Anger Management for Parents – Learning to Control Your Emotions

How does one keep calm when parenting? After 15 years of counseling, I have found that no matter what parenting strategies are applied, keeping emotionally balanced is key to family mental health. Anger management, for example, provides parents the calm that they need to make better parenting choices and avoid creating family crises. Angry outbursts can rupture family relationships that matter most. A parent’s influence over his child is only as good as their relationship. So although some emotional crises can be repaired, why repair them when they can be avoided. Emotional change only occurs through a conscious effort focused on the way we think and the way we behave.

To help gain control of your anger, follow these ten steps:

1. Take responsibility for your actions. Feelings do not justify behavior. For example, anger does not automatically equal yelling. Sadness does not necessarily equal withdrawal. Our feelings should not dictate behavior. Next time you feel angry, stressed or depressed, choose a less invasive behavior.
2. Be aware of the ways in which you instantaneously react to your child. Over a lifetime, you have created patterns that dictate the ways in which you respond to certain situations. In order to change them, you need to become aware of those patterns. There are many visual reminders you can use to awaken yourself when you are falling into old patterns like wearing a special ring or putting stickers around your house. Awareness leads to the ability to change.
3. Stop before you act. We move at the speed of light! Our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are automatic. The “stop” technique is a great tool that can put a halt to negative responses. Literally saying “stop” interrupts your pattern of behavior and gives you time to think and do something differently. Do this repeatedly and form a new pattern!
4. Replace negative thinking and behavior with something new. Instead of attacking when angry, try sitting down and breathing calmly. Instead of running when frightened, try standing your ground. Over time, the negative responses will decrease as you create new patterns.
5. Take a deep breath! Yes, it’s true. Breathing brings oxygen to the brain, which, in turn, tells the body it’s safe. Deep, slow breathing mimics the body’s resting state. As you control your breathing, you bring calm to yourself. By taking 10 deep breaths when upset, you can think more clearly.
6. Stay in the present. Whether you lament the past or worry about the future, learning to cope in the here and now is essential. Worries about the past or the future can derail parents from dealing with their children. We can really only control the present. It deserves our best energy.
7. Speak for yourself. Remember that the “I feel” statement is more than counselor speak! It keeps YOU in control. Blaming others for your feelings by saying, “You make me feel angry,” is like handing them your emotional reins.
8. Get perspective on situations over which you have little control. Weigh the intensity of your feelings against your power in a situation. In parenting, for example, we might feel irritated over our children’s grades. Our irritation may be high but our power over the situation may be low. The disparity is a misuse of emotional energy. Evaluating your power to bring about change can help prioritize action and eliminate some concerns.
9. Ask for help. Managing your emotions isn’t easy. Sometimes parents need individual help. Hiring a family therapist is an excellent way to receive assistance designed just for you. Whether it is a one-time consultation or ongoing counseling, the pay-off can be big.
10. Reach out for resources. If you have a parenting book by your bedside, an audio-class on your MP3 or CD player, and a top 10 list stuck to your refrigerator, then change is close at hand!

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