A Primate of Fear

Discrimination is abhorrent in any form. I would never judge a person purely on their looks; I’ve copped off with many a minger.

If a person is victimised on the grounds of race, sexual orientation or religious beliefs, condemnation is rightfully swift; yet poking fun at people with amusingly coloured hair appears to be tolerated.

I have a dream that one day all gingers will be free from oppression. When Paul Scholes and Steve Sidwell shake hands at Old Trafford, my utopian vision will be one step closer to becoming a reality.

The result of the match is insignificant; it’s all about acceptance for our sun-fearing brothers. I will be getting on Manchester United to beat Reading at 1/3, but I’ll be going in gingerly.

Thierry Henry could learn a lot from Ronaldo. Where the skinny winger will tumble with grace and elegance at the mere hint of a challenge, the Frenchman attempts the far more difficult flailing-armed ‘bag of potatoes’ manoeuvre, without an opponent in a 45 yard radius. It’s back to the training ground for the great man. I’m head over heels about an Arsenal win over Blackburn at 4/9.

Jonathan Woodgate has suffered yet another injury. The jinxed defender has been sidelined with a tight hamstring; he probably picked it up in Scotland. Middlesbrough receive the nod at home to West Brom at a rickety 4/5.

My cash was also down on the Boro in midweek. When Yakubu fluffed that penalty, I actually screamed like the wife when she gave birth to Goliath. The evil one still has unhappy memories of that day; he was delivered during opening hours. The Yak remains a quality animal, he’ll score the first goal at 9/2.

Little Goliath is definitely his mother’s son. He gave me two choices; I could either buy him a pet monkey, or he’d tell his mom about my special ‘friendship’ with her sister. ‘Bubbles’ has set me back a small fortune. I intend to recoup a portion by backing Chelsea at 1/7 to see off Norwich.

For some reason, Bubbles goes absolutely ballistic if Goliath watches Soccer AM. Last Saturday, I had to spank him three times while Helen Chamberlain was on screen. Norwich could well be on the end of a spanking at the Bridge; the champions can net four or more goals at 15/8.

You have to like Ian Holloway. The jovial nutcase once compared a scrappy win to pulling an ugly bird; and was kind enough not to mention the wife by name. Derby will end Plymouth’s run at 8/5.

Watford are definitely improving, but I can’t fancy them at ‘odds on’ against a competent Ipswich. Like David Cameron in college, I’m going to get stuck into the draw at 5/2.

Tottenham are like the wife’s sister on a Wednesday afternoon, they’re in the middle of a sticky patch. The 17/10 for a Fulham win over Spurs stands out like Martin Jol’s lower jaw.

Most people have been involved in the odd incident that they regret; I should never have raised my hands to that monkey. Joey Barton’s list of previous includes a holiday rumble, a far from enchanting full moon and a controversial take on cigar disposal. Preston are smoking in the Championship; they can extinguish Manchester City’s FA cup dream at 17/10.

Barton allegedly waved his middle finger in the direction of Pompey fans last week, presumably answering the ‘How many brothers have you got in prison’ question. I fancy Preston to sneak this 1-0; I’m all over the 7/1 like a Manchester City player on Pedro Mendes.

Using only the weekend accer as a character guide, a representative of PETA has cleared me of any wrongdoing in regard to my monkey training. I’d like to thank the former Celtic man for this generous gesture. Chelsea, Middlesbrough, Preston and Fulham are the selections, the payout is a beastly 11/1.