Does ‘Playing Favorites’ Hurt Children’s Self-Esteem?

An interesting behavioral observation I spent some time analyzing recently has to do with the tendency in many families with multiple children for the parents to have a ‘favorite’.  One result of this common phenomena is that the non-favorites often suffer from self-esteem issues because of the unhealthy dynamic that a parent creates regardless of whether it is intentional or not.  In this article I will explore how this occurs and also touch on some non-obvious ways that parents sometimes hurt their children’s self-esteem without ever intending to.

One of the biggest factors in the development of healthy self-esteem in a child is the time and attention spent on that child by the parents.  Thereby it is only common sense that if one child receives more attention, time and energy than others then that child usually has a feeling of greater importance and higher self-esteem than those siblings that receive less attention, time and energy.

It’s a sad fact that if you sit and speak with a group of people you will always find that the great majority of those that grew up with siblings felt that one child was singled out as being the ‘favorite’ of the parents.  What you will also find is that more often than not, this ‘favorite’ tends to be more successful in life when an adult which is directly attributable to the higher self-esteem and the benefits of that self-esteem when they go out in the world. The truth is that most parents are oblivious as to the direct correlation of their behavior and the self-esteem of their children. 

This phenomenon of attention leading to greater self-esteem has been studied extensively in regards to birth order.  It’s no accident that first born children tend to have good self esteem because they were the sole receive of time and attention from the parents for at least a short while.  This is backed up by studies that show that more CEO’s and even President’s of the United States are first borns than any other birth order.

Youngest children, as well as situations where a child is the only one of a particular sex can add to the attention a child gets.  For instance, if a family has multiple children but only one is a girl or only one is a boy, it is not uncommon for inordinate amounts of attention to be paid to the one child that is the only one of that sex.  This again makes sense if you think it through for if you have three boys, by the second and third boy, it’s not as ‘unique’ an experience for the parents.  However, if they then have a girl, that becomes a new, exciting experience and hence more attention is paid to that child. 

The middle child usually has it hardest.  With a first born getting all the attention when still an only child, and then the later arrival of a 3rd or 4th child hence taking the ‘youngest’ crown, the middle child typically tends to get the least attention of the three.  This manifests in the middle child usually having to ‘try harder’ to get the attention from the parents that is naturally being given more to the oldest and youngest.  This eventually leads to self-esteem issues with the middle child who overall is getting less attention than the others.  These children often have what is labeled ‘middle child syndrome’ which typically results in a child that tries to be different and to lead a life that is less traditional in order to get the attention and hence self-esteem they felt was lacking during their childhood.

If parents were more aware of how and specifically who they spent their time and energy with they could prevent much of the disparity in self-esteem we find in children in the same families.  By familiarizing themselves with the simple traps and patterns parents fall into their children can greatly benefit by growing up with healthier self-esteem that will enhance their entire life.  For more great articles on self-esteem and human behavior please visit www.SelfAwareness101.com