Do Your Kids Deal, Barter & Bargain?

It seems siblings always seem to be fighting with each other in families, but overt fighting doesn’t tell the whole story.

According to a study published in Childhood, an international journal, kids develop a complex set of negotiation skills to survive within their family.

The study of 90 children from 5-17 from 30 families found that kids develop their own ways of getting on, which you won’t necessarily find in parenting manuals.

Bribing, trading, swapping, bargaining and dealing were the types of terms kids used to explain how they got their own way or brought some peace in their families.

The co-author of the study Samantha Punch claimed that parents tend to see the conflict and competitiveness between siblings, and often overlook the positive ways that kids resolve their relationship issues.

This study supports my own views that the sibling jungle teaches kids a variety of skills that are immensely useful for kids when negotiating peer relationships as well as relationships in later life. It also shows that when left to their own devices siblings develop their own ways of living with each other.

The study also found that birth order was more important than gender in shaping sibling relationships, and that age and knowledge gave first borns a distinct advantage over other siblings in the negotiation stakes.

Another study out of the UK showed that first borns get a disproportionate share of parental time, care and attention compared to later borns.

This extra attention results in first borns getting a significant leg-up in life in terms of IQ, earning power and health.

First born advantage was related to family affluence. The study found that the wealthier the family the greater the advantage for first borns, presumably as they have more resources to share.

While the notion of first born advantage is not new, the impact of family affluence on this advantage was surprising. Perhaps, it is more pronounced in Britain where the socio-economic divide is far greater than in supposedly egalitarian Australia.

So how does all this affect you as a parent? Does it mean that you stop talking to your first born and start lavishing all you’re A-grade attention on your youngest?

Not exactly. The results of these studies suggest that we as parents can ease up a little on our attempts to even things out. As much as we parents think we like to control, shape and contrive family situations in our favour, kids have their own hierarchies and ways of working things out.

Parenting is not so much about raising individual kids but leading the gang, even if it is gang of two. Knowing when to interfere in sibling relationships (and their fights) and when to leave well enough alone is a central issue for every parent.

Here’s thoughts which may help you with this vexing parenting issue:

1. Kids when left to their own devices will often solve their relationships issues in ways we as adults wouldn’t consider.
2. Power is never distributed evenly in families. Kids learn that you get what you negotiate but sometimes they don’t have the resources or wherewithal to negotiate evenly. Enter a parent for some fairness!
3. Kids do need to be taught to resolve conflict without dealing. There are times when they need to give some ground without getting something in return, because that is the basis of civil society. This is an adult concept that kids need to learn.
4. It is best to interfere in disputes if you can teach your kids something (e.g. work out a better way of sharing the computer other than beginning a shouting match)) rather than solve their fight.
5. Kids’ conflict resolution can be distressing and disturbing to you. You have rights too!  So if your right to some peace and quiet is disturbed then it may be time to enter the fray at least for your own sanity.

Working out sibling relationships, like solving children’s friendship issues can be a minefield for most sane, rational parents.

The ability to unite your tribe and get them moving in a single direction is the key for parents worn down by sibling conflict.