Sowing seeds for future success in kids

I was stoked with a recent gardening effort of mine. An olive tree, which I’d planted seven years ago finally bore its first fruit.

Yep, for seven years I saw no fruit! That’s seven years of constant watering, fertilizing and weeding before I saw any results.

I felt like giving up on it long ago. I couldn’t see the point!

But my wife kept telling me that olive trees were slow maturers.  She kept reminding me that it would come good eventually. I just had to hang in there. She was right! And the results are the worth the effort as the tree’s full of olives………just outside my back door.

Raising kids is a lot like growing an olive tree….or any plant, for that matter. You have to hang in there as you don’t always see the results of all your efforts straight away. You have to keep plugging away and doing your best as a parent. That’s why patience is one of your best assets.

You also need a lot of faith in your own parenting when you raise these slow maturers. You have to believe that your efforts are having an impact, despite not seeing immediate results.

There are two areas, in particular, where parents need to be patient – developing confidence in kids and teaching kids to behave well. I have written a great deal about developing good behaviours in kids lately, so I won’t touch on that topic here. (If you want more information then Bring out your child’s best behaviour is my most comprehensive resource on that topic. Check it out here.)

But I’ll take a look at confidence-building……..

Kids up to the ages of nine or ten are in a heavy self-esteem building phase. The job of latency (between 4 – 10 years of age) is for kids to figure out ‘what they can do’ and ‘how they fit into the various groups in their lives.’  They look to parents, as the significant adults in their lives, to be their self-reference system. That is, if mum and dad believe I’m capable then I must be!

When parents show faith, point out strengths and support their learning efforts in a positive way kids begin to build up a strong internal picture of themselves. That picture builds up over time.

The higher regard a child holds a person the more likely their encouraging efforts are to impact on them. That gives parents a head start over teachers, coaches or other adults in the confidence-building area.

I saw a dad recently make the most of an opportunity to impact on his ten-year-old daughter’s confidence levels.

The ten-year-old had a little moan to her dad about a struggle she was having with some schoolwork. He listened without interruption. Then he quietly sat next to her and let her know that he thought she’d be able to tackle this learning task, although it wouldn’t be easy.

He then told her why he thought she’d do it……….

He said that she was one of the most determined people he knew. He pointed out some past examples where she had really applied herself and had succeeded.

I swear I saw this little girl grow about five centimeters while listening to her dad. She went off to her bedroom straight away to tackle the learning task with new confidence.

What did this dad do that was so special?  

He gave her a little motivational talk. But more than this, he sowed a seed for future success by pointing out a strength, and then showing her how to apply this strength to the job at hand. Simple, yet potent stuff!

How often do we get little opportunities like this every day to sow a seed for future success in our kids, yet we blow it because we are too busy, or just don’t know how to respond?

As parents we get plenty of opportunities to sow seeds for future success, we just need to recognise them and respond in a way that has an impact on kids.

Here are three simple ways you can use straight away to sow seeds for future success in your kids:

1. Describe their strengths: “Gee Jess, you are so good with people. That smile of yours really puts people at ease.” Telling kids what they are good at develops greater understanding and becomes part of their self-reference system.” Self-knowledge is just about the best knowledge you can develop in kids.

2. Use the ‘Confidence sandwich’ when giving kids feedback: Kids need feedback if they are to improve in any skill. Some kids react poorly to feedback, seeing it as a criticism, rather than an opportunity to improve. If this is true of a child of yours, then sandwich feedback between two positive comments. Eg. “Your kicking was fabulous today. You got some real distance with those kicks. Your marking will improve if you .... You should be pleased as well how you share the ball around with your team-mates.”

3. See assets in liabilities:  Poorly organised kids can be creative; stubbornness can be seen as knowing what you want, and being a poor decision-maker can be seen as flexibility. It all depends on your viewpoint.

Effective parenting is about making the most of the ordinary, every day interactions that you have with your children on a daily basis. You get opportunities every day to promote confidence in kids. You’ve just got to make the most of them …and be patient, just as I had to be with my olive tree, as you may not see the results straight away.

But you’ve still got to put in the work regardless … that takes faith, patience and persistence. Three great qualities every parent can develop.