Reasoning With Children - The Hidden Dangers of Being a Reasonable Parent

Modern parenting experts advise parents to explain their decisions to children 'as this will make it easier for them to follow the rules'. This simple and seemingly innocuous parenting myth has caused more disharmony, frustration and anger in families than any other advice.

Why Modern Parenting Advice Makes Parenting More Difficult
Here is an example of advice from parenting experts:

"The best way to approach disciplining a toddler or preschool child is to explain the difference between right and wrong and why it is important to have discipline in place. ..

Typically children have many questions and as a parent you should be in a position to answer all of the "hows" and "whys" reasonably. If your child is not following the rules that you have set, talk to the child and be patient.

Talking will help the child learn to explain their feelings and also give them an opportunity to express something that you may not have seen that gave the child a valid reason not to follow the rules. (from The-Best-Ways-to-Implement-Child-Discipline-Through-Different-Ages-and-Stages)"

To a new parent, this seems perfectly reasonable. What they fail to see are the long term consequences of this approach. Children who grow up expecting their parents to explain why they are being asked to do something soon become teens who expect their parents to justify their requests and rules. Having to explain a rule or decision to a two year old is one thing - having to argue with 3 teens or pre-teens about every request you make or discipline you impose becomes a source of frustration and contention in the home.

How many parents today can give an instruction to a child and have it followed out immediately and politely? I imagine, few. This is a direct consequence of this myth. Parents got into the habit of explaining things to their children and their children got into the habit of saying 'why?' and getting a reply.

Some experts actually say that if a child presents a reasonable argument as to why they shouldn't have to do something, then parents should concede! This is a worrying precedent to set in a household. Imagine if all children felt they had the right to state their case every time their parents asked them to hang out the washing and what the consequence would be if parents made a habit of conceding to them.

These experts will argue that unfairness will occur if you don't let your kids put their cases forward. Indeed, unfairness will occur occasionally; it's almost impossible for parents to successfully be fair all the time. Children will, however, not be damaged by the occasional unfairness of doing more chores than their siblings as long as they perceive that their parents are trying to be fair. The family, however, will be damaged by parents reversing their decisions on a regular basis. This is likely to cause resentment and disharmony amongst siblings who, for instance,end up having to do a chore that was originally given to another child.

Explaining, arguing and negotiating with children reduces a parent's authority in a child's eye. Children start to see themselves as being on the same level as parents, with the right to question any decision their parents make. This is clearly detrimental to a parent's ability to raise their children well. It makes parenting a thankless, frustrating and demoralising exercise.

What Makes A Family Work Well
For a house to work well, there must be a clear leader/s and the other members of the family must be willing to accept the decisions of these leaders. There can't be constant arguments and negotiations about chores, bath times, homework, computer time, tv watching, phone calls, friends coming over, bed time, sleepovers - the list is endless.

I always say a happy family works like an army unit - the officers make the rules and the privates must follow those rules unquestioningly. Indeed, the first few years of parenthood are essentially about 'drilling' children in rules of behaviour and obedience. It's all a matter of training. As long as the parents are firm, fair, consistent and perceived to be in charge, then children are happy to give over the reins to them. This has to be the way or the unit will just not succeed in their mission (which, in this case, is to be a happy, peaceful and cooperative family unit).

Strategies For Taking Back Control in the Home
Briefly, parents need to take back control by demonstrating to children that they are in charge. New parents can start out correctly by giving instructions or giving simple no's without reasoning or explanation, followed by an immediate consequence for non-compliance. The time for discussion is later, not when parents are disciplining. In most cases, even young children know immediately why they have been disciplined. Following this pattern from an early age ensures obedience and establishes a parent's authority in the child's eye.

This is particularly important when a parent requires instant obedience. For instance, if a parent sees a child about to fall into a pool or cross a street, he needs to know that the child will freeze in their tracks when they hear 'Stop!' or 'NO!'. A child who has learned that parents will explain first why they have to do it or will give them a few chances before imposing a consequence is not a child who is going to freeze on the spot.

For older children, parents will need to explain the new regime and, probably, giving consequences for questioning decisions. For one family I suggested giving chores every time an instruction or decision was followed by the word 'why'. It only took a week to change the dynamics in that household!

In addition, parents must practise staying calm, no matter what the provocation. Any time parents lose their temper is a time when they have shown their children that they are not in charge, and therefore, open to challenges. More information on how to be effective parents is available at How to Raise Courteous and Confident Children.