Veepstakes: the Case for Pawlenty, Rice

“[The vice-presidency is] not worth a bucket of warm piss.” – John Garner

In an election so heavily focused on appearances, expect the megalomaniacal men of candidacy to follow suit in selecting VPs. With masked intentions that would make JFK proud, the boyish bidders care not what their second in command can do for their country, but what their vice presidential hopefuls can do for them. In layman’s terms, John McCain is looking for two things to help him win the fall election: youth and minority status.

Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty was blessed with the former of the two traits McCain will be looking for. At 47 years of age, the vice presidential hopeful is nearly a quarter century younger than the Arizona senator. McCain’s age will arguably be his defining weakness this coming election. SNL’s already pinched less than subtle jabs, Olbermann’s dusted off the old telecom, and polls are indicating it’s McCain’s least attractive quality. However much an insult it is to American intelligence, a McCain-Pawlenty ticket would balance out the age factor. American voters only see 47 + 72 / 2 = 59, not the obvious fact that McCain would become the nation’s oldest president regardless of Pawlenty’s age. Such is politics.

There are of course several other factors to consider. Pawlenty comes from the battleground state of Minnesota. McCain will be looking for anyone from swing states in the West or South, so Pawlenty seems the fit that shoe nicely. I think we all remember big ‘ol Rush Limbaugh heckling on about McCain’s moderate-friendly record. Pawlenty would certainly silence discontent right-wing conservatives with his harsh stance on immigration and pleasing social conservative record. Unfortunately, there’s just one catch: he’s white. Imagine that. A race in which being of majority racial status a detriment to a candidate’s bid for office. That’s where Condi comes in.

Condoleezza Rice has one thing going for: she’s a woman of color. OK, I’ll be honest, she’s got A LOT going for her. To be forthright, Rice essentially nullifies any advantage the Democrats would have by bringing diversity to the campaign. She black and a woman; McCain can theoretically court disgruntled Hillary or Obama supporters, whichever candidate does not achieve the nomination, for his cause. Spread the icing with her robust foreign policy credentials and you’ve got yourself quite a cake. Unfortunately, she does several major flaws. For one, she’s a “party insider”. Her associations with the Bush administration will undoubtedly be brought up by the Democratic campaign, and that will hurt McCain. Second, she doesn’t bring anything new to the campaign. McCain is already running as the foreign policy aficionado, so are Condi’s credentials really significant?

One incriminating flaw of both vice presidential candidates is their lack of economic experience. The country is in a state of unnecessary panic over the inevitable recession and needs the reassurance of a candidate with some authority in the field of economics. Many would instinctively point to Romney for the job, but upon considering his Northeastern niche, less than personable appearance and past disagreements with McCain he becomes less attractive. A business icon such as, but not necessarily including, Forbes would be ideal for name recognition.

Unfortunately for the future vice president his responsibilities will be reduced to smiling and making McCain blush. In this election especially his role will be reduced to appearance or, as Garner so eloquently put, “a warm bucket of piss.”