I’ve really enjoyed the festive break. Unlike the majority of my contemporaries, I resisted the temptation to get drunk every night; on Christmas Day, I collapsed at lunchtime.
Frank Lampard is also a fan of the occasional swift one. A Spanish chauffeuse has alleged that the Chelsea man ‘took a while to finish’ as a result of a champagne binge; I just hope his shooting was less erratic than in the Premiership.
A bad week is about to get worse for the chubby midfielder. The champions have been leaking goals since John Terry stole my patented ‘I can’t come to work today, i’ve got a bad back’ line; a Fulham win at the Bridge is simply too big at 20/1.
I refuse to waste money on a breathalyzer kit; I find the ‘how big is the girl i’m considering sleeping with’ test a far more accurate guide to intoxication. I may have been paraletic when I met the wife; but it’s in relative sobriety that I suggest a bet on Tottenham at 7/4 to see off Liverpool.
Losses are like a Spanish driver, you should never chase them after a couple of beers. Newcastle have cost me a small fortune in recent weeks; I’m fighting the temptation to lump on Everton at a beguiling 6/5.
I must congratulate the Toffeemen on the surprise result of the season, a Jose Mourinho apology was trading at 100/1 on the exchanges. It’s pretty much accepted now that Andy Johnson does not go down, a policy I wholeheartedly agree with. AJ can open the scoring at an upstanding 5/1.
The loss of Henri Camara would be a blow under normal circumstances, but when it leaves Emile Heskey leading the line, it’s bordering on a catastrophe. Watford can shock the Latics at 17/10.
I tend to think of myself as a role-model; plenty of women have looked up to me. I like my first goalscorers like I like my women; Young. Ashley can bang in the first goal at an ample 17/2.
I’ve always been a fan of Eskimo culture. I doubt that there’s any truth in the myth that they used to cast out their elderly, but I remain a massive supporter of the concept. Sir Alex officially becomes a pensioner on New Years Eve, three points against Reading at 1/5 will be a welcome gift.
Charlton haven’t found the net in any of their last four meetings with Aston Villa; and that’s when they were half decent. At the time of writing, Charlton were on their third manager of the season; the Villa can ask the Charlton board another question at 13/8.
I’m a definite optimist. If a pint glass is half full of lager, I don’t think of it as half empty; I just pinch it. Alcohol theft is not cool, backing Bolton at evens to beat Pompey undoubtedly is.
Manchester City will struggle to score at Upton Park. Anton Ferdinand will literally have Dickov in his pocket, Samaras looks out of his depth and Vassell only scores against the Villa. The Hammers are nailed on at 5/4.
Blackburn have announced that Robbie Savage has been tied up in a 'golden handcuffs' deal. To my deep and sincere regret, that’s only a metaphor. The even money about a Rovers win over Boro will soften the blow.
Would it be overdramatic to claim that Cesc Fabregas is potentially the Premiership’s greatest ever player? It would be if you bellowed it out while frantically waving your arms. You’ll be shrieking like Frank Lampard’s new driver if you miss out on Arsenal at 8/15 at Bramall Lane.
This week’s accer is so easy, it’s going to oblige with or without a bottle of bubbly. Aston Villa, Blackburn, Bolton and Everton are the sure-fire selections, the payout is a sparkling 20/1.
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