I couldn't sleep last night, I went to bed early,and like an automatic internal alarm, I awoke at 1158pm. 2minutes to spare and the 17th would be here. The dreaded god awful number 17. The day a piece of my heart traveled from this world on to the next.
I lay awake and cry, and laughed,laughed and cried-thinking about how many pizza's we must have ordered, how many wide egg noodles we boiled. How many miles we walked, and rode Metro. How many hours we watched "fluff" on tv. How many hours we talked. And I came to the conclusion-not enough.
I started thinking numbers-she would have been 72 tomorrow. 7+2=9. She was born in 1936. 6+3=9. Odd. She was 71. She died on the 17th. I think too much.
I rummage through some of her personal belongings-I pull out the Bible-I beg for something to pop out and comfort me. I flip like a madwoman through the pages-checking each post it-looking for soemthing that she underlined. I find a post-it with Matthew. I read Matthew 22. She was a chosen one-she loved her neighbors as herself. She loved God. I flip some more, and aha something she underlined-I John-"greater is He that is in you than He that is in the world" ---------------------- 7Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son[a] into the world that we might live through him. 10This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for[b] our sins. 11Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
13We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. 14And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. 16And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 17In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. 18There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
19We love because he first loved us. 20If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. 21And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.
1 John 5
I think it so strange that Ty's (eulogy) remembrance of Yaya was love. Yaya=Love, a simple true equation.
I am sad,heartbroken, grief stricken, but I know-she is at peace-something she never truly experienced in this life. I am at peace, because as my Daddy told me "Yaya's ok" and it sinks in-yeah,she is.
So I take my medicine, clutch the rosary with her birthstone close,lay my head on her pillow-fall asleep.
I sit here knowing this to be one of the hardest days of my life-to have to think-watch the clock,and think-what time,what place,etc... Emotions are raw. I want to crawl in, under the bed. I can't. The sun is shining-Why??? She isn't here to feel its warmth.
I will try my best to muddle through the day-I keep the online Bible on my screen-ready to view,as the need arises. My heart physically hurts-perhaps the miracle of the mind/body experience.
Today, I am solemn, I grieve, I remember. Tomorrow, I will celebrate-I have promised the kids we will send balloons to Heaven. I will look forward to tomorrow, and remember what would have been my Angel's 72nd year on earth.
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