I'm great but I'm not good enough

I was talking to a friend, who was talking about the combination of low self esteem and egomania which he had said he was experiencing in his work as an artist who sold art work at shows and galleries.

Neither are the most desirable, any number of trips can form from the feeling of being undesirable.

 Egomania or too much ego isn’t necessarily wrong but shouldn’t be automatic.

 I can leave my ego intact if I’m not sailing it or putting it the line so much.

 if there is too much ego involvement on what I’m attempting to do, then while this can reinforce my ego, I may also lose out by leaving it all out there,

 To hang and dry and it that doesn’t go over, well, I end may end up reverting to a even greater degree of disenchantment, to where my involvement I the regale had become to much of a highlight, and with the bright lights on I didn’t want to perform at least up to the preset standard.

 Instead of letting the lights dim as they may and going into gray areas, I tumble all the way from black to white or vice versa and I lose other configurations and interpretations that could be found in gray area possibilities.

 I’ve so thwarted my design mechanism that I turn off creative enhancements that can still help.

The creator part is not an insider, but an outsider that I brush aside, because I may be disappointed with what I found there, as I already was in the first place.

 New flowers of thought don’t get to bloom, as I stop the waters of creative flow.

 Ego generally has a lot of value if it is predicated on things I’m willing to do ad places I’m willing to go to.

 But I may also be experiencing high ego delusions of grandeur; therefore I want to look at my ego and what I’m actually getting.

 What adjustments do I need with ego to actually get something, something I maybe want?

 He says I’m an ego maniac. .Those high expectations are seemingly there.

 I may have however internalized expectations from outside sources that are good sources or not so good sources.

And the externalization of my ego is also a problem.

 I need to see this to believe it otherwise it can’t be true; In fact I need to see it again and again. The sea urchin may not be there, but can I really tell from where I am standing?

 Since the exterminations is quite doubtful, the my, the ego becomes the arbiter and crosses off evidences, that may still contain truth and reality.

 The problem with low self esteem is that I’m faltering on that basis.

 Low self esteem inputs, just aggravate the problem.

But at least I can realize that my actual behavior, what I am doing, might indeed or is indeed imputing low self esteem.

 Self esteem is in some ways just a layer, like the ozone layer it is fragile and dependent on preservation.

 If I’m injecting fluorocarbons into the atmosphere, I can end up changing the fragility of the ozone layer, even potentially putting a hole in it.

Some inputs can have a direct effect.

 If I have low self esteem based on being 20 pounds overweight, and I lose the weight, the fragile ecosystem of my low self esteem has been upset and I’m rather consciously or subconsciously search for other inputs in a sort of ego preservation, distorted yes, but my ego was identified along the continuum of my low self esteem and if I can’t fid it there now, where is it?

 This is why I might sabotage things I want or can be good for me, because I might have trouble finding my ego there.

 So I try to set my ego ahead on search when I finally get there, bit this advancement of the ego can cause displacement from the present. As I try to locate too much of my ego on something that hasn’t happened yet.

I become angry when I can’t find my ego, as it is lost somewhere between ego mania advanced to the future, greatness and my present day low self esteem, which I’m having trouble finding as well, which are  ironically further approached by recent real improvements.

 I’m angry about my lost ego, and I project my anger towards whoever is in my path. Not the way to win friends and influence people.