Death of Spouse: How to Pick Up the Pieces Again

There will come a time when you're ready to move ahead with your life after grieving the death of a spouse--to get on with your life and discover what this new chapter has to offer. When this happens, you may find it challenging to stop constant dwelling on what you've lost, and begin looking at the time ahead as a chance to experience happiness in your life once again.

"But how can I move on?" you may ask. "How do I get back into the social scene and start making new friends?"

Our experience has shown that it's not only possible to establish new, lasting friendships after the death of a spouse--after being widowed, you have a great chance of finding a new love as well! If you learn the following set of self-reflection skills it will help you discover the most important things you want to experience in these new relationships, and how to go about creating them.

First, we suggest you begin by reflecting on the areas of your life in which you are content and then identify the elements that make those areas work. Identifying what is most meaningful and what gives your life the greatest sense of purpose--what you most deeply value--is a major step on the path to true happiness. Once these have been identified, you can use these values to seek out activities and situations that reinforce them.

Identify Your Values for a Happier Life

When exploring your sense of meaning and purpose, it's helpful to ask yourself a series of basic questions to get the process started. Examples of these are:

• What are the things I love to do?
• How do I love to spend my time?
• What makes me feel good?

If you need a guiding hand in this process, download a copy of our free Values Exercise.

Once you have identified what's most important to you--you can use this knowledge for a deeper examination of all of the areas of your life, including (but not limited to):

• play
• personal relationships
• social settings
• adventure
• contribution
• relaxation
• . . .

The more experience you have at recognizing you values when you see them in action in one area of your life, the better your chances of noticing and acting on opportunities for happiness when they come along.

Identifying which of your personal relationships and the social settings leave you the most satisfied can act as a great guide. You can use these to move you in the right direction for meeting new people and finding activities that will be the most compatible.

For example, if contribution and nurturing are values you have identified as important in your life, joining a charitable group will provide you with an outlet for those qualities while introducing you to others that care about similar things. This process of personal values analysis can also be fruitful when seeking a new love.

Get a Second Chance at Love

It is important that you have identified what values you appreciate most in relationships before approaching the task of seeking out a new mate. If you are certain about what you are looking for in a partner, you will be much more likely to recognize that person when they arrive in your life.

If your relationship values still need a little fine tuning, use the Values Exercise again. Spend some time contemplating what it would be like to have an extraordinary relationship with a new mate. Imagine the effect that this would have on your life.

It's easy to be all thought and no action when it comes to rejuvenating your life. An important part of creating anything you want is to create some accountability.

Enlist the help of some trusted friends and let them know about the specific qualities you’re looking for in a mate. Tell them that you've started a project to create the perfect new relationship and then schedule regular times to meet with this people and brainstorm about strategies you can use to find such a person.

Don’t worry if one of your strategies doesn’t work. These friends can help you figure out another tactic that might be a more successful.

To wrap this up, remember that the purpose of this self-evaluation is to turn your focus and energy away from what you don’t want in your life--the grief and loss associated with your spouse’s death, your loneliness, or the problems you imagine in establishing new friendships and fitting in--and instead, turning your attention to what you do want and the actions you can take right away so you can begin to experience them.

Keep in mind: What you focus your attention on will become the dominant force in creating your future. If your focus is on the never ending flow of opportunities for happiness that are still available to you, experiencing true happiness is well within your reach.