note in the dictionary is “authoritarian is tyrannical while authoritative is respectful.”

Being assertive in about recognizing one’s strength and being able to communicate these strengths. It is about knowing where you stand and not compromising. Truly assertive people do not fear what others think of them . The benefit of being assertive (as opposed to an intolerable authoritarian) is one’s ability to be approachable and respectful. Assertive behaviour is not defensive nor bullying, rather, it allows one to respect oneself and allows one to respect those they are interacting with.

The interesting thing about an assertive person is that they have spent the time to reflect and know their true thought, feelings and opinion about what honors their lives; and because they see the importance of being true to one’s self, they respect what is important to others.

Like most skills, assertiveness is a skilled that is learned. Here are some useful tips in becoming assertive and not authoritarian:

• Know thyself: Establish unselfish practices that allow you to question and understand the true motivations for your behaviour. Make changes and acknowledge that this is a life long process.

• Have Healthy Boundaries: Once you know what works for you and what doesn’t, it is important to communicate your boundaries decisively. Whether someone agrees with you or likes you for it; is not your goal. Your goal is to be able to live your best life without being swayed by people pleasing.

• If it doesn’t work for you, say No, thank you.

• Do not assume: When interacting with others, it is necessary that you understand where they are coming from. This requires that regardless of whether you agree or not, that you let the person express themselves without interruption and when it’s you time to speak, make sure that you are clear, specific and uninterrupted

• Let the good in and let go of all that harms: it is about taking small but significant steps; but it is also important to identify the people/situations that contribute to your well being and those that take away from it. A simple test is to allow yourself to think of spending time with that person or in that situation. Are you excited or not? Why or why not? If changes need to be made: What changes need to be made for you to be able to enjoy yourself in these situations? Is there a need for a conversation about the need for changes or is this a relationship that should be let go of?

• Be gracious: with yourself and others. Remember you are learning a skill and it might feel unnatural, taking you out of your comfort zone. Remember you are taking a positive step in your personal growth.

One of my favourite assertive tools is a quote by Elaine Cannon, "There are two important days in a person's life: the day we were born, and the day we find out why."