Au Pairs and Host Families - Great Expectations

Au pairs have great expectations when they come to America.  However, many au pairs sign up for their cultural exchange year abroad with very different expectations compared to American host family's expectations.  This difference between host family and au pair expectations can lead to rematches, au pairs leaving families in the middle of the night, financial loss to host parents and general dissatisfaction and disappointment with the entire au pair industry. 

Au pairs are courted by the au pair agencies by glossy, colorful brochures depicting exciting travel opportunities and a fun-filled adventure. The material skims over the childcare components. Many au pairs arrive imagining an easy life "helping" laid back host parents with their well-behaved children and in their free time exploring the country and making lots of American friends.  They dream of visiting the exciting cities and sights of America illustrated in the glossy brochures and look forward with excitement to trips to NYC, Washington, DC and the Grand Canyon.

"I could not wait until I got to America.  The material sent by the agency sounded great and promised a fun, educational and travel filled year abroad.  My friends in Germany were so envious!  When I arrived at my host family, I was not prepared for the long hours of babysitting everyday in a development far away from other au pairs in my town. I never did travel anywhere outside of Maryland and I was so homesick and miserable I cried for a month before I dropped out and returned home."  Tanya, from Germany

Au pairs soon find their job is not easy as it is described in the brochures and by the agents who recruit them!  The hours are long, ranging from 8-10 hours a day, and if they are in charge of very young children, the work can be physically draining bathing, changing diapers and entertaining as many as 3-5 children.  Au pairs left in charge of older children must drive multiple times a day, escorting them to and from school, sports activities, religious lessons, while they wait for hours until the children finish.  They drive back home only to unpack letters from school, start dinner, referee squabbling siblings, pick up the house and help with homework.  

Watching children all day can isolate an au pair who may become bored, frustrated and lonely.  Instead of traveling and making new friends, they find the entire experience overwhelming and strenuous.  Host parents arrive home after a long, hard day, tuck the kids in to bed and sneak away to find some quiet time, further isolating the au pair who waits all day just to speak to another adult. 

 "I was so tired at the end of the day that I didn't have the energy to go out, even though my host parents gave me a car.  Their house was tiny and I had to mind 3 fussy, hyperactive children who messed the house up and refused to listen to me.  I never did see the Grand Canyon or NYC and my host family never took me out to dinner or on their summer vacation to California.  They said they couldn't afford the extra expense."   Marie, from Austria

Host families are expecting a mature, responsible baby-sitter that will provide 45 hours of childcare for about $7 an hour.  They expect the au pair to hit the ground running and often leave them in complete charge after the first weekend the au pair arrives!  Host parents are busy and do not want to spend hours talking and hanging out with their au pair and on weekends, they prefer to spend quality time with their spouse and children.  Au pairs are often left behind as the family drives off to the beach, lake or summer house.  The au pair may be left in sole charge of the house, including the family pets (to save on costly kennel fees) and a list of "to do" chores if they feel the au pair owes them any hours left from the 45 they paid for.  

Host families are attracted to the program for two main reasons: the built-in-coverage and low-cost.   Au pairs live with them and parents often change their schedule at a moment's notice, to cover for a late meeting or a spur of the moment invitation for an "adults only" Superbowl party.   Host moms especially appreciate the fact the au pairs are at their disposal and having control of their schedule and time keeps families coming back year after year for more au pairs.  If the child gets sick and is set home from school, the au pair must cover (even if she has class) and the host mom can readily call the au pair from her office to send the au pair on errands, such as shopping for food, collect the dry cleaning, remind her to put out the recycling and to walk the family's dog. 

If their current au pair leaves, they expect and demand a replacement.  The au pair agencies are quick to replace an au pair, but the major trouble and miscommunication stems from the different expectations both au pairs and host families have about the cultural exchange programs. 

Au pair agencies often do not fully explain to the au pairs what they should expect when they arrive at your doorstep.  When orienting new host families, agencies often forget to stress the importance au pairs place on improving their English skills, travel expectations and educational opportunities au pairs expect and look forward to.  

"Our counselor mentioned something about the girl going to school.  I didn't read all the material and when the au pair complained I didn't discuss payment for a Philosophy class she wanted to take, I was very surprised.  The au pair expected me to sit down with her and plan her schedule around her class and pay for it with my credit card.  I called the agency and they confirmed this rule.  I think the counselor should have explained this in more detail.  Our family's crazy schedule didn't allow for the au pair to attend a regularly scheduled class at night and we had to replace her with another au pair who didn't want to take classes.  She was not as bright or attentive to our children as the first au pair, but she accommodated our working hours."   Susan, Au Pair in America

Because many au pair agencies do not do their due diligence and fully explain au pair and host family expectations to both parties, there exists a general misunderstanding and tension between the two.  Au pairs expect a fun-filled vacation with some minor babysitting on the side.  Host families expect to pay cheaply for professional childcare and supervision of their homes when they are at work.  Au pairs are not by any means professional nannies but are young, inexperienced with little or no childcare experience.  American families expect a lot from their au pairs and au pairs often resent the extra work they have to perform in addition to their babysitting.  

Do not expect your au pair to be a professionally trained Mary Poppins, but do expect a young, fresh faced girl who hopes to become a part of your family who will help out around the house and be there when things get out of hand.  She hopes to make lasting friendships with you and your children and with other American teenagers, do a bit of traveling and take an exciting course or two at your local college. 

Understanding what your au pair expects and explaining the real job at hand (and before you hire her), will help clear up any misunderstandings and unrealistic expectations on both sides of the pond!