Simple ways to prevent sibling rivalry

 “How do I get my kids to stop fighting and arguing with each other?”

I still get asked this question all the time.

I’ve worked out how to eliminate sibling rivalry – just stop at one child.

If it’s too late and you have two or more kids then you need to build a broad repertoire of strategies that will minimise the impact of your children’s rivalry on you.

Sibling competition is part nature, part nurture. It has a positive place as it is often through competition that we improve and get better.

There’s no doubt that sibling rivalry destroys peace and harmony in many families. In extreme cases it can make family-life hell for parents when kids refuse to cooperate with each other or they always put each other down.

Where does this competitiveness come from?

• Temperament plays a part. Some kids are just naturally more competitive and like to be the best. If they can’t be the best then they often won’t compete or do an activity.
• Gender impacts as well. Due to their physiology boys tend to be more competitive than girls. As many teachers know one way to get the best out of boys is to turn a simple learning activity into a quiz or game. Hey presto, they have turned on the learning switch by introducing a competitive element.
• Family position plays a part. You may notice that kids adjacent to each other in families tend to fight a little harder with each other for supremacy than they do with other kids. So two child families experience a lot of competition.
• Family atmosphere contributes to competition. Some families are more competitive by nature than others. Parents can unwittingly turn simple activities into competitions with statements such as “let’s see who’s the best at…….”
• Competitive role models impact as well.  You may have to curb your competitive nature, and resist turning every game into a full-blown, ‘I’m gonna beat you’ affair!

Prevention is the best approach. Teach your kids that there is a time and a place for competition just as there is a time and place for cooperation.

Here are 7 simple strategies that when persistently practised prevent a great deal of sibling rivalry and minimises its impact on you:

1. Have fun as a family. It’s hard to fight when you’re having fun and enjoying each other’s company so look for ways to inject some fun and games into family life.
2. Have one-on-one time with each child. Kids like their parents one at a time and will often compete for parental attention. Set aside some regular time for each child and give them A-grade attention on your terms.
3. Expect kids to help each other.  The key word in this sentence is ‘expect’. Parental expectations are potent. So get older kids hearing younger kids read. Get younger kids doing jobs for their older siblings. Get all kids helping you. Get the picture? The helping habit doesn’t rule out sibling rivalry but it helps establish a cooperative tone in your family.
4. Put kids in situations where they have to work together. Most homes are compromise free places. Kids rarely share bedrooms or televisions these days so they don’t learn how to compromise or negotiate. A simple way to do this is to ask kids to do jobs in pairs so they learn to work together.
5. Encourage more, praise less. High praise parents produce competitive kids, as they will compete with each other for parental approval. Use encouragement instead to get the best out of your kids and reduce one reason for kids competing. Encouragement focuses on the processes (effort, improvement and contribution) of what they do rather than the results. You can learn all about the wonderful art of encouragement in Bringing out your child’s CONFIDENCE.
6. Put children in the same boat when they misbehave.This principle always get resistance when I mention it in talks. Basically, it means when one child messes around every child experience the consequence. For instance, if one child is fighting in the TV room, then it goes off and every child misses out. Sounds unfair, but it actually reduces fighting over the long-term, as kids will gang up against you. It actually unites kids a lot of the time.
7. Conduct family meetings when the eldest is five.Family meetings give you an opportunity to focus on childrens’ relationships, providing a vehicle to teach kids to resolve conflict themselves. Some kids of the male variety need to be taught the skills of conflict resolution, and meetings provide a regular and safe format to do this in.

And if you have children that turn simple activities such as getting in the car into a race for the front seat then remove the competitive element as much as possible. That means insist the kids swap around, or even leave the front seat free if kids fight over it.

Strong, firm parental leadership that reminds kids about acceptable behaviours is always the best approach when kids behave inappropriately – even when competition is driving it.