Confessions of a Kool-aid Mom

Confessions of a Kool-aid Mom

by Angela Dion

Excepted from Let’s Talk about Race: A workbook for safe, honest and productive small group discussions

Are you apprehensive about race discussions, thinking you may offend someone or won’t feel free to be open and honest? A group discussion guide may be all you need. Grab a few friends, family members or coworkers and try this lesson.

Ice Breaker Questions

1. How are you most like your mother? Your father?
2. What is the most important thing you want your kids (or potential kids) to know?
3. What event(s) do you remember as child that most frightened your parents?

Reading: Confessions of a Kool-aid Mom

When my family moved to a suburban Maryland neighborhood fifteen years ago, we appreciated that it was a transient population. Many commute every day to jobs in Washington, D.C. and Virginia. Several are looking forward to “movin’ on up” to the newest planned community in another section of town. Some are waiting for the next military assignment. As a result of this transitory environment, I would be justified in not getting to know my neighbors.

Instead, I created an environment I affectionately called the “Kool-Aid house,” the house where all of the neighborhood children came and felt welcomed. We entertained children of various shapes, sizes, ages, and yes, colors. My son is biracial. Yet, we never emphasized a difference between any of these children and our own son. We welcomed everyone and have raised our son to embrace all people. That almost changed forever.

Several years ago someone distributed a series of racist hate mail throughout my community. The letters contained the “N” word, death threats, and anti-everyone non-White language. They left messages all over my neighborhood. Perhaps by my neighbors. When I first heard about the letters, I thought seriously of moving. Fear told me at the very least I should grab my son and lock him in the house. I screamed. I cried. I changed.

I used to welcome everyone with open arms, without question. I liked the fact that the kids were at my house. I figured, “I’d rather they be here where I can keep an eye on them.” But after the letters, I found myself more cautious. I peeked out my window a little more often to check on the whereabouts of my son playing in the neighborhood. I questioned strangers and even acquaintances just a little more defensively. I’m ashamed to say the letters terrified me. The Kool-Aid house, once a haven for the neighborhood’s children, now housed the overprotective, paranoid Black lady.

It’s been several years since the letters. I have lightened up a lot since then. But I can never again completely let my guard down. I can never again assume the best of everyone. I look for hidden clues and meanings. I continue to question defensively. I apologize to my good neighbors, as most of them are, for allowing a few racists to scare me out of being the neighbor I wish to be: displaying the love of God, following the Golden Rule, and turning the other cheek. But I have a son to raise, a son whom, no matter how much we say it doesn’t matter, is different and who will be discriminated against. 

1. I know many non-minorities (White people) who read that last sentence and can’t believe that my son will experience discrimination and racism. He already has – like when a classmate said he was only accepted into the technology high school because he was black. That hurt me more than it hurt my son. I know he earned his way into that school. Why did someone have to say that to him? Why did someone have to remind me of those racist letters so many years prior?  

The letters took me out of my Kool-Aid glass house and opened my eyes to reality. Racism and prejudice exist--in this country, in Maryland, and in my neighborhood. How could I forget that? How could I let my guard down, even for a second? I should have known better. Yeah, the letters changed me. I will never be the same.

Discussion Questions

1. Do you believe racism exists in your neighborhood?
2. Has an act of racism changed the way you do business with the world? Explain.
3. Are racial tensions evident in your life? Are they improving?
4. What are your thoughts on the “N” word? Should anyone use it?
5. Has an incident from your past (or recent past) changed your thoughts about race relations?
6. What would your response have been if you received racist mail?
7. Whose responsibility is it to educate our kids about race: parents, the education/school system and/or the government?
8. What is your concern (if any) about this piece?

Homework - Try one of these in the next week.

• Visit a racially diverse church.
• Visit a park in another area of town.
• Invite someone of a different race to dinner.
• Set up a play date with a mom who is a different race.
• Be creative in seeking ways to expose your kids (and yourself) to a variety of people.

Follow-up - Meet with your discussion group after a week. Share your experiences with the homework. Was this worthwhile? What this comfortable? What did you learn about yourself and other group members?