The best age to tell your child that he or she was adopted

Explaining adoption to a child is a very important as well as intricate issue. Adoptive parents need to consider the importance of telling their child that he or she is adopted at an age that the child would be able to understand without getting hurt. 

In the past, adoptive parents avoided to tell their children they were adopted in the fear of causing turbulence in the family. Without a doubt, this has been an utterly wrong tactics, mainly because adopted children always learn the truth at some point of their life. Sometimes, people who know about the adoption reveal the truth accidentally or even intentionally. In other cases, adoptees find documents that prove they have been adopted.

Almost all experts agree that children should be told about adoption prior to adolescence. However, deciding the best age to talk to a child about adoption is not an one-time decision. Instead, it is an ongoing process. 

Some adoptive parents choose to repeat the word “adoption” to their infants so that they get used to listening to the word without, of course, understanding the meaning. However, as the infant grows to a child, it comes natural that he or she asks what adoption is about. 

Other adoptive parents choose to talk about adoption when their children turns 2 years old. Some experts suggest that this is wrong because explaining adoption to a preschooler may cause permanent emotional trauma. Many preschoolers express feelings of confusion and anxiety and feel insecure in their homes. This is mainly explained by the fact that, at this age, children have not yet fully developed their understanding about important issues such as adoption. However, instead of ignoring the issue, they keep on thinking that they live with strangers who are not their birth parents and they develop fear and anger. Other experts disagree and assert that, at this age, children consider adoption as a game, as something positive that has happened in their lives. Particularly, if they grow up in a warm and loving environment, they develop positive feelings for their adoptive parents and feel protected in the family. By the time they grow up, they are fully affiliated with the idea of adoption. 

Some adoptive parents wait until their children become 8 years old or even older. From one hand, children of this age have already understood concepts that relate to family and motherhood and maybe they have heard about adoption as well. Also, they are old enough to participate in this sensitive process. On the other hand, they are old enough to realize that for 8 years or more the people they consider biological parents are people who made the decision to adopt. And at the same time, their biological parents are absent for 8 years. So, what is of utmost importance is how delicately adoptive parents will treat this moment to communicate to their adopted children that there is nothing to fear of because they are adopted. 

Finally, there are adoptive parents that talk to their children about adoption when they become teenagers. Teenagers always deal with how they feet in society, what they want to become as adults and so on. Particularly, adopted teenagers have a strong need to find their personal identity, where they come from and where they belong. They may ask questions about their characteristics, talents and abilities. Therefore, adoptive parents must exploit any opportunity they get to explain adoption to their children in a simple, straightforward way. 

In any case, adoptive parents should have in mind that children need to know. It is unfair for a child not to know the truth about such an important issue. Family and home is a holy place. Typically, adopted children spend a lot of their lifetime to understand why they have been placed for adoption and what their life would have been like it they hadn't been adopted. They also think that something was wrong with them and therefore their biological parents gave them up.

Considering all the above, adoption should be explained the earliest possible. Even if the child is too young to understand, still having heard about adoption will be helpful in the future. Adoptive parents should communicate the idea that they were so lucky to adopt a wonderful child. Using emotional overtone will definitely help in evoking a feeling of gratitude and excitement to the child. In any case, the least adopted people deserve is to get told the truth the soonest possible so that they don't waste their lives trying to understand why.